Penance

Part Two

By Mickey M.

© January 1999

Jim pulled the blanket over Blair, smiling at the innocence on the sleeping man's face. He frowned then at the hitch in Blair's breathing as some silent pain worked its way through his system.

They'd stood there in the living room, holding each other, giving comfort to one another, for endless minutes. The phone ringing had forced them to separate and by the time Jim got off the phone with Simon, Blair was yawning hugely. Jim reacquainted the younger man with the basics in the loft, then got him settled comfortably in his own bed before leaving to meet with Simon. Blair had been asleep before he left the loft; by the time he'd

returned his partner was caught firmly in the sandman's grip.

Shaking his head at the sight of the bruised, but still beautiful face, Jim tucked the blanket in a little more, then went upstairs to his own bed. It was still fairly early, barely nine p.m., but it had been a hellatiously long eight days, starting with Blair's disappearance, and he was tired. He was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.

*************************

What was that noise? Jim pulled himself up from the deep sleep he'd been in, cop instincts and sentinel senses on full alert. He was reaching for the gun under his pillow when he realized that it was Blair climbing up the stairs.

"Sandburg! What the hell are you doing?" He double-checked the safety on the weapon and shoved it into his bedside table.

"I...w-woke up...I d-didn't kn-know where I was. Jim...I--"

Jim could hear the younger man's heart racing, heard him swallow nervously. "You got scared, didn't you?" At the younger man's nod he scooted over a bit and patted the bed next to him. "Come on in."

"Thanks, Jim." Blair slid under the covers, sighing as the heat from Jim's body enveloped his own. He instantly felt safe and warm, protected. Even the blank spots in his memory couldn't overpower this.

Jim sighed as Blair's racing heart rate slowed down. He could still feel tremors coming from the lean figure and decided he wasn't going to get to sleep until Blair was warmed up as well. "C'mere, buddy," he rolled over, moving back toward his partner. Blair shifted toward him, then turned onto his side. Jim spooned behind him and wrapped an arm across the narrow waist. Blair sighed and snuggled backward, melting into the blessed warmth.

"'Night, Jim," he whispered in a drowsy voice.

"'Night, Chief," Jim whispered back, nearly asleep himself.

*************************

Blair was already up and out of bed when Jim woke the next morning. He pulled on sweats against the chill in the air and headed downstairs. His partner was curled up on the sofa leafing through photo albums.

"Hey," he called on his way to the bathroom.

"Hey yourself," Blair responded, not looking up from his pictures. "I made coffee--you like it strong, right?"

Jim heard the waver of uncertainty in his friend's voice and smiled. "Yeah, I do. Thanks. Have you eaten?" Nature's call appeased, Jim returned to stand behind the sofa, peering at the albums.

"Uh-uh. I only got up half an hour ago. I woke up around six--guess I was used to the nurse coming in to check on me." A small grin flashed across Blair's face and Jim felt an answering one spread across his.

"What sounds good?" Jim hoped he could tempt the younger man into eating since his appetite was still lagging.

"Nothing, right now. I'm not hungry." Blair shook his head and gestured toward the pictures. "Do you know these people?"

Jim stared down at several pictures of Blair with a small group of people, none of whom he recognized. He felt a small growl forming in his throat at the proprietary way one of the people, a young man who looked to be Blair's age, had an arm around his friend.

"Jim?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. No, I don't know any of them. Although I think I recognize this one," he pointed at a picture of an older man. He'd seen the guy around the anthro department a few times, though he'd never talked to him. "Do *you* recognize any of them?"

"Yeah, I think so. I just wanted to ask you to see if I was right."

"Well I'm sure we can find someone who can tell us if you're right. Who do you think they are?"

Blair pointed and rattled off some names. "Micky, Sharon, Nissa, Paul, Dr. Blain and Alex." The pointing finger lingered briefly over the man he'd named as Alex--the fellow with his arm around Blair--and Jim felt an absurd surge of jealousy rising in him. He pushed it down with effort.

"Maybe someone in the anthro department will know. I've seen Dr. Blain around a few times--but I didn't know his name."

"No," Blair muttered as he turned the page, "it's okay. I know these people. This was from a trip to Western France four years ago--we went to check out one of the digs where they'd uncovered some bones that were believed to be an early form of Homo Erectus

or maybe...it was too weird to think of finding those in France."

Jim had moved around to sit on the couch next to Blair, intrigued by this glimpse into his friend's past. "And were they?" he asked gently, not wanting to stop the dialogue.

"No..." Blair shook his head and looked up at Jim. "No, they weren't." He glanced back down at the pictures. "Alex and I were..." he trailed off and looked back up. "We were...involved, Jim. I dated him for over a year. Thought it was serious, until he decided he liked blond women better."

The older man closed his eyes, uncertain what to say. He opened them when a finger poked him in the chest. "What?"

"Does that bother you? Knowing I've been with other men? Or," he amended, "at least one other man?"

"No." Jim answered curtly, then sighed and added, "Well, yeah, I guess it does...I don't know, Blair. Hell, you're an adult. What you did before I knew you--" he broke off, not knowing where to go with that. It wasn't like they were involved right now. "I'm going to make some breakfast," he finished gruffly, not wishing to pursue that line of thought any further.

"Jim?"

"Forget it, Sandburg. You want anything?"

"I...guess so. What are you going to have?"

"Bagels," Jim threw over his shoulder. "There isn't much else in the house. We'll have to get groceries later today. Or," he amended, looking at his partner's still-injured form, "I will. You'll stay put here."

"I don't want to stay put. I need to get out, go looking around. See what I can remember."

"You're not going to help yourself if you tire yourself out to the point of getting sicker. Dr. Halings said you need to rest. You're out of the hospital, buddy, not well."

"I don't know what to tell you to make you understand how scary this is," Blair said quietly. "I've lost *myself*, Jim. I have no sense of who I am. I need to look around, see what I can find."

"Can't you just go through the stuff in your room? God knows, you have enough junk in there."

"That's not going to take long."

Jim sighed. "Let me get something to eat and we'll deal with the rest of it later, okay? This is too much to face, so early in the day."

Blair nodded at him, blue eyes wide and troubled in the beautiful face.

************************

In the end, Blair went with Jim to the grocery store.

'I'm a fool for letting him out like this,' Jim berated himself as they headed down Prospect street for the supermarket. 'He should be home, in bed, or at least on the couch, not out

wandering the streets like a healthy person.'

Healthy or not, even without his memory Blair had done a good job of pleading with those incredible eyes of his until Jim couldn't remember how to form the letters that made up the word "N-O". He sighed and cast a sideways look at his partner. Blair had hardly moved his nose from the window in the ten minutes they'd been driving.

"Hey, Jim, where'd I live before I moved in with you?"

"In a warehouse down on Sexton Place. Why?"

"Can you drive by it? I'd like to see if it jars anything."

"I don't think there's anything left of it, Chief. It was just so much rubble after the explosion; the city had plans to bulldoze it, last I heard."

"Please?"

Jim sighed. 'Why do I even bother with saying 'no'?' He turned the vehicle onto Mountain View and began heading west into the city.

**************************

"You're right," Blair said with a defeated sigh as they pulled into the Shop-a-Lot parking lot. "Just a big, empty lot that didn't trigger anything." He heaved another sigh and Jim had to fight the urge to pull Blair into his arms. His partner said he felt an attraction to him, but what did that mean, really? He sighed in frustration over what might have been and parked the truck.

"I don't know what to tell you, Chief," he said as they started meandering slowly through the grocery store. "I think you're trying too hard, though. Give it time-it's only been a little over a week. It's not like you've been out of touch for months...and you've evidenced that some of the older memories are returning."

"I guess." Blair shrugged and guided Jim over toward the produce section.

This was interesting to watch, Jim decided, as Sandburg began picking his way through the fruits and vegetables. He knew that Blair didn't have much conscious memory of likes and dislikes, but the subconscious was doing a pretty good job. So far he'd picked all the usual stuff, plus some of the things that he liked that weren't so usual, like passion fruit and watercress.

"I think we'll pass on the kiwi, Jim, 'cause it looks like it's about a year or two past it's prime," the smaller man muttered as he moved down the aisle, stopping to grab a couple of onions.

"Fine," Jim answered lightly, certain that Blair wasn't even aware that he'd "remembered" that one of Jim's favorite fruits was kiwi.

They cruised through the grocery store with Blair never once faltering on a food choice, until they got to the meat section. He paused over the selection of chicken and beef, hand hovering in indecision.

"Do I...?" he muttered quietly, as though asking himself.

"Mostly chicken, but we have beef a couple nights a week," Jim offered, unable to stand the lost expression in his friend's eyes. "We eat a lot of pasta, too. Primavera or salad style, usually," he continued.

Blair's eyes locked on to his own, pulling him into their depths. "I remember that," he offered softly. "You like my spaghetti sauce...and my primavera."

"Yeah," Jim answered just as softly. "I do."

Blair caressed Jim's face with his gaze, sweeping back and forth, lingering for a moment on the sensual-looking lips before returning to the pale blue eyes that seemed to have grown brighter.

"What do we do," he began carefully, staring directly into Jim's eyes, "if I never get all of my memories back?"

Jim stared back, mesmerized by the depth of emotion contained in those eyes. He chose his words just as carefully. "No one was able to give you a for-sure on that, Chief. You may get them all back tomorrow."

