I'll Leave This World (Lovin' You)

By Mickey M.
© July 1997

The room was cool, and dark. Quiet. The only sounds were the whisper of machinery, and the laboring, faltering breaths from the man in the bed. 

He'd sat watch for three days now, certain that the end was near...and wanting--needing--to be there for it. 

The doctors assured him there was nothing more they could do. His partner had contracted a strain of Hepatitis so virulent, so rare, that there was no known cure for it.

There were no tears--he'd cried them all when he got the call, on the drive down to Los Angeles, and in the hotel that first night. After that night he'd persuaded the doctors to let him remain in the room. Maybe it was the icy stare he'd aimed at them...or perhaps they saw into his heart, saw that this man meant more to him then any other ever had or would.

*****************************************

Walk away, leave with my blessing
Once in awhile let me hear from you
If we never meet again before my life is over
I'll leave this world loving you

The song moved through his mind--a country western song, of all things--as familiar now as it'd been the day he'd heard it. It was the song he'd played for Blair the night before this nightmare began, when they were saying their goodbyes. 

It'd been so hard to let him go...every fiber ached with wanting to hold him tight, make him stay. But his Guide was also an anthropologist, and that particular profession required field work.

'I'll be back,' Blair had said to him.

'I hope so. I can't imagine life without you, Chief,' he'd replied.

'I will. I have to. You're the other half of me, Jim.'

//Then why are you leaving me,// he'd wanted to scream. He hadn't though; instead he'd played the song for his lover, letting him see that he was going to try and accept this. 

*****************************************

You can take everything but my memories
For they're good ones and they'll see me through
If we never meet again I'll love you forever
I'll leave this world loving you

Memories were what he was living on now. Nothing else mattered any longer, just the pictures in his head. If he concentrated long enough, hard enough, he could imagine every instance that Blair had imprinted himself on him. //Like little birds,// he remembered Blair saying one day. //We were everything to one another at the beginning of the whole sentinel project; we imprinted on each other early on...there is nothing--no one-- else for either of us.//

It was as good as any other explanation for the emotions that washed over them, leaving them helpless in their wake. 

His fingers curled around the slack hand lying palm up on the bed sheet. He'd had the respirator removed yesterday, when he'd finally accepted that Blair would not make it. They'd done living wills years ago--but the hardest thing he'd ever done was carrying through with it.

'If anything ever happens to me, don't let me rot in a hospital, Jim. Promise me.'

'Do you know what you're asking of me?'

'I'm asking that you respect my desire--my need--for freedom. Don't chain my soul to a dying body.'

'Blair...'

'Please, Jim. It's important to me. I'd do the same for you.'

'I promise...'

The memories were all he had...and yet some of them were too painful to be borne, and too insistent to be ignored or pushed away. He could close his eyes and see Blair lecturing at a podium; running to grab him and throw him to the ground before a speeding dump truck could kill him; naked, lounging on their bed, teasing him; face contorted in pleasure as he loved him; glasses on and hair tied back, reading over notes in his journals.

A hundred other ways, in a hundred other moments. A hundred times a hundred. Perhaps in the thousands. More Blair, leaning over him to kiss him; teasing him at the dinner table; pushing him to learn control of that hideous, wondrous gift that he hadn't asked for, didn't want...and wouldn't have had Blair without.

Ghosts came and went, flying around him, teasing at him with phantom images. Surely the pain that went with them was phantom as well, and he wasn't really experiencing it?

No, it was real. As real as the tears that were falling again, when he'd thought they were all gone. 

******************************************

You were mine for a time and I'm thankful
Oh, but life will be so lonesome without you
If we never meet again this side of heaven
I'll leave this world loving you

//I hope there was never a day that I didn't remember to tell you what you mean to me. I don't always have the words--they don't come easily to me, like they do to you...but you've always known what was in my heart.//

He curled that hand within his own, remembering all the things they'd been to each other, how they'd belonged to each other. No one else had understood, although Simon had tried. Blair had said once, trying to explain it, that it was as though the same genetic patterns that determined he would be a Sentinel, also determined a Guide for that Sentinel. He and Blair were destined, fated, genetically predisposed to be together.

//I never wanted life without you, once I found you. I don't know if I'm strong enough for life without you; you've been my anchor for so long.//

The first night they'd made love was shortly after Blair moved in with him...shortly after they'd realized that the connection between them went far deeper then just a Sentinel and a Guide. Or perhaps that was as deep as the connection could go...and they hadn't realized what it meant yet. 

'You're mine,' he'd told his new lover, marking him with bites and kisses. 

'You're mine as well,' he'd been told. 'We belong together, Jim. This is right, it's meant to be.'

'I can't imagine loving anyone else like I love you.'

'I've never loved anyone like I love you.'

Simple words, yet meaning such complex things. Things they couldn't have imagined, or known.

Now they knew. Now he knew. There was a hole in his chest, where his heart had been removed, taking part of his soul along with it. Part of him was dying with Blair, as surely as if he were lying in that bed too.

*****************************************

If we never meet again this side of heaven
I'll leave this world loving you

Blair's breathing faltered, actually stopped for a moment.

He forced himself to remain calm, and the breaths started back up again. The fingers curled inside his twitched, and he raised his eyes to see smokey-blue pupils staring at him.

"I needed to...say goodbye."

"I won't see you again, will I?"

Blair shook his head. "Not here. I'm sorry...I never meant...for this to happen."

"To love me, or to die?"

"Either...though I wouldn't have missed...loving you...for anything."

"I can't make it without you."

"You...have to. I...can't stay."

"Can't you try?"

Another shake of his head. "It's not...up to...me. I'd stay...otherwise."

"Will you wait for me? Watch for me?"

"Yes. Don't be...in a hurry...to join me..."

"I'd like to go now, but I'm afraid. Afraid to go, afraid to stay."

"Don't...be. Either. I'll...be...there...for you...when the...time...comes."

He watched his lover's eyes close, and felt panic claw its way up his throat. The eyes opened once more, and control was regained, if marginally.

"I...have to...go now. Kiss me?"

"For as long as you want me to," he replied, leaning in to press his mouth against one that was far too cool. 

"I...love you...Jim. Don't...forget me. I'll...be there...for you. Just say...my name."

"I love you, Blair. I'd never forget you...and I'll call your name often. Oh, please, don't go..."

The eyes closed anyway, and the breaths grew fainter and fewer. He sat with both hands clasped over Blair's, willing him to fight; knowing it was useless.

A final, faint squeeze, then nothing.

He waited, sure there would be more; heartsick when there wasn't.

//Goodbye, my love. You left loving me...as I'm left loving you. Think of me there, and wait for me. I'll join you...//

An eerie stillness descended over the room then, broken only by the quiet sound of sobbing.

~finis~

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