Chapter 12
Every day I live I
discover
more and more
how impossible it is for me
to live without you.
--James Hackman
Jim woke when the door opened. He moved to stretch, then caught himself when he realized that the warm weight covering him was his guide's body. A quick look toward the door revealed Yvelle setting a thermos on the table. How long had they slept? Quietly, so as not to wake Blair, who needed to rest after all the physical and emotional trauma of the day, Jim whispered, "What time is it?"
Yvelle looked up at him, surprise on her face. She'd evidently believed them both to be asleep. "Late afternoon."
They'd slept most of the day then. Jim shuddered as his body tried to stretch without moving, and he whispered again, "I'd like to take a shower. Clean up." He wasn't going to ask for anything from them. If his request was ignored or dismissed, so be it. But he wasn't going beg for anything.
She nodded, fingering her pocket where he knew the syringe was. "I'll let Chardis know. But you know it's up to her."
Jim nodded tersely. He'd expected that. He nodded toward the table. "I take it we're not getting food again today."
"Not until the ceremony days are over." Yvelle withdrew the expected syringe and walked toward him. Jim gave a silent groan.
"It's not necessary--we did what was expected of us today."
Her eyes grew cold while looking at him; obviously he was pushing things. "You were supposed to take him with force, you know."
Jim nodded brusquely. "I know. I also know that force isn't--wasn't--necessary."
"Well, we'll see about that, Detective." The syringe pricked him; too quickly the plunger was depressed and Jim steeled himself for the nearly immediate effects to take place. "If I may make a suggestion to you," Yvelle leaned closer, almost conspiratorially, "the next time Chardis tells you she wants to hear him scream--I'd make damn sure he does." Then she was gone, moving out of the room quickly, the door slamming and locking in her wake.
"Think they'll let us?" A quiet, sleepy voice by his elbow caught his attention, and Jim turned to smile at Blair, ignoring, for the moment, the first threads of the drug winding through his body.
"Hey, sleepyhead. How do you feel? Let us do what?" The depth of feeling that looking into those smoky-blue eyes invoked in him surprised Jim.
"Shower." Blair yawned and shifted. "I feel, like, totally gross, man. No offense."
Jim grinned. "None taken. I could do with a shower myself. No offense."
Blair smiled, which quickly turned into a grimace as he tried to sit up. "I feel okay, I guess, but man I'm sore. I'm almost glad we're not eating anything, so I won't have to...you know..." his voice trailed off in embarrassment, and he shook his hair out of his eyes. "This is so awkward, Jim. I feel like I don't know what to say or do around you anymore."
Jim nodded. "I feel the same way, Chief. Things got--pretty intense."
"It's only gonna be worse, you know. Chardis' fertile period is three days long. I don't know if I can do this for another two days. It's not you, man, it's just--" Blair clicked his teeth shut over the last word, cutting off his thought.
Jim heard the edge of hysteria in his partner's voice, and responded by moving closer and wrapping his arms around the younger man. "We'll get through this, Blair. You have to believe me. We'll make it somehow." With any luck, and a miracle or two, maybe we'll get out of this somehow, and I can show you how good it can really be. Make you feel things you never imagined feeling, instead of just being glad it didn't hurt too badly.
Blair swiveled his head around to look at Jim. "What if she doesn't get pregnant? We'll be toast in a couple of weeks, Jim."
"Have you considered what will happen if she does get pregnant?" He wasn't even going to dwell on the fact that, if she did, it would be his child...
"I'm trying not to consider all of those implications just yet."
Jim cuddled Blair back against his chest, gently stroking the tangled curls. "We're going to have to start considering, I think." He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensual pleasure of touching the younger man, comforting him. He could feel the individual strands of hair curling around his fingers, binding him as if with silken threads. The expected dizziness from the injection hit him and he clutched at Blair, seeking a steady anchor in the maelstrom the drugs visited on his body.
"Jim? Man, are you okay?" the grad student settled a cool hand over the suddenly burning-hot one of his partner and shivered. "Jesus...they gave you another injection, didn't they?"
"Yeah," he croaked, his throat suddenly tight as his body started firing. He could almost feel the drugs slithering through his veins, looking for ways to compromise his control, to force him to submit to their will, to-- Shit. He was having mental hallucinations now.
The comforted became the comforter as Blair gripped Jim's hands tightly in his own and held them against his chest. "You're not alone, man...I'm here. I've got you, Jim. Remember that, buddy...I've got you."
"Yeah..." Jim shuddered as the dizziness increased. This was the worst part, the feeling that the whole world was careening around him, tipping at mad, wild angles. Even the white-hot intense lust he'd felt earlier wasn't as bad as the feeling that there was no "right end up" like he felt right now. "Anchor me, Blair...I can't hold on." The words were tense, whispered.
Sandburg shuddered at the naked vulnerability in his friend's voice. He shifted stiffly and rolled, pulling Jim tight against him, holding him there with his arms anchored around the bigger man's back. "I have you, Jim. Hold on to me." I'm here for you, Jim. I'll always be here for you to hold on to. I don't know if I could voice it out loud yet...but we did more than just have sex earlier. You made love to me. I know you don't see it that way...you only see that you hurt me. But Jim, I could feel the caring there. Hold on to me, partner.
Jim slid his arms around Blair, his body burning, his mind spinning. The younger man was like shelter in the storm for him, and he pressed as close as he could manage, his face buried in Blair's neck. My anchor. My guide, my friend, my partner...my lover. Could you love me, Blair? Would you want to try? Do you realize you're the first person I've let inside in a long, long time? What made you so different that I could do that? Is it because you're always there for me? Like now? You're hurting, scared, but you don't hesitate if I say I need you. Do you know how special that makes you?
They lay huddled together for what seemed like an eternity as Jim shook and shivered from the intense heat that flowed through his system, with cold following like icebergs on its heels. The dizziness that always started this was more intense this time, lasting longer. The euphoric state afterward, when he was pleasantly buzzed, seemed less pronounced this time, but the lust that was lurking just beneath the surface seemed harsher. His cock began swelling, forcing a wince from him, as the tender skin stretched. It felt good though, in a weird sort of way, and it made him want more. It would take so little to just give in to it...
Jim jerked out of Blair's embrace and sat up, banging his head on the wall in his haste. He muttered and cursed, then got off the bed altogether. Blair gave him a sad, knowing look, and the older man flinched away from it.
"I don't want to hurt you any more," he mumbled, hating the sadness in Blair's eyes.
"You haven't hurt me yet," Sandburg replied softly, knowing but deliberately ignoring, what Jim was referring to. He held a hand up when Jim opened his mouth. "Don't. Just leave it be, okay? We both know what we think...and what the other thinks. Just leave it alone."
Jim nodded, his own eyes sad, feeling betrayed by his own body and his lack of control over it.
They stayed in that pose for a long moment, staring at each other, not sure what to say to the other one, when Blair's stomach growled. Jim raised an eyebrow, and Blair chuckled. "Hey, some things can't be put off, even by satanic rituals. I know it's not much, and I know it's liquid...but nutrition is nutrition, right?"
Jim smiled back, relieved to see that they could still joke a little. Maybe they wouldn't be permanently scarred by this experience. Maybe. Assuming they survived it.
Their drinks were dispatched quickly, leaving both men wishing for more. Jim eyed Blair critically, trying to gauge how much weight the younger man had lost in the last four days or so. Neither one of them were getting the nutrition they both needed...Blair's jeans already were looser on him than when they'd arrived at this misbegotten place.
"How're the cuts now?" Blair finally asked him, after staring at him for nearly five straight minutes.
"Huh? Oh, well...they hurt, kind of. A dull throb, mostly." Jim closed his eyes as another wave of heat worked through his body, actually intensifying the throb of the marks. "They itch, too."
"That means they've started to heal."
"I know, Sandburg. I was a medic once, remember?"
"Yeah, right. Sorry." Blair flushed a dull red and Jim silently cursed. Things felt so awkward right now. All he wanted to do was touch Blair; hold him, comfort him...and that wasn't an option for him right now. He didn't feel like he could trust himself not to try and take what he doubted Blair was ready to offer.
Not long after they had finished their drinks, the door swung open and Chardis entered, flanked on either side by Yvelle and Serita. Of the three of them, Jim actually trusted Serita the least; her eyes never seemed to miss anything. Including the way he had shifted so that he was standing protectively near his smaller partner.
"I understand you have some things you'd like to request." Chardis said calmly, her eyes glittering like ice. "I don't believe you've proven yourselves enough to be making requests, so you'll likely be denied, but go ahead and ask."
Jim felt the muscle in his jaw clench as he looked at these women. What in the hell happened that turned people into creatures like this? Blair moved to stand behind him, and Jim's heart contracted with his need to protect him; he could almost smell the fear coming from his guide. "We want to shower, and clean up, " he gestured to the six days growth of beard that both of them were sporting. "Both of us are injured," As you well know, bitch!, "and we need to keep the wounds clean. Especially if you expect us to be able to perform for you again." He added an ice glare of his own, his eyes clashing with their captor's.
Chardis stared at him coolly, meeting his eyes with her own. "I was given to understand that you wanted to ask for something else, as well?"
Jim nearly growled with frustration. Wasn't she even going to answer him on the first one? At least there was a chance of that happening... "I want you to stop giving me the injections. I did what you wanted...I'll do it again. It's not necessary to keep drugging me."