"Or not at all," Blair retorted, finally moving from the spot next to the meat counter. "You didn't answer the question."

"What if we give you some time and see where it goes? You might wake up tomorrow, all memories restored, good as new." 'Not likely, but possible,' his mind retorted.

"Dr. Halings said--"

"Sandburg, will you leave it *alone*? Please? We can discuss it at home, but not here, okay?"

"Fine." Blair tossed several packs of chicken into the basket and headed away from Jim.

The big man watched his friend go, listened to the muttered epithets as Blair cursed Jim, himself, and the tricks of fate that had brought this situation to pass. He followed, feeling inutterably sad. How did you fix something that was broken when you didn't even know where to look for the pieces?

****************************

The next week was tense and awkward for both men. Jim wanted to help but Blair wanted to do things for himself. That left Jim frustrated and Blair overtired and upset, which in turn made the younger man withdraw into himself.

Jim went back to work five days after Blair returned home, actually grateful to be able to do that. Blair wouldn't let him help with anything and it was getting to be more than he could stand to just sit around watching the younger man pouring over notebooks and scrapbooks and photo albums, trying to recapture the past.

***************************

The upside to that was that the memories *were* beginning to return, slowly. Dr. Halings had told Blair when he was discharged that she felt a lot of the memory loss was traumatic in nature, meaning that when Blair's body had a chance to rest and heal, his mind would follow suit.

He had no recent memories though, unless you counted three years ago as recent. He'd read through the notes he'd accumulated on his sentinel research, including the notes he'd made since working with Jim and determined that he'd been interested in sentinels for a very long time; where'd he'd first read about them escaped him, though he knew that Burton's work figured very heavily into that. Why had he been reading anything by Burton, though? The last memory he had involved trying to pick an actual field of anthropology to specialize in and nearly going with physical, as opposed to cultural.

Blair sighed and shook his hair out of his eyes. He'd been reading over his journals for the last three hours and his back was beginning to cramp from sitting in one place for so long. His stomach growled too, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything in a long time. He shifted to stand up and his eye caught the entry below where he'd been reading:

"March 30, 1996

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to live here like this. It's getting harder and harder to be around Jim and not show how I feel for him. Of course this brings into play all sorts of questions about ethical issues--how ethical is it to fall in love with your research subject? Certainly puts a slant on how I see things, I'm sure. I wonder if I can continue with this project, knowing that I have a bias like this?

I've pushed these feelings back and away for so long that it feels normal now to ache constantly for him. Hell, I'm not even talking about sex necessarily, although I'm about as horny as a sixteen year-old right now. No, I'm talking about the emotional closeness. We've achieved some of that--I'm sure that Jim hasn't let anyone in as close as he's let me, in years. I want to be closer, though. I want to be able to hold him when I'm sad--or when he is. Comfort him when he's had a bad day; snuggle up against him when we watch the ball game. I want...something I've never had with anyone else before: love."

Blair stared at the journal, read the words over and over again. 'I was totally in love with the guy.' He looked up and found his gaze drawn out the window to the ocean he could see in the distance. He let himself out onto the balcony and stayed there for a long time, trying to remember loving Jim Ellison. Oh, he was fairly certain he loved him now, but that wasn't the same. *He* wasn't the same, at least not in some fundamental ways. God, he couldn't even remember what some of his notes meant without cross-referencing them. 'Can I let myself love him, knowing that the me that loves him now is different from the me who loved him before? He says he loves me...but does he love the Blair he sees now? What happens if we start a relationship like this...and I change when I get my memory back. No, why would I? I loved him before.'

"Damn," he sighed. This wasn't fair. All these feelings and thoughts and no one to ask about them. He couldn't remember if he had any close friends anymore; all he could remember was Jim. 'Almost like I didn't have a life before Jim, though I know I did, 'cause I can see the evidence of it here.' He glanced down at the journal still held tightly in his hand. Shit. His stomach growled again and he looked at his watch, surprised to find it was nearly six o'clock. Where was Jim? Should he make dinner? Wait?

A key turning in the lock alerted him to his roommate's return and Blair headed back into the loft. He was struck with a sudden, odd, impulse and when the larger man cleared the door Blair launched himself at him.

"Oof!" Jim staggered back slightly, his arms coming up around the slighter frame. "What's up with you, Sandburg?"

"I don't know," the smaller man said, his face resting against a strong shoulder. "I just had the urge to hug you, man."

Warm arms squeezed, then held him for a moment, then released him. "You okay, Chief?"

"Fine," Blair answered automatically, it being mostly true. He stepped back when Jim's arms let go of him. "Mostly fine, I guess. I don't know anymore. I feel like I've got a thousand questions burning inside my brain, but I don't know where to go with them, or where to find the answers."

"Find anything useful today?"

"Yeah...I found some of my old journals."

Something in Blair's voice made Jim look up. His friend had retreated to the couch, so Jim followed, uncertain if he was going to want to hear what he was going to hear.

"And?"

Blair shook his head. "I don't know. The Blair then is so different, but so like the me *I* know..."

It was Jim's turn to shake his head. "Sandburg, deep down inside you're still *you*. This hasn't changed you that radically."

"I don't know, man." Blair tried a shaky smile at Jim. "I didn't get dinner ready yet and I'm starved. How about if we go for a walk and get something to eat out? I haven't been out all day and I'm starting to go stir crazy."

Ellison shrugged. "You're sure you're up to it? It's colder than hell outside."

"Mid-November tends to be like that," Blair responded as he stood up.

"Yeah." Jim got up too, put his coat back on. "Y'know, Thanksgiving is only a week away. What'd you want to do?"

"What do we usually do?"

Jim frowned. "Well...last year we went to Simon's...but I think he's going to his folks, with Daryl, this year. Feel up to cooking dinner?"

Blair arched a brow. "What'd you have in mind?"

"Just the two of us--" He caught the look on Blair's face. "Never mind," he finished, the ache inside settling into him like it was meant to be there. He'd hoped to have Blair by his side as his life partner this year; that had been his Thanksgiving and Christmas wish last year. This was it, then. His penance for daring to want something that could never be his.

"No, man, that's cool. Just the two of us?"

"Yeah...if that's okay?"

"Better than okay, Jim. It's great."

"It is?" Jim stopped in front of the door and stared at Blair. "You're sure?"

"Yeah! It'll be a blast--we can get a real turkey and have leftovers for days."

"You're sure about this?"

"Absolutely. Now, can we go feed me for real? All this talk about food is making me even hungrier." His stomach growled on cue and Blair grinned at his roommate, suddenly glad that he'd found that journal--it would at least give him a guideline.

*****************************

They found themselves walking in Rainier park, enjoying the quiet of the park at nighttime.

"I thought the park closes at dusk," Blair commented as they strolled through the trees.

"I thought it did, too. I don't know." Jim shrugged, showing he didn't think it was important. "How do you feel?"

Blair started to give the pat answer, then stopped and considered. "My headaches are nearly gone. I mean, I still have them, but they're not as bad and don't last as long. I'm nowhere near as stiff as I was, either. Moving around is easier. I still feel chilled most of the time, but I'm starting to think that's my imagination."

Jim nodded. Blair had come up to sleep with him five times in the past week; generally he claimed bad dreams, but the shakes that wracked the younger man told Jim that at least part of it was a bone-deep inability to *really* feel warm. Personally he didn't care how long it took Blair to feel warm again, he enjoyed having the smaller man cuddling close to him. Of course, that raised a whole other host of problems and questions, but he wasn't going to worry about it right now.

"You look better," he said finally, studying his partner with a critical eye. "The bruises are gone; at least to regular vision," he stated, inferring that *he* could still see some. "You don't look quite as tired, either."

"I'm not. I've been sleeping a lot, after you go to work."

"I'm glad to hear that." Jim continued to study him as they walked. "How about your ribs? You took the bandages off, didn't you?"

Blair shrugged. "They were uncomfortable. I think they're pretty well on their way to healing...I just have to remember not to move real fast and to brace myself before I laugh or sneeze."

Jim smiled with that. "You don't sneeze that often," he teased.

"No, but when I do, it's usually a doozy!"

Blair slowed his pace fractionally; Jim adjusted his to match, his sensitive ears listening for changes in Blair's vitals that would indicate distress of any kind. After a long moment he detected an increase in breathing that seemed to warrant attention and he smiled gently at Blair. "Need to rest?"

"Yeah, I could stand to sit for a minute," Blair nodded and let Jim lead him to the nearby bench.

It was quiet in the park; dark, still, silent. Their breath hung in the air, moisture caught in the cold air, trapped in front of them. The moon was out and shining brilliantly, illuminating everything like daytime. The cold air around them seemed to blanket them somehow, as they sat there on the bench, staring at each other.

Blair studied Jim for a moment. "I'm glad you missed me," he said finally.

"What?"

"That day that the accident happened. I'm glad you missed me. No one's ever gone looking for me before."

"Not even your mom?"

Blair shook his head. "Naomi did things differently than most moms," he offered. "She figured I was out looking at the world, learning from it, and I shouldn't be bothered by insignificant things like having to let her know where I was, stuff like that."

"That's awful!" Jim was shocked. "Does that mean that she was negligent?"

"No, just that sometimes she saw things in a different light." Blair shook his head. "I don't want to discuss that," he said, seeming unaware that he'd just had a very significant memory. "Just--thanks. For looking for me, for getting me and taking care of me...for caring about me."

Jim leaned in a little, his breath a warm puff against Blair's cheek. "It's nothing you have to thank me for, Chief. I do it because I want to...because you're important to me." Because I love you. The words hung in the air between them, unspoken but known.

Blair raised a hand, slowly, tentatively--almost asking permission. "I haven't ever had anyone care for me as much as you do," he whispered, voice hoarse. "It makes me feel...humble." His hand rested on Jim's chest, fingers curled inward, a loose clutching motion.

"I don't mean for it to," Jim told him, leaning in a little closer. "I want you to feel comfortable. Loved." There. He'd said it.

"I do. But what about you?"

"What about me?"

Blair managed to shrug without dislodging his hand. "I don't really know how I feel about you..." He trailed off. "I know how I *felt* about you, before," he breathed, his pulse quickening when Jim brought his own hand up and covered Blair's that was still resting on the hard chest.

"How was that?" Jim's voice was husky and deep; eyes brilliant in the moonglow.

"I...I was in love with you. Found it in my journal today..." Blair let his voice trail off when Jim brushed a thumb across his lips.

"What about now?"

"I don't know how I feel right now, Jim. I-I'm confused...scared...I don't want to make you love a person who isn't who you fell in love with...even if I look the same, I'm different, now."

"Not at the basic level," Jim shook his head, the finger that had been stroking his lips now sliding into his hair, stroking the soft strands that curled around Blair's face. "You're still Blair. *My* Blair." He leaned forward, closing the miniscule gap between them, breathing the last words against Blair's lips.

With a tiny sob from the back of his throat, Blair leaned into Jim, pressing his lips against the warm, strong ones that were so close.

Their lips met in that gentle kiss, barely touching, breath warm against the other's. Jim nuzzled his way across to Blair's ear, then drew the younger man down against his chest, his lips still tasting the scent and flavor of his partner.

Blair sighed and wrapped his arms around Jim, pulling the larger body close against his own, holding on tight. "I don't know what to say," he mumbled sometime later. "I don't know what to do."

Jim kissed his ear, then gave the lobe a quick lick, tongue playing with the small silver hoops there. "Just go with the feelings," he said. "Let yourself relax and the rest will come."

"It doesn't bother you? That I may never remember who I am?"

"You'll remember," Jim promised, tipping Blair's head back. He stared at his partner for a long moment, asking permission with his eyes. It was granted the same way and he closed the distance between them again, lowering his mouth to Blair's.

It was a deeper kiss this time, their tongues searching, tentatively, tasting each other. Blair moaned low in his throat, the feel of Jim's lips on his driving him crazy. He opened his mouth a little wider, inviting the bigger man in. Jim intensified the kiss for a moment, sucking on Blair's tongue, then pulled away. Both of them were breathing hard, faces flushed in the cold.

"Let's go home and finish this discussion there. It's too cold out here." Jim set Blair back away from him.

The younger man stood, legs shaky. "I'm not cold at all," he stated, grinning at Jim. "Pretty warm, matter of fact."

"Me, too, but this is hardly the place..." Jim trailed off when he realized how he wanted to finish that sentence, 'to make love to you'. "C'mon, Sandburg, let's go home."

"Sounds good to me, man." Blair held out his hand and let Jim pull him up. They both withdrew into themselves then, considering what had just happened, and were quiet for the walk home.

******************************

They were nearly back to the loft before Blair found the courage to ask, "How many men have you...been involved with?"

Jim turned, surprise on his face. "Why?"

A gentle shrug, motion carefully controlled so as not to hurt healing bones. "Just wondering. Wondering how much either of us knows about this." Wondering what 'this' was, exactly.

"One other. He was...we were lovers in college."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

Blair screwed his face up. "Oh, man...don't tell me you don't know--?"

"Know what? How many men you've been with?" At Blair's nod, Jim jerked his head roughly in an imitation of a head-shake. "Sandburg, up until I saw that picture you showed me last week, of you with that kid's arm around you, I'd never suspected you'd been with anyone other than women."

"So I haven't dated any guys since living with you."

"Not to my knowledge." Jim's answer was short, sharp. Blair turned to him in surprise.

"You're jealous? Of a man I can't even remember?"

"Could be 'men'," Jim answered, trying to relax. He sighed. "Hell, yes, I'm jealous, Chief. Of anyone and everyone you've been with before, including women. Anyone that wasn't me."

Blair glanced up in surprise when a door opened, not realizing they'd reached the building. He stepped inside, Jim following behind him. "You don't have to be jealous, man. I look at you and can't even picture wanting anyone else." He kept his eyes trained on Jim through his lashes, wanting to be able to gauge the bigger man's reaction to his words.

Jim was quiet for the entire trip up the stairs to their apartment. He opened the door, let Blair in, then shut it quickly. "You want me?" he asked hoarsely, as soon as the <snick> of the lock filled the air.

Blair swallowed. "Yeah," he muttered quietly. "I want you."

Jim turned Blair back against the door, gently pressing the smaller body against the hard surface with his own. He placed his arms on either side of Blair's head and bent his own to brush a soft kiss across sensual lips.

Blair moaned softly and tilted his head upward, increasing the angle and the pressure of Jim's lips against his own. He opened his mouth, allowing Jim's questing tongue to slip inside where he teased it with his own, playing a sexy little game of tag.

They backed off with a mutual, silent agreement, breath coming in harsh, fast pants. Jim stared at Blair, seeing arousal and desire in his eyes...seeing love. He smiled at Blair, leaned his head down again to capture a willing mouth in a rougher kiss, this one full of nips and tiny bites. Jim moaned when Blair slid his hands upward, fingers caressing through the soft wool of his sweater. Those hands clasped around Jim's neck, pulling him closer, before moving back downward. Warm hands slid under his sweater then, fingers tracing ribs and muscles with single-minded focus. Jim groaned and deepened the kiss when Blair's fingertips danced across his nipples, teasing them to full, aching points; tiny erect nubs that screamed to be plucked, rolled and suckled.

"Not here," Jim managed in between tiny kisses across Blair's jaw and throat. "Come upstairs with me?"

Blair drew back, not very far with the door right behind him. "You sure, Jim?"

The larger man took Blair's hand in his and drew it down to the erection throbbing behind denim. "I'm sure. Feel how sure I am, baby. That's for you...that's how much I want you."

"Oh, God, Jim--" Blair's eyes were wide, trusting, full of need and confusion. "Man, I want you, too...but is this a good idea? Ohhhh..." He moaned when Jim's teeth fastened on an earlobe and tugged gently, the sensations sparking straight to his groin.

"It's a *great* idea, Sandburg. Trust me on this one, okay?" Jim breathed the words into Blair's ear, tongue rimming the edge as he spoke, then pulled back to see his reaction. His partner nodded, eyes dazed and glazed over. "Good," he muttered as he backed away. "Come on. Let's go get comfortable."

***************************

'Comfortable', Blair thought while lying in the big bed watching Jim undress, 'isn't quite what I'd call it.' His erection throbbed heavily against the sheet he'd pulled over himself against the chill. Jim's body was a work of art, he decided, watching it unveil. He was much too turned on to be very comfortable, not to mention the aches and pains from a body not yet totally healed.

"I don't know if I can do much," he whispered when Jim slid in beside him. "My ribs are still sore..."

"We don't have to do anything at all, Chief. I just wanted us comfortable if we *do* decide to do anything." Jim rolled onto his side and propped himself up on one elbow. He trailed a finger lazily down Blair's nose before circling the full lips. "It's criminal that anyone could do this to you and get away with it."

"They were going to leave me to die," Blair muttered, sighing when the finger continued to outline his mouth. He made a tiny noise in the back of his throat when the finger pulled away unexpectedly.

"What?!"

"What, what?" Blair opened eyes he didn't remember closing to look at Jim.

"You just said they were going to leave you to die! You remember something?"

Blair concentrated on what he'd just said and the thoughts swirling around his head. "Noooo..." he drew out, finally. "I don't really *remember*, not everything anyway. Just that fragment. They were going to leave me to die." He said the words again, softly, and shivered.

"Oh, baby," Jim sighed in sorrow and frustration. "C'mere." He pulled Blair gently into his embrace. "I wish I could just hit a button and bring your memory back, Chief. "I wish I could find whoever did this to you and give them a little taste of their own medicine." The larger man shook his head. "I hate that someone hurt you and I can't do anything about it."

"It's not your fault I don't have any memories to give you," Blair ventured, snuggling further into the warm arms. He sighed in pleasure when Jim bent his head slightly to nuzzle at his hair.

"Let's make some new memories, then," Jim whispered into the ear closest to him. "I love you, baby, so much. Let me show you how much, Blair."

"Oh yeah. I'm all for hands-on demonstrations..." Blair tilted his head back, mouth inviting Jim's kiss.

It was a sensual kiss, meant to entice and seduce. Jim opened Blair's mouth slowly with his own, slipping his tongue in and out, gliding across the tops of Blair's teeth and over the roof of his mouth. He sucked on Blair's tongue, then stroked it with his own, feeling each tiny taste bud. The sides of Blair's cheeks and gumline got the same treatment before Jim pulled back, licking the corners of Blair's mouth before sucking the full lower lip into his mouth.