"Actually, detective," the ice in her voice made glaciers seem warm, and Jim could feel Blair shiver behind him, "you did not perform adequately; I had a specific request of you, which you did not heed. Not only will the injections not stop, I plan on increasing the amount you receive with each one. You will do as I ask. It's really quite simple. Please me, or suffer the consequences."
Jim narrowed his eyes, staring at the bitch. "What about the fucking showers?" he ground out through clenched teeth.
"I'll think about it and get back with you. After all," she laughed, the amusement not quite showing in her eyes, "it's not like you're going anywhere, is it?"
Jim glowered at her, and she laughed again, then turned and strode from the room, the other two following behind her; Serita turning at the last minute to give them one more, inscrutable look.
Jim turned to Blair, trying to joke a little to soothe the troubled expression on his guide's face. His heartbeat was somewhere in the triple digits, it sounded like, and his face was a dull pale color.
"Whadaya think, Chief? Think we'll get our shower?"
Blair shook his head. "I couldn't even begin to guess, Jim. I can't figure her out at all. I'm not sure I want to--she scares me to death."
"That's the situation we're in, Blair. She'd scare about anyone, I think."
Blair smiled and shook his head slightly as he moved over to sit down on the bed. "I don't think it's just that, Jim. I think she, like, cast a spell or something on me."
Jim
stared at his guide as if he'd lost his mind. "You're saying you believe
in all this shit,
Sandburg?"
Blair nodded, cautiously. "Some of it. Man, there are so many things that we can't explain in this world--you're a living example of one of them! Anyway, I say that based partly on what happened when I first got here."
"Yeah? What was that? You didn't mention anything."
Blair patted the mattress next to him. "C'mere and sit down--I need the extra body heat."
The older man looked at him, indecision written across his face. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Chief," he whispered, his voice pained. "I'm not sure I can trust myself just now." He gestured to the erection pushing against his jeans.
Blair pushed himself back off the bed and went to stand directly in front of Jim. "I think it's a great idea...and I trust you implicitly, Jim." He moved closer to the bigger man, pressing his body as near as he could without actually touching.
"Blair--" Jim began hoarsely, trying to step back from his friend. "Don't...please. I can't--"
"All I want is for you to sit with me, help me keep warm. I'm freezing here, Jim. I just want you--my friend--to help me with that. I don't think you're going to jump me just from sitting with me. I trust you, Jim." Blair stepped back a pace and sat back down on the bed, patting the mattress once more. "Now...will you come and sit with me?"
Jim sat down next to Blair. After several long moments of barely breathing while he waited for Blair to come to his senses and move away, he shifted backward to lean against the wall, then pulled him in between his spread legs, situating the slighter body back against his chest. Blair leaned back with a contented sigh. He was still cold, even dressed, and wrapped in one of the blankets on top of everything. He was beginning to think he'd never be warm again. He wiggled slightly, trying to find a comfortable way to sit that didn't aggravate his injured posterior, and finally settled down. Jim wrapped his arms around him, and leaned down to Blair's ear. Between the drugs in his system, Blair's closeness and the younger man's wiggling to get comfortable, his voice was thick with desire. "Talk, Sandburg."
Blair shivered at the warm breath on his ear, and the tone those words held when Jim spoke them, but chose not to pursue it further, and settled into his story. "Just that I think they worked a magick, as in m-a-g-i-c-k spell on me when I got here. You know my earrings are missing?"
Jim nodded; he could still see traces of inflammation, and remembered the dried blood crusted on Blair's ear when he'd become coherent enough to notice things like that, that first day.
"Well, they ripped them from my ear," Blair shuddered slightly at the memory, "then put them into this small stone bowl--at least it looked stone--and started chanting over it. Chardis did, I mean. I have no idea what she was saying--it wasn't any language I recognize. But right after she finished chanting there was this flash of light, like a lightening strike, you know?, and smoke, and then I started feeling...afraid." The younger man said the last word very softly and Jim felt his heart ache again at the constant fear his friend had been subjected too since arriving at this place.
"Of what?"
"Everything, man. I was so hoping that you'd barge in then, guns blazing, so to speak; instead I passed out, and when I came to you were laying next to me, unconscious. Scared me to death, man. And then you wouldn't come around, at first, and I kept thinking of how you'd react when I finally got you to wake up...and I kept imagining you being, like, so totally pissed off...and I got more scared...and then I started to really think about what Chardis had said to me, and I knew, no matter how scared I might be of your reaction to being woke up, it was nothing against how scared I was if you didn't."
Jim nodded. "You were sitting over me when I woke up."
"Yeah--but I hadn't been awake very long. Half an hour, maybe. I--" Blair cut off his sentence when the door scraped open. Serita walked in and stood in front of them, arms crossed over her breast; eyes blazing cold fire.
"You may shower and shave. You," she pointed a finger at Jim, "will inspect your lover," her voice sneered the word at them, "and check his injury. You will also check and cleanse your own; if medication is needed, it will be provided. You will have half an hour, and we will go right now."
They both nodded and shifted off the bed, Jim helping Blair since the younger man was still a bit stiff.
"What about towels and soap?" Jim questioned, already heading toward the door.
Serita shrugged. "Those are all available in the bathing room." She eyed the two men distastefully. "Razors, as well. I suggest you use them."
Blair flushed hotly under her cold regard and Jim moved in front of him to help ease the younger man's distress. "We're ready," he told her. She nodded curtly and opened the door, pushing them through.
For a brief moment Jim entertained the idea of trying to overpower her, but Serita seemed to know what he was thinking and shook her head warningly, her eyes almost daring him to try, telling him he'd fail. He sighed and schooled the expression on his face to a neutral one. There would be a chance sooner or later; he just had to be ready to act upon it.
The water was wonderful; scrubbing off the grime of several days was even better. Sure, they'd had the ritual baths earlier in the day, but it just wasn't the same. Jim soaped himself over and over, thinking he'd never felt so dirty before. And it wasn't all physical dirt, either. The cuts on his abdomen and legs stung from the soap and water, and although he tried to be careful, several of them opened and bled a little again. He shuddered, watching the crimson-stained water running down the drain, wondering if he'd ever truly get these memories from his mind.
Slight movement to the side caught his attention, and he watched Blair out of the corner of his eye, noting the pale cheeks and trembling hand. Blair was shaving right now, and he wasn't using a safety razor. If he were to shake just a little too hard...
"You okay, Chief?"
Blair smiled sadly, looking at him in the reflection of the mirror. "I guess. I don't know what's wrong--I'm just real down all of a sudden."
Jim's stomach clenched into a knot. "Don't think of --doing anything, Blair. I mean it."
"Like what? You mean slit my throat, or my wrists?" Blair shook his head. "Man, death is like so not me. I don't want them to kill me--why would I do it myself?"
Jim shrugged, feeling stupid now. "I don't know, Chief. Guess I'm not thinking clearly right now." He stepped under the water to rinse the soap off. "Sorry--forget I said it. I didn't mean anything."
"Except you cared," Blair replied softly. He watched Jim in the mirror, rinsing himself off, hands running across his body, and his own heated slightly in response. How do I deal with this? It was just an attraction before...and not even totally that, either. Since when do I have this kind of response to him? He shook his head, and mentally chided himself, since you were forced to consider him as more than a friend.
"Blair?"
He refocused on Jim. "Yeah?"
"You all right?"
"Mmhmm."
"I still need to check you out."
Blair flushed. "I'm fine, Jim. Really."
"You're not fine, Sandburg. You were forced into accepting penetration numerous times today. And injured in the process."
"Numerous times?" Blair looked at Jim stupidly. He only recalled one that he would say injured him: the collection process. A shudder ran through him at the thought.
"First with me, then with them."
Blair shook his head. "You didn't force me, man."
"It wasn't what I'd call consensual, Blair."
"Well, if it wasn't consensual for me, it wasn't for either of us, Jim. We were both forced to take part. They just did a better job in making sure you'd have to participate." Blair cocked an eyebrow at Jim and continued, "You didn't force me. I participated of my own free will--such as it is, in here."
"Well however you want to argue it, I still need to check you. The light is a lot better in here, anyway. Come here."
Blair sighed, "God, this is so embarrassing."
"Why, for cryin' out loud? In case you don't remember, we just had sex this morning, Chief. It's not like I'm looking at anything I haven't already looked at or touched." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Jim wished them back. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but damn, it wasn't like he was asking a lot--just to let Blair let him check...make sure he really was okay.
"As if I'd forget," Blair muttered as he bent over, face flushed, presenting his ass to Jim for inspection.
Jim swallowed heavily when Blair bent at the waist. When Serita had told him he was to check Blair, and actually, he'd planned on it anyway, he hadn't really considered the impact that this would have on him, with the drugs coursing through his system. He reached a hand out and caressed the cheeks gently, then quickly parted them to see what he needed to see. The whole area looked better already. The inflammation was fading, and seen in the brighter light, the tear seemed very minor. Hopefully the upcoming activities in the morning wouldn't reverse things too badly. Fuck them wanting to hear screaming; I'll be extra careful...make it as close to making love to him as I can. As I'm capable of, at this point. He leaned in a fraction, inhaling the musk of Blair's body; swaying slightly as the heady scent hit him full on. Deciding this was a very dangerous course to pursue, he backed off, releasing Blair.
"Well?" Blair straightened up and looked at Jim, trying to calm his racing heart; to pretend that those caresses hadn't fired his blood some.