He gasped in surprise when fingers pulled at his nipples; Blair smiled against his mouth before opening further to deepen the kiss. Jim shuddered as talented fingers coaxed his nipples into fully erect buds, the sensations being relayed instantly to his cock, which responded in kind.

"Touch me, baby," he gasped, drawing one of Blair's hands down to where his cock was throbbing uncomfortably. A ragged breath exploded from him when warm fingers gently touched him before wrapping snugly around his heated flesh, exerting firm pressure before stroking him.

"You feel so good, Jim," Blair moaned, arching his head back, baring his throat to the teeth that were nipping there. "God, you feel good." The younger man continued to stroke the hard cock in his hand, his own cock twitching in anticipation.

As if Jim was reading his thoughts a large warm hand slid down him to wrap around his straining erection. Blair's breath exploded from him in an audible gasp. "Ohhhh..."

Jim stilled instantly. "You okay, Chief?"

"Fine...don't stop...Jesus, Jim, don't stop!"

Ellison chuckled and bent his head back down to lick at the tempting nipples that were standing at attention for him.

"So...the nipple-ring thing *wasn't* all talk," he murmured as he teased the erect nubbin and bit of jewelry with his tongue.

"No--" Blair managed, arching instinctively into the touch. "Owww! Shit!" He groaned and moved backward, body shaking suddenly with pain rather than passion as he pushed his newly-healing ribs beyond their limit.

"Blair! Oh, god, baby--are you okay?" Jim pulled away instantly, his body curved protectively over the smaller man's.

"Fine--" Blair panted harshly, trying to quell the spasms racing through him. "God, that's a mood wrecker," he muttered, his body beginning to relax. His erection had faded when the pain ripped through him.

"Doesn't matter, as long as you're all right." Jim shook his head, settling himself next to Blair. "You are, right?"

"I'm fine, I just pushed too much." Blair shifted gingerly, settling himself. "Will you...kiss me again?"

"I don't know if I should lay a hand, or anything else, on you right now."

"Come on, Jim." Blair ran his eyes down his partner's body, assessing. Jim's erection was still very much evident. "Kiss me...touch yourself. One of us should be able to enjoy this."

"Blair--"

"I'm serious, man. There'll be other times for me, won't there?" His eyes were suddenly serious, a little concerned.

"There'll be a *lot* of other times, for both of us, love." Jim scooted closer, moving up next to Blair's body. He groaned when the younger man shifted so he was slightly higher then him, then leaned down and kissed him. Blair's hair fell around them like a curtain and soft lips moved over his, tasting and arousing.

"Touch yourself, lover," Blair whispered against his lips. "Touch yourself and imagine my hand there...picture your hand stroking me. That's it--" He watched Jim, his own body growing warm again from the erotic tableau before him. "Slow down, babe...we're not in a hurry here..." Blair leaned back against the pillows, curling in against Jim's body. "Stroke yourself...slide your hand up and down...cup your balls with your other hand..." Blair broke off and kissed Jim again, his own breathing quickening as he watched Jim pleasuring himself, obviously getting off on his words.

The bigger man's body was taut with desire now, cock hard and drooling, as pre-cum welled up from the tiny slit on the crown. "Oh, god, you're beautiful, Jim!" He leaned back over to kiss the larger man, his own body rousing again as desire replaced the memory of pain.

"Come...with me," Jim panted, his body arching and tightening under his hand.

"Not this time, lover, but I'll enjoy yours." Blair stroked his hand down Jim's chest, pausing to play with the hard nipples he found there. He pinched gently, knowing that Jim's heightened sense of touch/feeling would increase the sensation. A low groan pulled his gaze from the tight little buds and he watched, desire curling through him, as Jim's cock stiffened visibly, then spasmed, thick, creamy fluid shooting forth.

"God, Blair...I wanted...I--" Jim lay back on the pillow, his breathing hard and fast, his heart pounding. He'd wanted it to be together, both of them for each other. Not alone...not like this.

Blair leaned over again and kissed Jim gently. "I know what you wanted, lover. I don't think I can do it until I'm healed better, though. I enjoyed watching *you*, though." He smiled, almost shyly, at Jim. "You're beautiful."

Jim growled playfully, rolling toward his lover. "You're stealing my lines, Sandburg. You're the beautiful one." He lowered his head and kissed Blair thoroughly, until the younger man was breathless.

"Says you," he managed after a minute. "Listen to us," he laughed. "A couple of love-struck teenagers."

"That's us," Jim agreed affably. He sighed, content, and drew Blair closer to him. "Love you, Chief."

"I know," Blair said quietly, wishing he had the courage to say it, as well. Wishing, once again, that his memories hadn't been stolen from him, so he could say and know that *he* meant it. The Blair Sandburg before his accident had loved Jim. He wanted to be that Blair Sandburg again.

He cuddled into Jim and fell asleep to the comforting touch of gentle hands stroking his hair.

***************************

Thanksgiving Day dawned bright and clear, no trace of the storm that had dumped an inch of snow on them last night. Jim rolled over, shielding his eyes from the glare feeding through the slats of the shades. Where was Blair? He took a deep breath, then smiled when he realized what the tantalizing aroma floating through the loft was: Turkey.

"Hey, babe," a mischievous voice called up to him. "You awake yet, man? It's getting late, here."

"I'm up, Sandburg," Jim growled, grinning in spite of himself. "Besides, you're the one who kept me up all night." Literally, his mind added. He'd come three times last night, twice from Blair's talented mouth. It bothered him that Blair still wouldn't let him do anything more than just stroke and kiss him. He was starting to wonder if there had been sexual assault along with the rest of it--his subconscious would remember, even if his conscious mind didn't, but wasn't sure how to bring it up. How did you ask a person about one memory, when they'd lost all of them?

"Jim?"

"Coming, Chief." He sighed in frustration, rubbed his hands over his face, scrubbing the sleep from his eyes, then climbed out of bed. It was warm in the loft, probably from the oven going, so he pulled on a lightweight pair of boxers and headed down the stairs.

At the bottom of the steps he paused, his mind trying to take in the vision of Blair moving around the loft, nude.

"Mornin', babe," the younger man called when he saw him. "Got breakfast ready for you."

"Chief?" He was surprised his voice worked.

"Yeah?"

"Either one of us is over-dressed, or one of us is under-dressed. Which is it?"

"Oh, yeah." Blair's gaze fell and he looked at himself. "Had a little accident with the pumpkin pie I was making." He looked back up at Jim, eyes twinkling. "I just haven't gotten dressed yet again--felt kind of loose and free, y'know?"

"What kind of accident?" Jim was still staring, his body reacting to the sight of his lover's...though it was a sight he knew well, now.

"I was turning to put the pie in the oven and my hand slipped. Splash!" Blair's arms gestured enthusiastically. "I got pumpkin mix all over me. I'll have to start all over," he added mournfully. "Can't have Thanksgiving without pumpkin pies."

"If you say so, Sandburg." Jim gritted his teeth, trying to will his growing hard-on away.

"Oh, I do. But anyway, we were talking about breakfast, right?"

"You were," Jim mumbled as he stepped down the final step and moved over to the couch. "I've got other things on my mind right now."

Blair grinned at him, eyes obviously having found what the 'other things' were. His eyes darkened and dilated. "I can help you with that, you know. I was kinda thinking of a high-protein breakfast drink, anyway."

"Only if we both get them," Jim managed, his body throbbing at the look in Blair's eyes.

"Yeah, I was thinking that reciprocity is a good thing, when you're talking breakfast." The voice was low and husky and Jim felt it thrum through him. "Come on," a gentle touch on his arm pulled Jim from his daze and he got up to follow Blair into his room.

His *former* room, Jim reminded himself sternly. Blair hadn't slept there in a week now. After that first night together, abortive as the attempt at love-making had been, Jim had helped Blair move most of his belongings upstairs, wanting the younger man close by, always.

"Sides or top/bottom?" Blair sat down on the small bed, pulling Jim to stand between his legs. He eased the boxers over his lover's hips, taking time to stroke a finger up and down the hard shaft; then leaned over and sucked the tip into his mouth, running his tongue across the head.

"W-what?" Jim arched toward the warmth of that incredible mouth.

"I thought we could try out two of my favorite numbers...do you want sides or top and bottom?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Sandburg?" Jim clenched his fists to his sides, fighting the urge to grab Blair's head and shove his dick into that incredible mouth.

"Sixty-nine, man." Blair blew a warm puff of air across the saliva-slick cock and Jim hissed through his teeth. "C'mon, Ellison, make a decision."

"Which'll be easier for you?" Wow. A whole, complete sentence and he didn't even stutter. Miracles never ceased, he mused distractedly.

Blair shrugged carefully, then grasped Jim's cock in his hand and started stroking roughly. "I don't know...sides, I guess."

"Sounds good to m-m-me." Jim shuddered when Blair gave him a lingering tongue caress.

"Fine." Blair released Jim and laid back on the bed, his own cock jutting upward. He smiled at Jim, a hot, sexy smile that made the blood pulse through Jim's body that much faster, then rolled onto his side. "Come here, lover. I want to taste you."

"God, I love you," he groaned, leaning down first to claim his partner's mouth in a fiery kiss. Another groan rose from him as Blair returned the kiss with fervor, and he backed off to climb onto the bed, settling carefully next to Blair. He pulled the smaller body close to him, then took Blair into his mouth, tasting him for the first time.

The flavor of Blair exploded across his tongue, bitter from the pre-ejaculate already beading up on the tip; salt from the same, and the sweat of Blair's body; heat from the internal source. The cock in his mouth was smooth and bumpy all at once, pounding, pulsing, *alive*, under his tongue. He groaned and opened his mouth, taking Blair in to the root, sucking hard.

"Oh, *GOD*!" The exclamation was muffled, but heartfelt nonetheless and Jim was inordinately pleased. He slid the throbbing organ from his mouth and repeated the motion. Blair made pleading little whimpers above him while sucking on Jim's cock, and the resultant vibrations had Jim clenching his muscles to keep from coming too soon. "Let it go, lover," Blair mumbled, pulling back from Jim's erection to place several little nipping kisses on his thighs. "Don't try to sto--oh! Oh, *yeah*..." Blair pushed himself against Jim, sighing when the older man took him root deep again, tongue caressing as he took him in.

Jim arched toward Blair's mouth when he felt a warm tongue licking his balls, then warmth surrounding them totally as Blair sucked first one, then other other into his mouth. He growled low in his throat when that mouth released him, taking his cock again, drawing on it slowly, almost teasing.

Then the time for teasing was past as both men were pushed past their limit. Blair grunted and thrust himself into Jim's mouth, releasing his seed in thick, creamy spurts. Jim swallowed it down, felt his own release threatening. He let go of Blair, afraid he'd hurt him, then yelled, "BLAIR!" as he poured himself into Blair's mouth.

They lay there for several minutes, hands gently stroking each other's heated bodies, calming rapid heartbeats and breathing. Jim sat up and shifted around so he could lie next to Blair. He pulled the younger man into a loose embrace, kissing his sweaty face, brushing his hair back.

"That was...incredible."

Deep, dark blue eyes opened wide to regard him. "Glad you liked it."

"Didn't you?"

"Did it seem like I didn't?" Blair countered, leaning in to kiss Jim, long and lingeringly.

"No...but you don't seem much like you enjoyed it, now."

"Just catching my breath, big guy." He hugged Jim close, his hands stroking slowly.

A large hand tilted his head back. "Happy Thanksgiving, Chief."

A slow smile appeared that turned Jim's insides to mush. "To you, too, Jim." He snuggled close for a minute, then sat up, his hand pressed to his side. "Ouch."

"Blair?"

"Just a twinge, Jim. Nothing to worry about." Blair got off the bed and leaned down to press a quick kiss on Jim's forehead. "You got dibs on the shower, big guy. I gotta get that other pie made or we'll *never* have it with dinner."

Jim feigned shock. "Blair Sandburg, *giving* me dibs on the shower. I have to write this day down somewhere. You feeling okay, Chief?"

His lover turned and actually leered at him. "Better than okay, man. Catch you in a bit, okay?" Then he was gone, the soft sounds of humming floating back to where Jim lay, still off-balance from earlier.

He stayed there for several minutes, replaying the whole scene in his mind. Blair had seemed...comfortable. More at ease. And definitely setting the pace of that encounter. Where had that come from? His body was still tingling, his taste buds still awash in the scent and taste of Blair. A smile spread across his face as Jim considered that possibly a Blair who was more comfortable with him--more comfortable with having sex with him--might also mean that he was getting more comfortable with his feelings for Jim. Maybe this would be a good time to say a prayer of thanksgiving after all.

*************************************

Christmas was less than a week away. Jim shook his head, wondering how time had passed so quickly that a holiday like that could sneak up without him being aware, then he realized that he'd been unaware of the passage of time because he was so immersed in Blair that nothing else was getting through.

His lover was slowly regaining his memories. Blair still chafed under the idea of not 'knowing' everything about his past, but he was calming down about it, somewhat. The more he healed physically and mentally, the faster the memories were returning. He still had large gaps, the most prominent being earlier memories of Jim, and the whole time frame surrounding the accident that caused this. He'd been in contact with his advisory committee and the dean of the natural sciences department and had been granted administrative leave until the new semester began in January.

'A lot can happen in six weeks,' he'd told Jim, the day after Thanksgiving, when they were discussing it. He'd been referring, of course, to regaining his memories, or at least enough of them to continue teaching and working on his dissertation.

"Jim?"

He looked up from his reports, startled into awareness by the familiar voice, which rang out in the nearly-empty bull-pen.

"Blair? What're you doing here?"

The younger man shrugged. He'd been staying away from the police department because it was too awkward right now--how did you explain to people who knew you just a few weeks before that you had no memory of them now?

"Got tired of knocking around the loft by myself, decided to go for a walk."

"That's eight miles from home to here, Chief." Jim raised his eyebrow.

"I didn't say I walked it *all*, man. Just that I wanted to go for a walk. I took the bus most of the way." He grinned impishly at Jim and was rewarded by a flare of heat in the older man's eyes. Glancing around quickly to ascertain no one was close he leaned in a little and whispered, "I missed you, lover. Come home?"

Jim sucked air in quickly, trying vainly to stifle the erection that was suddenly pressing insistently against his slacks. He cast a quick glance at the clock and saw that it was nearly four p.m. "I can probably get out of here a little early," he mumbled, rising to his feet. "Want to come in and say hi to Simon?"

"Nah, I'll just sit here," Blair shook his head. Simon was one of the ones that Blair still felt a little uncomfortable being around; mostly his memories of the large man involved his early days with Jim, when Simon wasn't very receptive to his presence. So, for now, he minimized contact with him.

In moments like that, Jim reflected, Blair *was* a different person. There was so much about him that was unchanged: mannerisms, speech patterns, vibrancy. Most of the time Jim could almost forget that Blair had giant holes in his memory. Then he'd ask about something, or make a comment about something that was totally off, and Jim would have to remember. He sighed and headed for Simon's office. A rap on the door brought a "Come!", and he headed in, casting one last look back at Blair.

"Jim?"

"Hey, Simon. Was wondering if I could take off a little bit early?"

"What's up?"

"Blair came down, and--"

"Ah." Simon leaned back in his chair. "He still doesn't want to see me, does he?"

Jim shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir, it's--"

Simon waved his explanation off. "It's okay, Jim. I know that things aren't all back to normal, yet." He looked at his best detective, standing quietly in front of the desk. "Why don't you take the next couple of days off? Then you've got that, plus the weekend and Christmas...spend a little time with the kid."

"Sir?"

"Families should spend time together at the holidays, Ellison." Simon gave him a brief smile. "Regardless of what form 'family' takes." He motioned toward the door with his head. "Go on, get out of here."

Jim smiled. "Thank you, Sir."

"Merry Christmas, Jim."

"Merry Christmas, Simon."

******************************

"So just like that he gave you the next four days off?" Blair sat next to Jim, his feet tapping an impatient rhythm on the floorboards of the truck.

"Just like that, though technically it's not four days--the weekend's in there, too."

"Still. That's cool, man." Blair turned and looked out the window, humming "Deck the Halls" under his breath. Jim cast a glance in his direction, the calm mein didn't hide the suddenly increased heart rate or breathing.

"Chief?"

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, man. Everything's fine." Blair refused to meet his eyes, continuing to stare out the window.

"You can't lie to a sentinel, Blair. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, man. Seriously." Blair flashed a smile at Jim and reached over to squeeze his thigh. "You know, you're awfully sexy when you're scowling at me, big guy."

Jim laughed and the tense moment was defused. "You're a little shit, Sandburg."

"Thanks, man. I know a compliment when I hear one." His heart rate picked up again when Jim pulled into his parking spot.

The smell of pine hit him even before they made it all the way up the stairs and Jim dialed down on his sense of smell quickly. He opened the door to find an eight foot blue spruce sitting in the corner next to the fireplace. A Christmas tree.

Suddenly aware of the total silence behind him, Jim turned to his partner, catching a look of hope and uncertainty on his face.

"I...couldn't remember if you...if *we*...celebrate Christmas...but I had an idea that we do, so I--"

Jim pushed the door shut with his foot and pulled Blair into his arms. "It's great, baby. Great." He lowered his head and kissed the smaller man, his mouth devouring Blair's slowly and gently.

When he released him sometime later, the world was spinning around him in a dizzying mix of colored lights and sounds. He shook his head to clear it, wondering yet again about the effect that kissing Blair had on him. "I love you," he said quietly to Blair, stroking the dark curls that were so soft to touch. He knew the words wouldn't be returned; not as long as Blair's memories continued to betray him. He also knew that Blair loved him as well...it was evident in the things he said and did.

His partner pulled back from him. "I looked around for decorations, but couldn't find any."

Jim shook his head. "Carolyn took all of that stuff with her when she left, and we didn't have a tree last year because you were gone and I didn't want to bother." Blair had met Naomi in Big Sur for Christmas, returning shortly before New Years. He'd still been stinging over the divorce and had felt like Scrooge saying bah-humbug, especially after Blair left. The only thing that had kept him from being alone on Christmas day last year was Simon had invited him up to his parents' house for dinner. His arms tightened around Blair reflexively. As long as he had Blair, he'd never be alone again. Never.