"Looks better, Chief," Jim said roughly. "You all done then? They'll be back soon." Jim reached for his clothing as he spoke, wincing at the thought of putting anything back on over the still-oozing cuts on his body.
"Yeah, just let me get my clothes on," Blair reached for his own clothing, and stepped into his jeans.
Jim's gaze was drawn to Blair, and he watched frankly as the younger man pulled the denim up over solid legs and thighs and reached for the buttons. Blair caught his interested look and blushed slightly, but didn't avert his gaze; instead meeting Jim's eyes straight on. They held the look for several heartbeats, then finished dressing in silence, both men aware that things were changing between them.
The rest of the afternoon and early evening passed slowly for them, each dreading the coming morning for different reasons. Most of the time was spent laying side-by-side on the bed, sleeping or talking quietly. Blair's mood had swung dangerously low after their shower, and although Jim knew it was a combination of the shock, trauma, and the over-all experience they were going through, he couldn't help but wonder and worry how much of a part in it he'd played.
As the day wore on, Jim found himself watching Blair carefully; he couldn't shake the feeling that the younger man was becoming a little shocky. He was concerned for his partner--he'd appeared to be fine earlier in the day. Jim swore at himself for not checking Blair internally during their shower-time. What if he'd been injured inside, where Jim hadn't checked? What if he was bleeding internally? His rational voice said that if Blair were bleeding internally, he'd have noticed something by now; but he couldn't help the thoughts floating through his mind. He stewed about it for a while, then finally turned to wake Blair up. To his surprise his guide was laying there, silent tears leaking out behind closed lids. Jim placed a hand gently on Blair's arm, wincing at the cold temperature of his skin. He quickly calculated his partner's body temp, figuring it to be around 96.6 degrees. No wonder the poor guy was shivering constantly. He, on the other hand, had boiling water in his veins; the now-familiar burn coursing through him steadily, with no let-up in sight, save for the one that would come tomorrow.
"Blair?"
His partner opened wet eyes, scrubbing at the tears. "Yeah?"
Jim sighed. What's wrong just didn't cut it anymore. He knew what was wrong--everything that was happening to them. He stretched a hand out. "C'mere, partner."
Blair shifted himself over toward Jim until he lay in the older man's embrace, a large warm hand gently stroking his back while he cried. "I don't know what's wr-wrong," he hiccuped finally. "Nothing's happened since this morning, and I dealt with that okay."
Jim sighed again, and lowered his head to brush a quick kiss across the top of Blair's head, inhaling deeply the younger man's scent. He could feel the ever-increasing desire flowing through him, and a small part of him--that side most in touch with his primitive self--nearly slobbered in anticipation of the ritual ceremony so that he could bury himself in the warm body next to him and--. NO! What the fuck is wrong with you, Ellison? Your partner needs you...needs you to be calm and rational, and IN CONTROL. Forget the part of you that is burning up...think with your big head, not the one that's throbbing between your legs.
He shuddered as a small measure of sanity reasserted itself. More than the sex itself, he just needed release, and didn't care much anymore how it was achieved. His body couldn't handle this level of arousal on a constant basis, it was beginning to wear on him. "You--we--didn't deal with much of anything earlier, Chief. We fell asleep, remember? You're in shock now, Blair. Delayed reaction. I think that's why you're so cold." As he spoke, Jim began briskly rubbing his hands against Blair's back and arms, trying to stimulate the sluggish circulation. Blair shivered at the sensation of Jim's hands moving on his body, even through the layers of blanket and clothing. "We're gonna have to do this all over again in a little while, Blair. Are you going to be able? You need to tell me now, so I know what to expect. My reaction to the drugs is stronger than it was before and I'm gonna need--" his voice broke on the last word, "--your help."
"I can do it, Jim. I want to..." his partner's voice trailed off into nothingness, and he stared into space. Jim reached a hand down and tilted Blair's face up to his.
"You want to what?"
"I want to...to...I want..." Frustrated at his inability to tell Jim what he wanted, Blair lifted his head a bit, and pulled Jim's head down to his.
Their lips meeting had an immediate, electrifying effect on Jim. He turned onto his side and pulled Blair into a rough embrace, mouth moving over the younger man's, tongue pushing past cool lips. Blair opened his mouth to let Jim in, and heard his friend groan when he slid his tongue over the older man's.
"Oh, god, baby..." Jim breathed when they pulled apart from each other. Blair's eyes flew open wide at the unexpected endearment, but before he could comment on it, or ask about it, Jim leaned back in and caught him in another mind-blowing kiss.
Oh my god, this is really happening, Blair thought with a sense of shock and surprise as Jim's hands roamed over him, caressing and stroking. He's kissing me and there's no reason for him to; we're touching and we don't need to be. I'm warm. I feel warm, and alive, and...loved. He returned the caresses; heard Jim's breathing become more rapid, harsher. He knew his was coming in gasps and that his heart was pounding out of control. He didn't have access to sentinel senses like Jim, but Blair suspected that Jim's heart was racing a bit as well. Then his thoughts turned back to the warm lips that were devouring his, and he returned the kiss wholeheartedly.
They had just pulled apart for air when the door flew open to reveal a livid Chardis, flanked by an equally livid Yvelle and Serita. Her words were shards of ice flung at them: "Do you need to wear the cock ring again, so soon, Detective? I'd have thought you were tired of it by now."
Jim felt his temper reach the boiling point, and his lips curled into a grimace of disgust and weariness. FUCK YOU!!! His brain screamed. He opened his mouth to give this bitch his opinion of what he thought about her threats and all the rest of the shit he and Blair were being put through when he felt Blair's hand on his arm. His guide shook his head once, and mouthed 'No', knowing Jim would hear it. Jim closed his mouth and relaxed slightly, taking up a protective stance in front of Blair. "We weren't doing anything that is going to interfere in your plans," he offered as lightly as he could manage, watching Chardis' eyes darken with hatred and something that looked like rage.
"Tread carefully, Detective," her voice lowered. "The young man beside you is quite precious to you, isn't he? How would you like to watch him perform with someone else? We still prefer that the ritual be marked by a forced act...and it could still happen." She stared at the two men consideringly. "You never know, Detective. He might enjoy the experience...and you might enjoy watching." Her lips curved in a cruel parody of a smile.
Jim sat back in shock. He could hear Blair's heart pounding, the beat erratic now, and glanced at his partner. The younger man had gone dead white with shock and terror. Jim felt bile rising in his throat over the thought that these women--who professed to be part of the human race--could make a threat like that. He shifted forward, slightly away from Blair; enough to appease some of the fury in Chardis' eyes, but still close enough to Blair that his guide wouldn't think he was deserting him.
"Very good, Detective," she purred at him. "You're a fast learner, aren't you?"
"I try," he ground out between clenched teeth. "Now what?"
"Well, since the two of you seem to be so anxious for each other, I suppose we'll have to take precautions that you don't, indeed, mess up the ceremonies tomorrow. " She studied the two men closely, her inky-black eyes seeming to reflect the smoldering fires of hell. When she spoke again, Chardis' voice was rich with mockery and amusement. "I was going to try and be merciful," she said, "although you certainly didn't earn it with that pitiful performance earlier today." A heavy sigh, and she rubbed her belly. "Still, you did provide a fair amount of ...useable...goods for me...and I was going to let you be for the evening. Now," mock-regret stole into the cool tones, sending shivers of fear skittering along Jim's backbone. "Now, I'm going to have to go back on that, and give you back a small measure of your control. Yvelle, darling, I want you to go get the nice little toy that's going to help our Detective maintain a hold on himself. Oh, and bring another syringe, as well."
He screamed this time, when they held him down and injected him, then strapped the tight leather around his aching cock. Afterwards, with nothing more than a cold, mocking smile, Chardis and the other two left them alone, with him curled into himself on his side and Blair kneeling next to him, eyes frantic as he tried to determine how best to deal with this.
Chapter 13
"How
long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?"
--Psalm 13
Blair managed to get Jim's jeans off of him, figuring that as hot as his friend already was, it would get worse with higher levels of the drug coursing through him, and probably irritate the still-raw cuts. He got Jim settled best as he could, trying to ignore the erection tenting through the fly of the older man's boxers, taunting and teasing him. The pulsing organ almost seemed to be talking to him, promising him delights and horrors all at the same time. Blair shuddered with the odd thoughts. Where in the hell is this coming from? I've slid over the edge into the land of no return if I'm anthropomorphizing a cock. Which one of us is getting the injections of hallucinogens anyway? He shuddered again. At least Jim was resting quietly, if only probably for the moment. Now if only he could, as well. Sandburg laid down next to his partner, maintaining as much distance as he could, and closed his eyes.
In his heart, he clung to the hope that they were hallucinations; in his mind he knew they were reality.
He could hear the loud sounds of the earth moving around him, under him. Restless, shifting noises--but was that the earth, or was that him? He shifted again, uncertain now, caught in a strange sort of sensory hell within his own mind. He could hear the things; could see and smell them as well. And yet, he knew, even as he knew that his heightened senses were maxed out right now, that he wasn't really experiencing the things that were opened up to him. Or was he?
There they were again--those sounds. Restless, like him. Did mother earth know what was happening here? Was she sympathetic, trying to feel? He groaned and shifted himself, his body hot and aching, higher reasoning not well within his grasp any longer. He was beginning to function mostly on instinct and that instinct was screaming at him to give in and seek out his mate, in whatever way he needed him.