"Jim? Jim--air, man! I can't breathe...Jim!" Blair pushed against Jim's chest, wondering what was going on in his lover's brain to crush him suddenly. "Jim!"

"Sorry, Chief," the detective released him quickly when he realized he was suffocating Blair. "Sorry. Want to go shopping, get some stuff for the tree? We could grab a quick bite out."

"Sounds good, man." Blair turned to move out of the loose circle holding him, then turned back to press a quick kiss on Jim's lips. "Thanks."

"For what?" Jim asked, baffled. He watched Blair pull on heavy gloves and a hat.

"For not being mad." Blair gestured toward the tree then opened the door. "That's a hell of a shock to come home to, man." He took a deep breath, "I wasn't sure how you'd react...I was hoping you'd like it."

"I love it, baby. I love you. Now, c'mon--lets get the shopping done, before every person in the Cascade Metro area gets off work and does the same thing."

"Gotcha, big guy."

*****************************

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Jim sat bolt upright in bed, echoes of the scream floating around in the dark of the loft. He immediately saw his partner, arms clutched over his face, heart pounding from terror.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Please..." The ragged whimper, on top of the terrified scream, propelled Jim into action.

He leaned over and gently stroked Blair's forehead, smoothing strands of hair away from the sweaty skin. "Blair? C'mon, baby, wake up. C'mon, Blair..."

Wordless whimpers and small cries tore at his heart. The rapid, harsh pants as well as the pulse that was racing out of control scared him. He shook Blair slightly, pulling on his arms. "Come on, Sandburg. Wake up. Come on, Chief...that's it...wake up..."

"Jim?" A small whisper in the dark, then a shaking body was clutching around his neck, holding on to him like it was life or death.

"I'm here, Chief," Jim scooted backward, gathering Blair into his arms, holding him tightly.

"Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. Oh, god..." Blair mumbled the words over and over, his breath still hard and fast. "It was...they were...there were three of them, Jim, and they were going to kill me..."

His blood ran cold in his veins. "You had a memory?"

Movement against his chest signalled a yes. "I was...oh, god, Jim...they...I...they robbed me...then..."

"Shhh, love...you're okay. Shhh..." He stroked Blair's hair, a calming, soothing motion. "I've got you, baby. Nothing's gonna hurt you now."

Blair continued to huddle against Jim, his body tense and trembling with fear. Jim could feel the wet heat against his bare skin where tears fell; heard the harsh sounds as the sobs were pulled up from the depth of Blair's soul. He continued to rub the younger man's back and stroke his hair, murmuring quiet, soothing noises.

After a while the sobs abated and Blair's body relaxed a little, though he was still tense in Jim's arms. He lifted his head toward Jim and sought the larger man's mouth, tongue searching for warmth and comfort.

"Love me, Jim. Just a little...take that memory away..."

"I do love you, Blair. I do..." Jim rolled them over, until they were laying side-by-side. He continued the kiss that Blair had started, deepening it by opening his mouth wider, inviting Blair in to play. Their tongues slid against each other, moving restlessly, offering an exchange of taste and touch.

Blair's mouth was hot and sweet, though Jim could still taste salt from the tears shed earlier. He ran his tongue across Blair's teeth, grunting when they bit down gently, trapping him. He broke the kiss then and began trailing kisses across Blair's jawbone, pausing to nip and suck at intervals.

"You feel so good," Blair whispered, his hands caressing the broad expanse of Jim's back, stroking the naked skin. He arched, tilting his head back, offering the soft skin of his throat. A low, hoarse groan fell from his lips when Jim bit down sharply before licking at the tender spot, easing the sting. A sucking kiss followed, Jim marking his territory.

"I love how you taste," Ellison mumbled against Blair's throat. "I love how you feel, pressing against me. I can feel your cock, the blood moving through it." He paused to suck an earlobe into his mouth, running his tongue over and around it, bathing it. Blair groaned again and slid his hands down to cup Jim's ass, pulling him closer.

"I'm hard for you, lover," he whispered into Jim's ear, his own tongue running around the inside. "Can you feel how hard I am for you?"

"God, yes," Jim groaned, grinding his own pelvis against Blair's. He began moving in a determined rhythm, pressing his own erection against the cock that was throbbing against him.

Blair growled low in his throat and hooked a leg around Jim's waist, bringing their bodies better into alignment, letting Jim move them. He gasped, then groaned when Jim's lips grazed his nipple, tongue twisting in the gold ring there. "Suck it," he whispered, his breath coming hard. "Suck my tit, Jim," he moaned again when a hot tongue lapped at him. He pressed one hand to the back of Jim's neck, guiding him. "Ohhhh...god," he managed hoarsely when teeth gently tugged on the tiny nubbin. Vigorous suction followed and he saw stars when the nipple contracted, the ring through it tugging at the tissue.

Jim started with pleasure when Blair ran his fingers up and down his cleft, one finger pausing to rub over the tiny pucker hidden there. He moaned against Blair's chest when the finger retreated, a quiet "Shhh," telling him it wasn't over yet. A soft sucking noise caught his attention and he raised his head to see Blair sucking his finger, wetting it. He moaned again, this time in pleasure, when the finger probed into his anus.

"God, baby," he groaned, his lips caressing Blair's chest, suckling the hard nipples. "Oh, yeah..."

Their movements against each other became more frantic, more charged. Jim lowered his head to capture the nipple ring again, tugging a little more roughly. Blair cried out and arched against him, wet warmth spurting between them.

The smell of Blair's orgasm, combined with the feel of it against his skin and the sensation of his lover's finger in his ass pushed Jim over the edge and he pushed himself down against Blair, spilling his own seed over them, mixing it with Blair's.

They lay together for a little while, enjoying the feel of the other's body against their own, basking in the post-orgasmic glow. Jim slipped out of bed and got a wet cloth to wipe them down, pressing a gentle kiss to Blair's forehead when he murmured a quiet complaint.

"We'll sleep better if we're not sticking together," was the soft response to Blair's protest.

By the time he returned to their bed, Blair was drowsy again, moving sleepily into Jim's arms when the bigger man turned to cuddle him.

"...so good to me," the younger man sighed as he slipped closer to sleep. "Thank you..."

"My pleasure, baby. I love you," Jim whispered into soft curls.

"Mmhmmm..." Blair sighed once more before turning into Jim, sound asleep again.

****************************

When morning rolled around, Jim was awake and waiting for Blair to awaken. He'd been startled awake by his own dreams around 4:30 and been unable to go back to sleep. A re-run of "A Christmas Carol" on TV had kept him semi-occupied while he waited for a decent hour to wake his partner.

Blair came staggering down the stairs shortly after 7:00a.m., looking like death warmed over.

"Morning, big guy," he called as he headed for the bathroom.

"Morning, Chief. Want any coffee?"

"No," the answer floated back to him. "Jim, man, we need to talk."

"I know. We will."

Jim poured himself a cup of coffee and headed back to the couch to wait for Blair's return. The younger man appeared in short order, still scrubbing at his face with his hands.

"I had a memory fragment last night," he began.

"I know," Jim reminded him. "You scared the hell out of me, screaming."

"I'm sorry." Blair flushed in embarrassment. He dropped onto the couch next to Jim, facing the older man. "It was..." he shook his head, unable to articulate it. "I don't remember everything, just these two guys pounding on me. They didn't want to stop; they were having too much fun."

"What else do you remember?"

Blair shook his head. "Nothing, beyond that. I mean, I know they planned to leave me for dead...but I remembered that a while ago."

"Remember what they looked like?"

"No."

"But there were two of them?"

"Yes." Blair looked down at his lap, then back up at Jim, his expression troubled. "I wish I could remember more..."

"I do too, so we could get the bastards that did it."

"Jim...this was nearly seven weeks ago. Even if I remembered everything in the next ten minutes, how much of a chance do you really have of finding them?"

Ellison closed his eyes. "Not much," he admitted, opening them again to gaze into Blair's. "I'm sorry, Chief. So sorry that this happened."

"Why are you sorry? I mean, besides loving me and all that," Blair smiled at him.

"It's my fault you ran out; that you were driving around in the first place. I told you that."

"Yeah, you did, and I don't agree with you. No one told me to take off especially not without the cell phone--" he broke off as a strange feeling swept over him. He could see himself in his mind's eye, driving down the road, watching the gas gauge on the Corvair drop below empty...

"Blair?"

"Huh? Oh...man, that was weird." He shook his head.

"What happened?"

"Another memory fragment." Blair shrugged. "Maybe it's the season," he joked. "All these memories at once."

"Or maybe you're finally healed enough for your mind to feel comfortable remembering."

"Maybe." Blair slid across the couch to kneel next to Jim. "Morning, Jim," he breathed, leaning toward the bigger man.

"Morning, baby," Jim responded, his lips already opening for Blair's kiss.

It was a hungry kiss that culminated with them lying on the couch, tongues thrusting in imitation of sex. Blair stood up and shucked his shorts off, then pulled Jim's off as well. He straddled the bigger man so that Jim's erection rubbed against his cleft, teasing both of them. He stroked his own aching cock in time with their rocking motions, groaning loudly when Jim raised his hands to pinch at erect nipples. Blair leaned down to kiss Jim again, his mouth hot and demanding. Jim submitted to the kiss, letting Blair take control of their love-making. He groaned when Blair abandoned his position and slid down Jim's body, lying atop him. They rubbed frantically, their mouths echoing the hunger, until both of them spent; warm, thick liquid mixing between their bodies.