Ahhh...that was the other thing here. He sensed the panther's presence in here, as surely as his own and Sandburg's. The large cat moved restlessly as well, shifting back and forth around the room, pausing to growl and belch strange noxious odors into the air...
...no, that wasn't that panther. What was it though? He sniffed the air, trying to place the scent, but unable to.
The world shifted around him entirely, shaking his balance and focus--what little remained of either. He pulled in further against himself and his mouth opened to whisper one soft entreaty:
"Blair."
The soft whisper woke him from his own restless dreams, the younger man turning toward the older, instinctively knowing that Jim needed him to anchor him again; to ground him against the barrage of sensory and hallucinogenic input.
"Here, Jim," he offered softly, reaching out to grasp a hot, shaking hand in his own. "I'm right here."
Jim's tongue darted out to lick at lips gone hot and dry with the chemical fever burning its way through him. His voice was rough and gravelly, a raw edge to it. "I...n-need... Help m-me, Blair--"
Sandburg twined his fingers through Jim's, wincing at the intense heat burning into him. How was his friend bearing it? He reached his free hand up to smooth it across the lined forehead, barely brushing the tips of his fingers there, withdrawing that slight caress when Jim winced.
"What, Jim? What do you need? Tell me, I'll help you." He modulated his voice, keeping it very low, soothing, calm. Nothing to edge Jim's discomfort level any higher than it already was. Dammit! How long until they just totally misjudge and give him a fucking overdose? This is the worse yet--he's got so much of this shit built up in him that he'll probably be flying at the micro-cellular level for weeks. He steadfastly ignored the small voice that laughed hysterically and reminded him there likely would be no more 'weeks' for either of them.
"I...you..." the harsh words were punctuated by panting as Jim made a desperate attempt to regain some of his control, some of himself. "It's...worse... I don't...know...anymore..."
"I've got you, Jim. Not gonna let you fall, man." Blair whispered the words, his eyes tracing the other man's face. When sky-blue eyes opened to meet his, he winced. The emotions that he saw raging out of control in the cerulean depths scared him. Jim's defenses were the lowest he'd ever seen--and he couldn't imagine Jim Ellison without those defenses. Without that control. I won't let you fall, Jim, even if it means breaking that fall with myself. When it comes...when the moment is here...I'll catch you, even if I end up crashing because of it. As long as you're okay when this is over, that's what counts. I'll survive because I can bend a lot more than you can. I'm flexible. You...your defense is your control and although it serves you well, you're lost without it. I can see it in your eyes, Jim. You're running scared from yourself right now. I'm here. I'll always be here for you. I'll break your fall...I'll catch you.
Two sets of blue eyes met and melded. Blair tried to send waves of comfort across the arc he could see between them. Jim shuddered hard under the impact of the their gaze, then whimpered and pressed himself tightly against Blair, nuzzling into soft skin and softer hair, rooting against the lean muscles of Blair's neck much like an infant would root, seeking nourishment.
Hesitantly, not wanting to hurt his friend further, Blair brought his arms up and cautiously wrapped them around the broad, shaking form beside him. Jim shuddered again, then returned to his nuzzling, his lips sucking gently at the warm skin of Blair's throat. Waves of tenderness washed over the younger man and he cradled Jim closer, his hands stroking the hot back. That's it, Jim. You take the comfort however you can find it. I can bear this for both of us, while you work on surviving...and if surviving means you have to taste me, that's fine.
He could feel Jim's erection poking him harshly in the stomach, but ignored it, held his body still. Jim didn't need sex. None of this was about sex. This was so totally in the opposite direction that there wasn't any comparison. This was two friends--now lovers--giving and receiving comfort, needing each other and being there for the other. He shifted his head a little bit, changing the angle so he could rest more easily against the pillow, and stifled the low moan that rose to his lips when Jim's mouth moved with him and fastened onto his skin again. There was something so hungry, so...needy...about that hot mouth tasting him. No...not tasting him. Not really. More like connecting with him. Briefly he wondered if that was how infants felt when they were suckling; were they connecting? Maybe that's why we all like to suck...we need the connection; we remember that. The physical nourishment is important, but it satisfies another kind, as well. Spiritual, emotional, whatever. His hand smoothed gently over Jim's head, stroking the short hair there. Take whatever you need, Jim. As much as you need for as long as you need it.
It was incredible, this warmth beneath his lips. Tangy salt filled his mouth and he suckled harder, feeling the soft skin giving way, yielding to him. He nuzzled into the softness, breathing deeply of the scent there; a scent that signaled safety and comfort to him. A gentle hand brushed over his head and images sprang into his mind of a large, sleek cat licking at its mate, connecting with it. He's mine. He's my mate. He's my anchor holding me fast against the storm that's raging around and within me. I can close my eyes and be safe. He'll make sure I stay safe here, with him. The maelstrom of feelings and emotions would have been frightening if he'd still been in control; without that it was terrifying...but there was a haven here, and he was connecting to as best he could. In some corner of his fevered brain he accepted the comfort and the connection, and relaxed against the smaller body holding him tightly.
Held safe in each other's arms, they slept for a time.
The worst of the actual hallucinations had worn off when he woke a while later.
Jim groaned and shifted, aware of his body's discomfort from the erection that just wouldn't go away. I hope I'm still able to do what's expected of me. His body throbbed at the thought and he smiled ruefully to himself. I don't guess it's going to be much of a concern.
The man snuggled tightly against him stirred in his sleep and Jim smoothed a hand down the tangled curls that were tumbled wildly about the pillow, Blair's face, and his face, nestled as it was in the curve of Blair's neck. Blair's neck. Vague images of the hours just past filtered into his still-hazy brain, and Jim pushed himself up and away, just enough to get a good look. Heartsick at what he saw there, he brought his fingers up to stroke lightly over the soft, reddish-purple bruises that smudged the pale skin. He sighed, a ragged sound in the stillness, then started when cool fingers touched his own, stroking with him.
"S'okay, man." Blair's voice, still rough with sleep.
"I hurt you. Took--" His voice shook and he could hear the self-condemnation there. He raised his eyes to look into the dark, sleep-fogged blue depths of his partner's.
"No. You only took what I was willing--happy!--to give, Jim. You needing grounding, man--you were flying all over the place."
"But by hurting you? Bruising you? Jesus Christ, Sandburg." Even as he spoke he could taste the younger man's salt on his lips and tongue; felt himself surge again, pain and longing shooting through his body like tiny little white-hot needles stabbing him.
"You didn't do serious harm, Jim. It didn't even hurt at the time. I think..." Blair's voice trailed off as he considered his words. "I think it was from you...sucking...for so long, that there's marks." He raised his hands to cup Jim's face, his voice low, the words mere breathy whispers. "You needed to make a connection last night, Jim. I didn't care how you did it, if it helped you. You were hurting so bad--" He stared into Jim's eyes, trying to make him see what was there.
They stared at each other for long, long minutes; the only sounds in the room were raspy breathing and thumping hearts. And Jim was the only one who heard their hearts.
At last, when Blair had just about given up hope of his partner really seeing, understanding, Jim's face softened. "Thank you," he whispered, before lowering his mouth gently to Blair's, seeking to give back some of what he took last night, to reinforce the connection that was becoming as necessary to them as breathing was.
The sweet, searing peace that stole over him as Jim's lips moved over his made Blair want to cry. They were warm, soft, gentle as they softened against his. The press of Jim's tongue against the seam of his lips coaxed him into opening, letting his friend inside to taste the sweetness there. Jim's own mouth was heaven; warm and wet, tongue teasing over his with long stroking motions.
"Let me love you, just a little bit," Jim whispered against the lush mouth pressed to his, fingers tangling in the dark silk that was Blair's hair. "Let me give you back a little of what you've given to me." Even as he spoke, the bigger man was rolling them, hands reaching to stroke underneath the heavy sweater. "Is it okay, Blair? Can I touch you?" He drew back far enough this time to see into the smoky-blue eyes that were so dark now they were nearly black. His fingers stroked over one nipple, smiling as the tiny bit of flesh pebbled beneath his touch.
Blair's breathing was ragged now, as the peace from earlier morphed into something even more powerful, more intense. Jim's fingers stroked over his nipples, carding through the hair covering his chest and stomach, then moved further down, gliding gently and sensuously, until his hips had to move in time with them.
"Y-yes," he gulped. "Touch me, Jim. Please, touch me." He arched his back, startled, when lips touched briefly at his navel, a warm tongue dipping in to taste before a gentle kiss was placed there. Rough, callused fingers stroked the soft skin of his belly as they reached to undo the buttons on his jeans; stray caresses fell on the rigid flesh throbbing beneath the denim and Blair whimpered, his body straining upward. "Please," he moaned softly. "Oh, please..." He whimpered again when Jim's lips moved over him, tasting him, then opened to pull him deep into the warm, wet cavern of his mouth.
Delicious. That was the overwhelming conclusion within his brain; the portion that could still function, anyway. Blair tasted of salt, and sweat, and musk. His skin here was thin and silky, stretched tautly over the hard flesh. His pulse thundered in Jim's ears, and against his tongue, as the large vein running along the underside pumped blood through the engorged organ. He sucked gently at first, then harder when his guide began to moan softly, fingers petting restlessly against his head. I'm going to make this so good for you, Blair; show you how much pleasure I'd like to give you--would give you, always, if the circumstances were different.