"Mmm...nice way to start the day," Blair snuggled against Jim's chest, tongue flicking over the nipples that were still hard with excitement.

Jim wiggled under him. "Don't go starting anything again," he warned. "We both need to shower and get dressed and get something done with that tree."

"What, me start something? Perish the thought." Blair gave him a wicked grin, then shifted off him.

"Right. Don't try to play innocent with me, Sandburg, it won't work." Jim swatted at the tempting ass that Blair wiggled toward him. "Don't tempt me either, Chief. I may have to take you up on that offer."

"In your dreams, Ellison," Blair thew over his shoulder as he sauntered down the hall. He stopped and turned around. "Your call...if you catch me..." He waited about two seconds for it to register with Jim, then headed for the bathroom. Jim was there before the door was shut all the way.

******************************

They spent most of the morning decorating the tree, Christmas music playing in the background. When Elvis sang "I'll have a blue Christmas without you," Jim pulled Blair into his arms, swaying their bodies in time with the music, lips nuzzling at the younger man's neck.

"My Christmas was blue last year without you," he confided in a low voice.

Blair pulled back in astonishment. "You've had feelings for me for *that* long?"

Jim shook his head. "They weren't conscious feelings at the time. It was more like an emptiness when you weren't around. Kind of like something that had been full was suddenly empty."

"I never knew you were such a hopeless romantic, Ellison," Blair teased in a soft voice, eyes twinkling at his partner.

"Must be you bring it out in me, Sandburg," Jim grinned back before claiming the luscious mouth that was smiling at him.

"Yeah," Blair gasped a few minutes later, "That and the caveman side." He slapped Jim on the ass before pulling away. "C'mon, big guy--we're never gonna get this tree done this way."

"Yeah, but think of what it'll remind us of," Jim smirked.

"You're such a wise-ass." Blair shook his head and handed another strand of colored lights to his lover. "You really want a Pavlovian response to pine trees?"

Jim considered the question for a moment. "It would make camping a lot more interesting..."

Blair threw the light box at him, then went back to adjusting the lights on the tree.

******************************

The next major memory fragment caught Blair early on Christmas eve morning. He'd just gotten out of the warm bed to go to the bathroom when he heard a sneering voice shout, "SHUT UP! Or I'll kill you instead of just robbing you!" Then the feel of a hard, backhanded slap across the face. He stood there in the hallway, shaking, his hand pressed against his cheek as he remembered the feelings of helplessness and terror as he was shoved from the car, then held first by one, then the other, as the two men took turns beating him. He sank to his knees with a whimper when he remembered his ribs cracking after one vicious punch followed by a hard kick when he fell. "Fucking fag!" He could hear the voice in his head, remembered the picture he'd carried in his wallet...the picture of him and Jim.

Jim.

Another whimper followed when the memories of his feelings for his roommate--locked away for so long--welled to the surface. He'd loved him for so long and now had all that love returned and he hadn't even been able to remember wanting it.

There were still gaps there. He couldn't remember what happened after he'd been beaten so badly. He vaguely remembered being pushed back into the car, but what happened after that was a total blank. Probably would remain that way, too, according to the psychiatrist at Spokane General. The brain often would purposely forget trauma as a means of survival.

"Blair? What's wrong, babe?"

Jim's voice. Warm, calm and strong, coming from just above him, still on the stairs.

"I-I'm okay, Jim." Damn! He could hear the trembling in his voice.

"What happened?"

"I remembered, Jim. I can remember what happened from the moment you told me you loved me up until they beat me nearly into unconsciousness."

"So why did they do it?" The voice was moving as Jim came down the stairs.

"They were robbing me."

"That's it? Just for some money?"

Blair gave a short laugh and headed back into the living room. Jim joined him on the couch. "Chief?"

"They found a picture I'd kept of us--you know, the one we had taken after the hostage situation with Kincaid? I had that in my wallet, and my police credentials in my jacket pocket. I hadn't had time to do anything with them between the time we got home and you reamed my ass and when I left. I guess the two combined together just kind of sent them over the edge."

"What happened then?"

"I don't remember that for sure...but I can guess."

"Yeah?"

"Well, they were just going to leave me there to die--from exposure, I guess. Then one said why don't they put me back in the car and take off, and just toss me out of the car later."

"Did they?"

"I don't remember that part, but I think so." Blair shivered at the thought. He was damn lucky to be alive.

"Jesus, Blair." Jim gathered him into his arms, gently stroked Blair's back and shoulders.

They sat there for a while, just holding on to each other, Jim stroking Blair until the trembling stopped. Blair yawned hugely, his body needing to complete the rest cycle, now that the worst of the trauma had been remembered and processed. Jim stroked his hair, then shifted them around, pulling Blair on top of him.

"Go to sleep, baby. I'll hold you and you'll be safe. Go to sleep."

"Thanks, Jim," Blair mumbled around a yawn.

"I love you," was the last thing he heard for a while.

*****************************

Blair stepped out of the shower and surveyed himself in the nearly-fogged mirror. Clean, inside and out, thanks to a hurried trip to the drugstore up the street. 'All you're gonna do is say the words. It's just telling the guy what you've been showing him for over a month now, Sandburg. Jeesh!' He was scared. Of what, or why, he wasn't sure. Maybe because it'd been easier to hide behind not having any memory of loving Jim than to face up to it. He'd spent most of his life avoiding deep, lasting relationships; whether they were same-sex or not didn't matter. Blair Sandburg was afraid of commitment. 'You'd best get *over* being afraid then,' he told his reflection sternly. 'You've got the best thing that ever happened to you waiting for you out there in the living room. Your other half...the other half of your soul. Go out and tell him. Now.'

He shook his hair one more time, then picked the tangles out and blew it dry. Heart racing with apprehension and joy he pulled his robe on, belted it tightly, and headed for the living room and Jim.

His lover was attired similiarly. It was a nice way to relax and unwind after the emotional day they'd had. The fire was crackling merrily in the fireplace, there were mugs of mulled cider on the coffee table and the Christmas tree sparkled in the corner, multicolored lights twinkling at them. Jim had turned off all but the small light over the sink, so it was dim and beautiful inside the loft. Even without recourse to sentinel hearing Blair could detect the wind blowing mightily outside and knew that the snow that had been forecast for tonight was on its way.

Jim was sprawled on the couch, a book in hand, obviously waiting for him. He cleared his throat nervously, then walked over and knelt next to the couch.

"Hey."

The bigger man looked up, a smile creasing his face. "Hey, yourself. All clean?"

Blair made a face. "I'm just glad you left me *some* hot water, man. It was a near thing, too."

"I offered to let you shower with me, Chief," a large hand rose to caress his cheek and Blair leaned into the touch. "I love you, Blair." Jim leaned toward him, brushed his mouth across Blair's in a sweet, soft kiss.

Blair sighed into the kiss, following the mouth when it would retreat. He coaxed it into opening and teased with his tongue, licking the corners of Jim's mouth, then sliding his tongue into the warm interior to mate with Jim's tongue.

Both men were breathless when they separated, leaning forehead to forehead, eyes glowing.

"I love you, Jim."

"Blair?"

"It's stupid to keep waiting to say that...just because I don't remember everything. I *felt* it this morning...the feelings I've had for you--that I had for you. I've loved you practically since I woke up in the hospital, Jim. I mean, I loved you before that, but--"

"Shh," Jim placed a finger, then his lips, briefly against Blair's mouth. "It's okay, baby. I love you, too." Jim's eyes were shining with emotion when he lowered his head again, claiming Blair's mouth in a kiss that left no doubt as to the depth of his feelings.

"Whew," Blair muttered some time later, when Jim let him up for air. "If I had any doubts before, they're gone now, for sure."

"I'm glad," Jim smirked. "Wouldn't want you doubting."

Blair stood up and gazed down at his lover. "Do you want to unwrap presents tonight, or in the morning?"

Jim shook his head. "Doesn't matter to me. Why?"

Shaking hands guided large, warm ones to a narrow waist, and the belt there. "I thought, if you wanted to tonight, you could start with me."

"Blair--"

The smaller hands helped the larger ones undo the knot, then moved away as the robe was loosened and spread open. Hands stroked upward, almost reverently, caressing the soft skin, hard muscle and silky hair found there. "Oh, Blair," Jim sighed again.

"Merry Christmas, lover," Blair whispered as he climbed onto Jim to straddle the bigger man. He lowered his mouth to Jim's, opening for him, offering of himself.

Jim's head spun from the headiness of the situation. This was seduction, pure and simple. He breathed in deeply, taking in the scent of Blair, layered by shampoo, soap, conditioner and the spice that just was *Blair*. He breathed in again, trying to absorb the scent. His guide tasted of cider and heat, a hint of pungent sage from earlier, pumpkin pie spice and sex. Or was he confusing scent and taste now? No matter, it was arousing however it was being delivered. He opened Blair's mouth wide with his own, running his tongue around inside, tasting fully.

Warm hands caressed his chest under his robe, fingers feathering over his nipples, causing hard aching points. He groaned low in his throat and Blair shushed him the same way, fingers moving harder against the hard buds, pinching and teasing, body undulating gently against Jim's.