He drew his mouth from the throbbing cock, earning a small cry of distress from his panting friend. "Easy," he murmured against the heated flesh of Blair's pelvis, before stroking downward with his tongue, running it through the dark curly bush of pubic hair. There was salt here, as well, and more musk. He buried his face in the curls and breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of his partner in full arousal. His own cock throbbed ominously, chafing against its leather prison, but he ignored it. This wasn't for or about him; it was all for Blair. He pushed the jeans off long, firm legs, then leaned back in.
He lapped gently at the balls hanging heavy and tight in their sac beneath the fully erect cock. Blair moaned and arched toward his mouth, spreading his legs invitingly. Jim obliged and took each one into his mouth in turn, swirling his tongue enticingly over the swollen orbs, sucking on them with tender abandon. Blair shook beneath him, quiet but for tiny, breathy moans and whimpers. Those small noises encouraged Jim and he nudged the lean thighs further apart, his tongue moving downward, tracing a wet line, tasting the clean, earthy taste that was pure Blair.
"Ohhh, Jim...oh god, please--" Shaking hands grasped at his head as the body beneath his own hands trembled and shivered.
"You taste so good," he murmured huskily, spreading pliant flesh with his hands, licking gently at the tender ring of muscle that had opened for him, taken him in. A low, keening cry filled the air and Blair shook harder, shifting his legs further apart, encouraging the gentle caresses. "Ahhh...you like that." Jim smiled against the hot flesh. "Good, 'cause I like it too." He bent his head back to his task, wetting the little pucker lavishly, only the tip of his tongue pressing against it, running along the rim. He circled the tight little rosebud once more, then ran his tongue back up to take Blair into his mouth once again.
Pleasure exploded into Blair's brain, imprinted on the backs of his eyelids in Technicolor, ringing in his ears in stereo sound. He could feel Jim's mouth moving around him...around his...oh god, he was sucking him back into that incredible mouth--! He strained, body arching upward, trying to drive his cock into the moist warmth encircling it.
Jim choked a little when the hard cock in his mouth drove inward, bumping against the back of his throat; then he was relaxing his throat, taking Blair deeper into himself, swallowing around the hard column of flesh, wringing more cries from the tense body under him. He swirled his tongue over the weeping, leaking head, ran it up and down the shaft, sucked Blair hard, then gently, varying the pressure and rhythm. Moisture ran from the hard cock, seeping from the slit at the top of the crown, and he slid the tip of his tongue around it, tasting the precum there, along with the stronger flavor that heralded the beginning of Blair's orgasm. Jim groaned deep in his chest and shifted, taking Blair root-deep, sucking fiercely, wanting to taste his friend's release.
"Oh! Oh...god...oh god...ohgodohgodohgod..." Blair panted, his hips arching upward, following the rhythm that Jim's mouth was setting. He was on fire, he was going to explode, he was about to have a heart attack. No one had ever done this for him, like this. It was as if Jim was sucking his soul out, replacing it with pure pleasure, pure sensation. He grasped at short hair, held Jim's head while his body thrust upward, driving himself deeper. "Jii-iii-immm...!!!" That was the only warning he was able to articulate before his body convulsed and he released his cream into Jim's waiting mouth in long, hot spurts.
Oh yeah. Ellison groaned, his own body shaking from the power of Blair's orgasm. Hot, bitter-sweet, salty semen flooded his mouth and he swallowed eagerly, taking every drop and longing for more. He reached a hand down to cup and gently squeeze the hot balls that were drawn up so tight to Blair's body, pulling another moan from his partner. He sucked until the spasms stopped, then gently drew on the flaccid penis, licking carefully, cleaning his friend up. He felt an immediate pang of loss when he let the soft organ slide from between his lips and leaned down to kiss the tip tenderly before moving back up to pull a still shaking Blair into his arms.
"You okay?" he asked, softly, not wanting to break the spell that seemed to be over them. A magick spell, indeed, woven around them--a spell of love and trust.
"Y-yeah," Blair managed, curling into Jim's chest, trying to get his breathing under control. "Wow, man. That was..." he shuddered again, his voice still a little shaky.
"I know," Jim said, his voice holding gentle humor as he stroked Blair's back. "I felt it, too." He placed a kiss on the tip of his guide's nose, then cuddled him close, his voice more serious now. "I want you to hold on to that, Chief. Know how good it is...can be...when I can't...make it that good for you." His voice roughened with emotion, shaking a little when Blair hugged him back. "If they give me another injection, Blair, and we both know they will, I--" he broke off, shaking his head. "I don't know what will happen," he continued in a hoarse whisper. "I want to believe I wouldn't ra--take you with force...but I can't swear to that anymore. I know I don't have any right to ask this...but please...believe me when I say that I'll do all I can--" his voice broke on the last word and Jim Ellison buried his face in his guide's curls and shook with emotion.
"Jim." Blair's voice was barely a whisper, but Jim tightened his grip, indicating he heard him. "Don't do this to yourself, man. I know...what they're doing to you. I--" he paused to swallow, his own stomach tightening at the thought of Jim losing control that completely. "I believe in you, Jim. You won't hurt me...and even if you do, I know you don't mean to." He stroked his own hands over the tense back of the man holding him. "It's okay, man. We'll survive this together, Jim. Somehow, we'll come through it."
Ellison didn't say anything else, just gripped Blair tighter against him, trying to quell the shaking that was consuming him. I hope so, Chief. I hope we make it through this...and that you forgive me someday for all this. Because I can't help but wonder how you'll not hate me, when we're out of here, and away from this, and you remember all of it. Oh, god, Blair...please don't hate me. I think I could stand anything but that. Anything.
They lay together, huddled in each other's arms, trying to give and draw strength, until Chardis came for them a short while later.
It felt like a repeat of the nightmare that had been yesterday. Forced out of bed, separated, humiliated. Drugged. Again.
Chardis injected him herself when she first entered the chamber; the needle was like a hot spike driving into his skin, skin that was still sensitive and over-stimulated from the previous injection just hours before.
"Why?" he moaned quietly, thinking he hadn't spoken out loud, until she answered him.
"Because today, detective, you will make him scream. I'm going to make sure of it." She stroked her hand up and down his swollen, aching penis, laughing in his face when he groaned and arched into her hand. "You would fuck anything right now, wouldn't you? Just for the release. I could tell you to mount a goat and you would."
"No." Jim shook his head, opening eyes he'd squeezed shut when she began the torturous caresses. "I wouldn't fuck just anything. I won't." He gritted his teeth when her fingers slid down him, reaching to stroke and squeeze his testicles, which were throbbing harshly in time with his pulse.
"Oh, I imagine quite differently, detective. But since the purpose here is to get semen from you, it's counter-productive to have you fuck anything else, isn't it?" She squeezed a little harder and Jim groaned. "You really need it, don't you?" her voice dropped to a low, seductive caress. "You want it so bad...need to fuck so bad, don't you? Want to take that little man over there and ram it deep inside him, don't you?"
"Noooo--"
Blair watched, horrified, as Chardis manipulated Jim's body nearly to the breaking point. His friend was ashen, droplets of sweat dripping from his face and down his chest.
"Listen to me, detective." The woman leaned in close, whispering, but making sure her voice was still loud enough for Blair to hear her as well. "You make him scream. Loudly. If you don't, I guarantee you will both regret it." She squeezed once more, then nodded at Serita. "Assist our detective to his bath, Serita. I think he may need a little assistance getting there. And don't take the cock ring off until he's ready to get into the tub."
Blair held Jim's eyes until his partner was dragged away, his heart aching for the pain being forced on him. He refused to consider the possible pain that would be forced on him before much longer.
The similarities to yesterday persisted with the rituals, although he wasn't cut again. That was the only difference that he could see--not that he was seeing much right now. Caught in the worst throes of the hallucinogens, he was barely aware of his humanity, much less anything going on around him. There was something different about the injection he'd been given this morning; it was stronger yet than anything he'd experienced so far. And he could feel the heat burning through him, burning into him.
The sex-ritual that the women of the cult engaged in upon the completion of the mass nearly undid him. It took everything within him not to reach out and grab Sandburg; force him to the floor and take him right there, however unwilling both of them might be to that. The ever-increasingly smaller portion of his brain that was still capable of higher reasoning wondered if that was the intent: perhaps Chardis wanted to watch them perform right there, in the midst of the rest of the hellish nightmare.
To his everlasting relief, he was wrong. Apparently Chardis wasn't interested in watching two men having sex; not up close and personal, anyway. They were both jerked to their feet and led to stand before her. While they waited for her to finish the 'benediction' of the ceremony, Jim's arm was pulled back, and he felt a sting as Serita injected him yet again. Instantly the temperature inside him rose to unknown heights; he felt as though even his eyes were on fire. His cock jerked and bobbed, and again he was filled with the urge to shove Blair to his knees then and there, take him hard, take him over and over until the burning stopped. They really want the violence, the still coherent part of his brain managed. They'll do anything to get it, even risking an overdose. A hard hand grasped his biceps, and he was half-led, half-dragged out of the room, Blair being pulled along behind him. They were thrust into their tiny cell, naked, just like yesterday. Except, unlike yesterday, today he felt like he was capable of the rape they wanted, even while his inner-self recoiled from the thought.
No, no, no! Can't do it! Not going to do it! His brain burned with the thoughts, as though it was in collusion with his body; with the hormones raging out of control within him. A small sound caught his attention, and Jim whirled around, hot eyes seeking out what his body desired, required, craved. Blair. His guide was standing where he'd been thrust, next to the door, an odd look on his face. Jim started toward him, but Blair was faster. He closed the distance between them, and dropped to his knees.
Jim groaned out loud as Blair's hot, wet mouth fastened on him, sucking him almost ravenously. In that sane part of his mind, Jim knew that there was no way they'd be permitted to allow a blowjob to come to fruition; he half expected the bitches to come slamming into the room at any minute. He couldn't think anymore then, as his mind shut down from the pleasure being visited on his body. He gripped Blair's head tightly, twining strands of the silky hair around his fingers, anchoring him. Blair sucked faster and harder, pulling back occasionally to run his tongue along the length of Jim, licking with broad strokes. Jim looked down to see his cock disappearing and reappearing, in and out of Blair's mouth, and nearly lost it on the spot. He'd never seen anything so erotic before, as the sight of those sensuous lips closing and opening over him. He groaned again, and hissed, "Sandburg, what are you doing? I'm gonna come... We can't do it like this!"
Blair pulled himself back from Jim. "Getting you ready," he whispered harshly, as if the words hurt to say out loud.
Jim looked down at himself. Getting him ready? The whole picture slammed into him again as he heard the sounds of Blair working up more spit in his mouth, then taking his cock back into it. Blair was lubing him the only way he knew how, and at the same time, keeping Jim's lust at bay long enough to manage it. Jim felt warmth course through him that had nothing to do with the lust rushing through his body. "Blair--"
The younger man's voice was a raw hiss. "Make it look good, big guy. They want it rough, so make it look as rough as you can manage. We only get one chance at this." Blair licked Jim's cock once more for measure, then turned and knelt on the bench, wincing as the hard wood under his knees bit into his skin.
Jim positioned himself behind his partner, and rubbed a hastily moistened finger against Blair's pucker. He felt the younger man's flinch of pain, and cringed inwardly. He couldn't do it like this. Not to Blair. Never to Blair.
As if he read Jim's mind and intentions, Blair pushed backward and rubbed himself against Jim's body and cock. "Do it!" he hissed. "Just get it over with, man. I can handle it." He bowed his head, waiting.
Jim's body throbbed with the unexpected contact, and he fumbled to place the head of his fiercely engorged penis at the entrance to Blair's body. He felt the resistance of muscle, and it inflamed him further. "I'm sorry, Chief... I'm so sorry... I'll make this up to you somehow..." he whispered into Blair's hair as he thrust full inside in one hard stroke.
Blair stiffened, a scream clawing its way up his throat. Oh, god, it hurts. I didn't think it would be this bad. He grabbed the edge of the table for support as a pain so incredibly intense it stopped him breathing for several seconds shot through him. Jim stopped instantly, held still for a minute. His head was still leaning against Blair's, and the younger man could feel the hot tears dripping down his neck. Jim--his Jim--was crying! Crying for him, over him. His own tears were still running down his face, and he reached up to wipe them away. In a voice rough with pain he whispered, "Come on, Jim, let's get this over with." His entire body ached now, and he wanted only to end this nightmare so he could lay down..
Jim pulled back, and began moving forward again, the fever building back up in his blood. Blair groaned and dropped his head, every line in his body tight with pain. Jim hated himself for what he was doing, but he had no control over it any longer. He stroked himself in and out of Blair several times before the need overtook him completely, and he picked up speed and intensity. A few hard thrusts was all it took, and he came into Blair, yelling wordlessly, trying to vent some of the anger, frustration and self-loathing he was feeling.
Those feelings increased exponentially over the next several hours as he took his partner over and over again. The primitive part of him was fully in control for the moment, and it knew only that it had a hunger that desperately needed appeasing.
Blair didn't scream again after that first time, but each sound he made thereafter was heavy with pain; barely stifled moans and soft grunts that went a long way toward nudging Jim's guilt up further.
He lay under the bigger man after the final shuddering thrust ended, his own body trembling with fatigue and pain. He ached deep inside, in places he hadn't realized were a part of him. The ache in his body, however, was nothing to the ache in his soul when he realized from the silence above him just how badly this had hurt Jim. Jim, who'd sworn he'd never hurt him...never force him...had done that. Well, he hadn't forced him, but it had hurt, and he knew that it was going to take him a lot of fast and fancy talking to convince Jim not to blame himself for the next lifetime or ten.
Large hands, incredibly gentle, smoothed over his sweaty hair, stroking gently. "I'm so sorry, Chief." It was the harsh, quiet whisper of guilt and self-hatred, and in his heart Blair flinched away from the tone.
He didn't get a chance to answer then, because the door slammed open, admitting Chardis, Serita, Yvelle and two other amazon women.
Chapter 14
"And that we may be delivered from unreasonable
men."
--II Thessalonians 3:2
This was the same, too. They came and took Blair away immediately; leading him to wonder if they were indeed watching them. How else could they have known when he was finished? He lay on the bed, an arm flung over his face, wondering how in the hell he'd ever look Blair in the eye again. He'd done what he swore he wouldn't do--he'd raped his partner. Maybe it could be argued that it wasn't rape because Blair had told him to do it that way, but it was damn sure close. As far as he was concerned it was rape. Jim closed his eyes, hearing again in his head the scream when he thrust into Blair, and the constant groans and whimpers his friend had made throughout. Friend. Did he even have the right to call Blair that anymore? He wondered if the self-loathing he felt right now would be evident when he looked into the mirror.
The worst part is that we have one more day of this to get through. Sweet Jesus, if I was like this today, what will I be like tomorrow? The idea made him cringe, just considering it. Blair's not gonna be in any kind of condition for this, either...not wonder all the autopsies showed signs of forced...of tearing. Shit. Fuck. Goddammit, these women have fucking ruined our lives! Even if we got out of here today, right this minute, nothing would ever be the same between us. Now I don't even the right to try and hold him and tell him how good I want to make it for him...how much I need him...how much I love him.
Something rumbled beneath him and Jim shifted upright, looking around suspiciously. He wasn't totally tripped out this time--he was hearing strange noises. He looked around again, trying to decide what he was hearing. There was a faint shaking that was discernible, as well. Discernible to him, anyway. Were they near a fault line? Or was the earth merely expressing its disapproval over his treatment of Blair?
At least the incredible burning lust that had consumed him had stopped. Not gone completely, but at a manageable level, anyway.
As if that mattered now. He'd committed an unholy act, for certain. The idea of forcing sex on anyone was abhorrent enough as it was, but to do that to--. He'd taken his friend, and used him -- used him hard, and without any pleasure or joy for that friend. Without permission. Without caring. No, that wasn't true. Blair had given him permission. He shuddered. Gave me permission to fucking violate him. Rape him. Shit. He shook his head. He'd cared, too. He'd cried while Blair cried; felt the tears and the pain same as his partner...his lover. Jim rolled over and curled into a fetal position, trying to contain the pain that was throbbing through him. He lay there feeling the tears start once again, hurting all over, sick to his stomach and sick at heart.
He'd nearly exhausted himself into sleep when the faintest sounds of a scream reached his ears. He jerked upright, shock knifing through his body. Oh, god, that was Blair screaming! He was off the bed and at the door before the first of the sound waves had passed by him.
"Hey! What are you doing to him! Chardis! Any of you, you BITCHES! What the fuck are you DOING TO HIM?" Jim banged his fists on the door, and screamed at the top of his lungs, trying to get someone's attention.
He yelled for what seemed like hours, but was probably in fact only a few minutes. He pulled back when he heard scratching at the lock on the door. It opened, and a thoroughly exhausted looking Blair was shoved in, and the door shut again, only the briefest glimpse showing it to be Yvelle returning him. Jim caught him as he stumbled, and they sank to the floor together. The older man ran his fingers through the dark curls, searching for unseen wounds. Unfortunately he could imagine all too well what they could do to Blair to cause enough pain to make his friend scream, without leaving some sort of physical wound.
"S'not there...wrong place," Blair mumbled when he felt Jim's fingers trailing over his head. He didn't want him to stop; it felt good awfully good to have those strong fingers gently smoothing over his head. But he felt like he should let him know he was looking in the wrong direction.
"Where, baby? Where'd they hurt you?" Jim was frantically running his hands over Blair's body now, searching desperately for the source of pain.
"Same place as before," Blair whispered hoarsely. "My throat hurts, Jim. Would you get me some water, please?"
The water coming from the tap today was tepid, rather than cold, but Blair drank it down greedily. It seemed to revive him a bit, and he shifted slightly, trying to get off of his buttocks. Jim caught the movement, and knew instantly where Blair was hurt. He helped his partner move onto the blankets, settling him on his stomach.
"I need to check, Chief," Jim said softly. "We need to know how badly you're hurt."
"I know," Blair whispered again. "Just...be careful. Don't --touch me too much, okay?"
"I won't." Jim closed his eyes briefly, then shifted around to a better position. Blair hissed in pain when he touched him, spreading him open carefully. Jim groaned. Any healing that had happened since yesterday had been eradicated. He wasn't ripped open or anything, but Jim could definitely see some tearing, with a small amount of blood over the area, and the skin around the anus was red and angry-looking, very inflamed. He took a deep breath. "What about inside, Chief? Do you feel like you're bleeding inside, or anything? Should I check?"
Blair paled slightly, but shook his head. "I--hadn't thought about that," he mumbled. "I don't know, man, I don't know what it would feel like." He shivered, feeling so exposed. "God, I hate this. I guess you should." He looked over his should at the man standing behind him. "What's the best position for you to do this?"