Jim tore his mouth away, gasping from the multiple levels of stimulation. "God, Blair--"

"Easy, Jim. Too much?"

Ellison nodded, eyes reflecting his need, his heat.

"Then we'll ease up for a minute. Let's lie down by the fire, okay?"

"Yeah."

They pulled the blankets from Blair's old bed and added a couple of pillows. While Jim sat down on the blankets, Blair double-checked the pocket of his robe for the tube of lubricant he'd placed there earlier, then slipped the robe off, watching Jim's face all the while.

The bigger man stared at him, hunger burning so fiercely in his eyes that Blair shivered from the heat they were throwing off. He knelt in front of Jim, then reached for his robe. He pushed it off the broad shoulders, sighing in pleasure at the hard flesh revealed to him.

"Michaelangelo's 'David' has nothing on you, lover," Blair muttered as he leaned to kiss the hot skin. Jim moaned at the touch of Blair's tongue and reached for the smaller man.

"I want to make love to you," he mumbled against the smooth skin of Blair's throat. His tongue licked broad strokes up and down, sliding on the bare skin, rasping on the stubble-rough skin of Blair's jawbone and cheeks.

"I want you to," Blair managed, his body shivering from Jim's tongue bath. "Want to feel you inside me," he continued, tilting his head back, allowing Jim better access.

"Oh, yeah," Jim whispered, kissing his way down Blair's throat, pausing to nip at the tender flesh on the collarbone. "You taste so good, baby...so good. You're hot...ripe...sweet..."

Blair felt the world tipping then realized it was only Jim gently pushing him backward, to lay on the blankets. He gazed up at his lover, his smoky-blue eyes dark with desire, body displayed proudly for Jim to look at.

"Touch me?" he murmured low, arching toward Jim, body inviting. His partner was sitting on his haunches, staring at him like he'd never seen him before. Blair narrowed his eyes for a minute, then stroked a hand down his own body, pausing to pinch an already hard and throbbing nipple. "Jim...please, lover...touch me! I need you..."

Jim moved forward then, lips beginning their caresses where he'd left off, just below the collarbone. He swept his tongue down Blair's chest, wetting the hair there, tasting the texture against his tongue and comparing it to the texture of other body hair. Blair's chest had a slightly salty taste, possibly from the sweat collecting there, both from the fire and his own internal combustion. Blair arched into him, one hand coming up to guide him to the hard little peaks that were begging for a touch, a lick, a caress.

First the right nipple, already budded, achingly erect. Jim could feel the blood pounding in it, engorging the soft tissue. He licked at it lovingly, felt Blair jump under his touch. He pointed his tongue and drew a wet circle around the areola then blew warm air across it and watched as it tightened further. Blair moaned and drew his head down tighter against him, urging him to take the little nub in his mouth. He suckled gently, then increased the pressure until his lover was writhing beneath him, arching into his mouth.

The left nipple was highly sensitive, the gold ring piercing it a constant source of low-level stimulation. Jim circled it carefully with his tongue, a teasing, flicking motion that stimulated, but not too much. His teeth grazed the tip of the sensitive bud and Blair groaned, a throaty sound.

"More...please, more..." he gasped, Jim's fingers worrying at the other bud as his teeth continued to torment.

"Soon, baby," Jim soothed, licking the hot little peaks, caressing them. He moved lower, his lips and tongue continuing their caresses downward.

Blair nearly rose off the blanket when the wet heat of Jim's mouth moved down his cock, swallowing him nearly to the base. He growled low and thrust his hips upward, moving into the heat. Then it was gone and he was lying back, panting, body still straining upward, seeking.

"Jim...please..."

"Easy, baby. I want this to be good for you." Jim stroked Blair's erection, sliding his thumb across the weeping tip, gathering the pre-cum already glistening there. He brought his thumb to his mouth, sucked the fluid off, his eyes never leaving Blair's. "You taste so good, Chief. Let's see how the rest of you tastes."

He gently rolled Blair onto his stomach, placing a small pillow under his hips, propping him up a little. His eyes heated as he gazed at Blair's ass--pure perfection. He began by stroking his fingertips downward, from Blair's shoulders, over his back, brushing softly across the firm flesh of asscheeks. They tightened under his touch, then relaxed when he stopped to massage, rubbing tiny circles with the barest tips of his fingers. He let his fingers drift across the hot skin, dipping down to lightly caress the shadowy cleft, sliding along the crease there. Blair pushed himself up into the touch, tiny whimpers emerging from his throat.

"You like that, babe?" Jim roughened his touch, adding more pressure. A thumb strayed this time, rubbing seductively at the crack, teasing at the edge of the rosebud entrance to Blair's body.

"Ohhhh...yeah..." More an exhalation of breath than actual speech. Blair sighed again and spread his legs further apart, inviting.

"Want more?"

"Please?"

Jim smiled at the sight of Blair shifting and moving restlessly under his touch. His lover's body was heating up, incremental increases in temperature the longer he touched him. He shifted himself in between Blair's legs, spreading them even further. His large hands cupped the soft flesh, kneading and squeezing it. He spread his fingers wide and eased the cheeks apart, widening the cleft. A soft sigh met his ears when he lowered his head just enough to blow a stream of warm, moist air on the exposed area. Blair tensed then relaxed as the sensation flowed over him, whimpering when it stopped. Jim smiled and lowered his head, this time tracing the crack with his tongue, stopping short of the budded opening that was beckoning to him. He laved the area around it, holding Blair's hips still with his hands. At the first touch of his tongue to the sensitive nerves around the anus Blair pushed up against him ferociously, hips bucking.

"*Please*," he cried out. "Do something...lick me, fuck me, I don't care...just *do* something!"

Jim licked across the hot hole, then stabbed his tongue into it, causing another cry to rise up from the straining figure beneath him.

"You taste good," he muttered in a ragged voice. "I knew you'd taste good, baby," he finished, diving back in. He worked the tip of his tongue into Blair, moving it in tiny, stabbing motions, flicking in and out until the man beneath him was practically sobbing with pleasure and need.

While he tongue-fucked him, Jim caressed Blair's balls, stroking and rolling the sacs. He felt them tightening under his touch and his own contracted, reminding him of his own painful erection. He'd wanted Blair for so long...all their lovemaking up to this point had been wonderful, but Blair had been holding part of himself back. Now he was giving everything.

"I want inside you, baby," he muttered, drawing back from Blair's body.

"Yes..." the younger man panted, his breathing harsh and fast. "Do it...I want you...want to be yours..." Blair twisted his head to look at Jim. "Robe pocket," he added, pointing with a shaking finger.

Jim turned away for a moment, then pressed back against him. Blair sighed when one finger, cool and slick with gel, eased its way into his hot body. The gel felt good as Jim rubbed it into his opening, gently coating it. A second finger joined the first, slowly stretching him open.

"Ready for me, baby?" he asked, stroking lube onto his own straining erection. He was already slick with pre-cum, but added a generous amount of lube to be sure.

"God, yes," Blair managed, a heartfelt sound. "Now, lover. I want you now!"

"You got me," Jim muttered, shifting Blair, pulling his hips up. He pressed his aching cock to the small hole and pressed forward, easing in. Blair groaned, then visibly relaxed, allowing Jim further entrance. "That's it, baby...oh, god, you're so hot...so tight..."

Blair moaned his answer, his brain to busy with the sensations to think of words to reply. He felt so full...so filled. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt anything so good... "More," he gasped.

Jim pushed in, sheathing himself the rest of the way in one smooth stroke. Blair's body stretched around him, then tightened again, engulfing him completely. He was in. He was all the way in, getting ready to fuck his partner. His lover.

"I love you," he groaned as he pulled out to stroke in again.

"Yessss..." Blair hissed his answer, then braced himself as Jim began thrusting into him.

He set a hard, hot rhythm that had both men gasping and panting. Jim slid himself forward on Blair, resting his weight on his knees, twining his fingers with Blair's. The younger man pressed back against him, wiggling a little. Jim shifted and changed his angle of entry a little and Blair shouted with the next thrust as the tip of Jim's cock bumped against his prostate.

He thrust over and over into the hot, willing body under him, hands clasped, both men shaking. Blair pushed himself downward to rub his aching erection against the blanket, seeking his own release. Jim thrust, hitting the prostate again and Blair came with a shriek as his body spasmed unexpectedly.

Jim growled when the heated tunnel tightened around him, drawing him in further. His orgasm was pulled up from his depths, spewing forth in a rush, flooding Blair with his seed. They collapsed together, still joined, bodies straining from the effort.

**************************

"Jim?" Blair leaned back and nudged his larger partner with his elbow. "Jim, man, you gotta move. You're crushing me, here."

Jim grunted and shifted slowly off Blair, his penis slipping from his lover's body. "You are incredible, Sandburg."

"Thanks, man," Blair flushed hotly. "You're not too bad yourself, you know?" His body still ached and tingled in all the right places. "I'm glad we didn't wait to unwrap the presents."

"We only unwrapped one," Jim pointed out, laughing a little.

"So? Wasn't it the right one?"

"It was perfect, Chief," Jim leaned to kiss his partner. "Just perfect."

"Merry Christmas, lover," Blair caressed Jim's head while he kissed him gently. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Blair. Merry Christmas."

~finis~

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