Jim looked at him, and then around the room. "I guess...right here on the bed, but um, on hands and knees, Chief." He turned and hurried into the small bathroom to retrieve the tube of medicated ointment from the medicine chest. When he returned, Blair was gingerly shifting himself into position, every movement apparently painful, judging from the expressions on his guide's face. Jim moved behind Blair, laying the ointment and a wet towel on the bed beside him. "It's gonna hurt, no matter what," he warned.
Blair took a deep breath and swallowed. "I know. Just...be as careful as you can, man."
"I will, Chief. Trust me."
"I do," Blair whispered. "I do."
Jim watched the line of Blair's back tense as he gently touched his cheeks. There was some bruising on the pale skin that he hadn't seen at first, being too hung up on the other injuries to his friend. Bruises in the shape of fingerprints, too small to be his. "I'm going to kill them all for this," he muttered to himself as he very carefully pressed Blair's cheeks apart. The younger man hissed again through his teeth, but made no other noise. Jim closed his eyes briefly, then opened them up to take a good look. With Blair up like this, the angle was better for really checking. The damage looked worse like this than when he'd first checked his him. One of the tears was long, and extended into the anal passage; the external area was torn, swollen and badly inflamed. Jim sighed. Because of the tear he could see extending inward, he needed to check inside; there was no way around it. "Blair?"
"Yeah, Jim." The tone of his voice made Jim realize that Blair knew what was coming.
"One of the tears goes into...goes in."
Blair was silent for a moment, then sighed. "Go ahead, man."
He picked up the small, wet towel and gently cleaned the raw skin, wiping away the blood that had welled to the surface of the cuts with his shifting the skin around. He reached for the tube of ointment and smoothed some of it around the red, tender area.
"What are you doing?" Blair craned his head around trying to see. He could feel the cool gel; it actually felt very soothing against the fever heat of his ass.
"Well, the stuff needs to be put on anyway; I'm just using it to ease my way for you."
"Oh." Blair turned his head back around. He didn't want to watch any of this.
The fingers caught him by surprise, even though he was expecting them. He gasped in pain as painful, swollen tissues were parted, and tried to pull away from Jim. The older man leaned in and gently nuzzled one asscheek, pressing a soft kiss to the trembling skin "Easy, baby. I'll be done in a minute."
"Ow, Jim...it hurts...oh, god,..." Blair gasped as Jim moved his fingers around gently, trying to get the best angle of opening to ascertain the degree of damage.
"Okay, finished." Jim pulled his hand away. "I'm sorry, Chief, but we needed to know."
"And?" Blair eased back onto his knees and looked at Jim. His partner looked grim.
"No way, Blair. We'll have to talk to them tonight, or tomorrow morning. Another session like today--either of them--and you'll probably end up with something ruptured in there."
Blair shuddered at Jim's words, and carefully began shifting back onto the bed. Jim finished wiping his hands off, and turned to help him. He reached for Blair, then noticed the tears still on Blair's face. The older man touched a fingertip to one of them, and brought it to his mouth. He gently wiped Blair's face with the cloth in his hands, removing the physical evidence of the pain he'd caused him.
Afterward he helped the smaller man dress, moving him very carefully, pulling on boxers and sweater, deciding that his friend should forego the jeans for now. Too much movement, too much pain involved in that just yet. He tidied up the small room, put the ointment way and washed his hands thoroughly.
Blair didn't say a word, just watched him, eyes following his movements carefully. Jim wanted to run away and hide. He had no right to be here, taking care of his friend--as if he weren't the cause of the pain and trauma!
When he was done he sat down on the end of the bed, maintaining a distance when all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Blair and never let go. A shudder of longing ran through him; not to have sex with Blair, but just to hold him, kiss him, comfort him. To try and make amends for what he'd done today; although he knew he could never be forgiven for that. He could give him a thousand hugs, kisses, blowjobs like last night, and still not come close to making up for what he'd done. A hand touched his arm, and he looked up.
"Jim." Blair's eyes, open and trusting. "Don't do this, man. It wasn't your fault."
God, how many times had he heard those words from this man? This man who'd stayed beside him in spite of the countless number of times he'd been kidnapped, shot at, plotted against. And what kind of thanks did Jim give him? A pat 'good work, Chief', and a smile. Then it was, 'get your butt in gear, Sandburg, or 'quit messing up the house,' or some shit like that. Jim shook his head, looking at Blair, drowning in those blue eyes. "Blair..." He didn't even know where to begin to start in his apologies.
"Don't, Jim. I mean it. It wasn't your fault. The fact that I've survived this as...intact... as I have is a reflection on how much you..." Blair swallowed, "...you care. Anyone else--"
"Anyone else wouldn't have gotten you in this situation in the first place, Chief!" Jim couldn't contain the explosion. "It's because of me that you're here to start with!"
Blair shook his head, and pushed the hair out of his eyes. "You don't know that, man." Blair watched Jim open his mouth to protest, and shook his head again. "You have no way of knowing that I got grabbed because of my association with you, Jim. These women are off the deep end, man. Like, not firing on all cylinders, you know?" The younger man shrugged carefully. "We never did figure out what they were using as a basis for selection, Jim. I could have been chosen as much for my long hair as for the fact that I'm your partner. I think," he paused, choosing his words carefully, "I think that they hadn't been having real good luck with the random pairs they were choosing, and wanted to try a, uh, couple who already knew each other...was comfortable with each other."
Jim shrugged himself. "Maybe. We don't know that."
"We don't know that that isn't the motivation, either. Chardis has made a few comments that make me think that's the case." Blair shivered as the cool air in their room assaulted him. "Anyway, it doesn't really matter now, does it? Come over here?" He patted the bed next to him, tried to smile.
Ellison shook his head, his lips tight, nearly white from being so tightly compressed together.
Blair shifted a little closer to Jim. "C'mon, man. Come lay down over here, okay? I still need some extra body heat."
"How can you ask me?" Jim demanded. "It should sicken you to be near me; not asking me to come hold you."
"Why?"
"Why?" Jim repeated, incredulously. "Jesus Fucking Christ, Sandburg! Because I raped you, not more than an hour ago! That's why!"
"No, Jim. You didn't rape me. I gave you the go ahead. You weren't going to be in control for very long, I could see that. You were barely in control as it was. I didn't see any other way to deal with it, because, in the end, you might have raped me if you had to wait too long. But Jim," Blair moved so that he could see into Jim's eyes. They were shining with unshed tears. "Man, I offered it to you like that, okay? Those bitches that call themselves women wanted it rough and violent; we gave it to them. Maybe they'll leave us alone now, for a bit, anyway." Blair drew back toward the blankets. "Come on, big guy."
Jim sat there for a minute longer, then moved to join Blair under the blankets, huddling close to his friend, trying to help him warm up.
Jim was quiet for a long time, and Blair had begun to think he was asleep when a long, warm fingers started combing through his hair. He made a quiet murmur of appreciation and settled more comfortably against the larger frame. Jim's voice was like warm honey moving over him when it rumbled in his ear.
"I've got something weird going on with my senses, Chief."
He let his eyelids flutter back open and rolled his head a little to better see the other man. "I wouldn't doubt it, with all the shit that's been pumped into you," he offered cautiously. Jim shook his head.
"I can hear--the earth rumbling. Feel it shaking." He paused, then added, "Core temperature's up, too, I think. The water is warmer today than it was yesterday. And there's a strange smell hanging in the air. Almost like sulfur."
Blair sniffed, throwing Jim an unreadable look. "You know I don't normally question anything related to your senses, man, but are you sure--"
"Look, Sandburg. The shit they've been giving me has me pretty fucked up, yeah, but not that bad. I'm not hallucinating smells or sounds." You weren't so sure last night, his brain laughed gleefully.
"Okay," the younger man shifted into guide mode. "What do you think is going on?"
"I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't bring it up, would I?"
"Hey, man, chill. I'm not the enemy here, remember?" The grad student shivered and moved a little closer, shifting to spoon against his friend.
Jim flushed a dull red that he was thankful Blair couldn't see. "Sorry, Chief. I'm just--this is frustrating the hell out of me." He heard a low-pitched growl and wasn't at all surprised to see the panther moving around the small room. He and his spirit guide were getting awfully cozy these days.
"Okay, so you're hearing shit, and smelling and feeling...you said earth rumbling, right? Core temp up, stuff like that?"
"Yeah." Jim shrugged. "Almost sounds like seismic activity, doesn't it?"
Blair nodded warily. "I'm thinking so, yeah. Isn't there a fault line in the Cascades?"
The detective pursed his lips thoughtfully. "It's been a long time since I had any geography, but I think so, yeah."
"Well that really sucks, man." Blair closed his eyes, contemplating an earthquake or volcanic eruption while they were dealing with the high priestess from hell. "Fuck, could this get any worse?"
Jim smiled, reluctantly. "Never ask that, Chief," he rumbled in the younger man's ear. "You usually don't want the answer."
"Yeah, yeah." Blair snuggled sleepily into the arms that were folded around him. He felt safe here. Safe, warm, loved. He was only mildly surprised to find that the last word in there didn't faze him like it did a week or so ago.
"You should try to sleep. Let your body work at healing itself." Jim couldn't have stopped his arms from holding Blair if he'd cut them off. It seemed his body felt that Blair Sandburg fit there perfectly, naturally, and that was all that mattered. His fingers itched to pet the younger man, to pepper the smaller, sturdy body with caresses that would wipe away any memory of the time spent here. I wish there was some way to ensure that he wouldn't remember this at all...that I could erase his thoughts of all this ugliness. That would also erase his memory of the little bit of time Jim had gotten to spend loving Blair. I want him to remember that I care about him. His heart ached at the thought of Blair not remembering their time together, especially last night. His brain shot back, better to not remember you then to hate you or feel sorry for you for the rest of your time together. Which would be how long, exactly? How long after this would it be until Blair conveniently got transferred to another university, or called out on an expedition, or something else that would take him away from Jim?
Stop that, he chastised himself sternly. Sandburg wasn't going anywhere. At least not for as long as he thought Jim needed help with the sentinel issues.
"I'm sleepy, but not ready to sleep, I don't think." Blair paused, considering. He'd been wondering for over a week now; surely after all that had happened between them Jim would tell him what he wanted to know about his mysterious "experience". "Um...can I ask you something?"
Jim's radar went on alert. "I guess," he offered cautiously. "What d'you want to know?"
"Well...actually, I'd like to know about...you. What you meant when you said, y'know, that you swing both ways, and have for a while." The grad student was suddenly very glad that his back was to Jim; this way his friend couldn't see the blush covering his cheeks. What am I doing, asking him this? This is way personal--he doesn't owe me that information, nor do I have any right to it.
"You sure this is something you want to know?" Ellison questioned, his voice very neutral.
"Well, yeah, man. That's not something you can just toss at me and expect me to not be a little curious about. Especially since you look like Mr. Alpha Macho Male." Blair tried for light and casual, then winced when he realized that wasn't really the way to go. "I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to sound--"
"It's okay, Chief." The voice was deep and quiet in his ear, but there was no trace of unwillingness to talk; only some sadness and wistfulness, perhaps a shred of resignation.
"You don't have to say anything, man. Forget I asked."
"No, I suppose I do sort of owe you an explanation after the comments I made that day, huh."
"You don't owe me anything, Jim. Not a thing." I'm dying to know, man, but there's no way I'm going to pressure you into telling me anything you're not comfortable with.
"I guess its not really a big deal, Chief, I just got used to not saying much to many people; you can't always tell beforehand who's going to react in what way to the news that their partner or friend is bisexual."
"Yeah, I know." Blair was reluctant to say much; he didn't get Jim to open up like this very often.
"I've just pretty much always known I liked guys as well as women. I knew that as far back, I guess, as grade school--y'know, when you first start looking at girls. Well, I checked out the guys, too. I also knew it wasn't something to discuss with anyone else, 'cause at that time my dad was pretty vocal about 'fags' and 'queers', and I didn't want to open myself up to that.
"I got the opportunity to do some experimenting with a guy in one of my classes in junior high. We figured out we were mutually attracted to each other after some awkward stop and start shit, but for me it was a given; I popped a boner every time I was around him." There was a smile in Jim's voice, Blair was sure of it. He smiled too, remembering himself at thirteen, walking around with his books piled high and carried low.
"I still wasn't sure if it meant I was gay, or bisexual, or just being creative, until after I got out of school and into college. I figured out pretty quick that I swung both ways; there was no lack of opportunities for either sex, and a lot of people found me, uh, attractive. I fielded a lot of offers, chose carefully, and had a good time. The army was a lot quieter; I dated a lot of women, and was very careful about the men I saw." Jim was quiet then for a moment, then the warm voice continued, "It also taught me that life is too short to get hung up on the gender of a person; if you like that person and it's right for both of you, then you should go for you. I did a lot of soul searching for a while, because I was convinced there was something wrong with me, I mean, why should I like guys, when there were so many attractive, interesting women available. Once I got past dealing with that, things were pretty good."
"Do you like one better than the other?" Blair nearly held his breath waiting for Jim to answer the question; he preferred not to examine too closely why he'd asked it.
"I guess...it would depend on what was or is, going on in my life at the time. I went through a period for a long time where I didn't turn on to guys at all. That was when I married Carolyn. It just seemed easier; not as many potential headaches or questions. I mean, once in a while I'd see a guy I was attracted to, but not many."
"What about now?" He was holding his breath this time, the tightness in his lungs nearly choked him.
Jim tightened his arms around the smaller man he was holding. "What's with the line of questioning, Chief?" he asked softly, right in Sandburg's ear. "You got something to say, say it."
Blair shook his head, and swallowed, his throat tight. "I don't know, man. But I'm starting to think..."
"Think what?" Jim prompted, when his partner had been quiet for a minute or two.
Blair laughed nervously. "That it feels very right to be here...in your arms. Natural, like it was meant to be." He sighed and closed his eyes. "When I've got your arms around me, I feel like nothing in the world can hurt me. Like I'm invincible, or something." He opened his eyes back up, shifting in the older man's arms to look into Jim's eyes. "Weird, huh?"
Jim didn't say anything, simply closed the small distance between them and covered Blair's mouth with his own. The kiss was sweet and gentle, and startling for its intensity. When they parted they lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, staring at one another. A thousand words were telegraphed silently between them, then Blair sighed and leaned in toward Jim, mouth opening for him, tongue inviting. Jim accepted the gift, and returned it in measure. He wrapped his arms tightly around Blair, and rolled, pulling the younger man on top of him. Blair framed Jim's face with his hands and deepened the kiss, pressing himself full length against Jim. He broke the kiss then to nuzzle the corded muscle of Jim's neck, stroking his cheek, feeling the whiskers that had begun to grow since they'd last shaved. The older man sighed and tightened his embrace.
"Jim," Blair whispered, not wanting to speak aloud for fear of ruining the moment.
"Yeah, Chief?" Jim started stroking Blair's hair, running his fingers through it.
"What are we doing?"
"What do you mean?"
Blair closed his eyes to let the sensation of Jim's fingers in his hair wash over him. He pulled in a breath and opened his eyes to look at Jim. "What is all this, Jim? What are we doing?"
"We're comforting each other. Taking the best of a bad situation and trying to find some good in it."
"There's more to it than that." The normally vibrant voice was subdued some, rich tones husked with emotion.
"What do you think we're doing?" Jim watched his partner's expressive face; it was a marvel to try and interpret all the expressions that flittered across.
Blair drew in a deep breath and raised his eyes to meet Jim's. "I can't speak for how you feel, man," he began softly, "but I think I'm falling in love with you."
Jim's heart thudded to a stop for a moment, then began hammering against his chest. A warm glow spread through his stomach, warming him clear through. He stroked Blair's face with a fingertip, gently brushing some curls out of his guide's face. "I'm already there, Chief," he said, voice catching in his throat with the realization of how much he did love this man.
"Really?" Blair asked, kissing the finger that was stroking his lips. "When did that happen?"
Jim shrugged. "I don't know. For a while, I think. I've just not said anything, because I didn't want to freak you out. It's hard enough to walk the fence without fucking up friendships because of it; I didn't want to do or say something that would make you uncomfortable."
Blair lowered his head and nuzzled the soft skin just below Jim's jaw, tasting the scratchiness of unshaven whiskers against his tongue when he licked gently. "I've been...having thoughts...about you for a while," he said quietly, his mouth pressed to the warm skin, lips moving slowly over it. "I didn't want to say anything for pretty much the same reasons...and I'm like totally clueless at reading some of the signs, I guess."
"I don't imagine there were many, Chief--I've learned over the years. Some lessons were too important not to memorize. Survival and self-defense are always core issues; when dealing with a sexual preference that the majority thinks goes against the norm, well, those issues become front and center. I generally wait until I've read someone else's signals before sending any of my own."
A soft chuckle and a sigh greeted him, and Jim found himself smiling, not even sure why. "What?"
"Here I was so concerned that I might say or do something that would make you think I was interested...and if I had I could have saved both of us a lot of time and trouble."
"Don't beat yourself up over it, Sandburg. If I'd been paying attention, I probably would have seen any signals you might have thrown out. I was just so convinced that it was something in my head that never could be--I mean, I never so much as smelled another guy on you, so why would I have reason to think you'd be interested, right?"
Blair's eyes shone as he gazed down into Jim's. "Interested," he whispered, lowering his mouth once more to brush his partner's. "Definitely interested, big guy."
Then the moment for words was past and their mouths were moving against each other's, tasting, exploring, learning, devouring with a quiet intensity that told of passions and feelings far more eloquently than an exchange of words might.
"Mmmm..." Blair purred against Jim's mouth several long minutes later, when they broke apart. "I wonder if kissing is a marketable talent; man you've got it in spades."
"Thanks, I think." Jim grinned at the still-dazed expression on his lover's--could he call him this?--face. "You're not so bad yourself, y'know." He traced a finger over and over around slightly kiss-swollen lips, felt himself slowly drifting, getting lost in the heat and moisture and texture he found there.
Blair's voice called him back from that safe place a minute or so later, and he blinked owlishly, trying to remember what happened. What had trigged this one?
"Me." The voice was quiet, concerned. Jim looked up into scared blue eyes and found his stomach tightening. "Jim...man, you zoned on me. What's up with that? With you? What were you doing?"
"Thinking. About you." Jim smiled gently at the expression on Blair's face, trying to alleviate the fear he saw there, as well as his own guilt at causing it. "You've pretty much been the only thing on my mind lately, not counting...this," Jim waved his hand around them. He turned back to Blair, looking down at his guide with undisguised tenderness lighting his eyes. Blair's eye