Just When I Needed You
By Mickey M.
© February 1997
Then...
He gritted his teeth as the first refrain from the radio reached his ears. God, he didn't need to hear this song now...
"You packed in the morning and I
Stared out the window and I
struggled for something to say.
You left in the rain
Without closing the door
I didn't stand in your way.
Now I miss you more than I
Missed you before and ah
Where I'll find comfort
God knows
Cause you left me
Just when I needed you most
Left me...
Just when I needed you most
Now most every morning I
Stare out the window and I
Think about where you might be
I've written you letters
That I'd like to send
If you would just send one to me"
They had dissolved their partnership--and for all purposes their friendship as well--yesterday. Research was done, paper was written, no more to be said. Things were too uncomfortable between them now to stay together. Too much had been said that wasn't reciprocated that it was an impossible situation.
He looked out the window once more, realizing he could no longer see the figure he'd been watching for, and felt a sudden wrenching sensation as his heart and brain suddenly processed in sync the fact that he'd just lost the one person who could've been his salvation.
He was an idiot. A total, complete fool. If only he could call him back, apologize for everything--for hurting the one closest to his heart--he would. But it was too late now. He looked out the window once more, hoping against hope he'd been wrong, and could still see him...and felt the tears running unchecked down his face.
*****************************************************************
Now...
Blair stood outside the building, leaning against his jeep, staring up at the where he knew the loft was. Did Jim still live here? Probably--Jim Ellison was a creature of habit. Blair's mouth twisted into a bittersweet smile. At least he used to be. It had been a long time.
He'd driven around Cascade for hours before summoning the courage to come over here. Why was he here? What purpose would this serve, to call up old ghosts and demons? The ache in his heart had finally dulled over the years to a slight pain that flared up only occasionally, just to remind him it was still there.
Honesty--to himself, anyway--demanded that he admit why he was here. It was the same reason that the pain was worse at this particular time of the year than at any other--today was Jim's birthday. It was also the anniversary of the decline of their relationship, both personal and working.
He'd heard through the grapevine, which had had to reach further and further lately to find him, that Jim and Lisa had split a year or so ago, and Jim was taking it pretty hard. A slight sneer twisted Blair's lips this time. Lisa Windham had been a predator waiting for her prey to weaken. It had only been a few months after Blair had left before he heard about her and Jim dating exclusively; less than a year after that before he'd heard about their marriage.
Was that why he was here? In addition to the other? The Guide reaching out to his Sentinel in an effort to comfort, protect? It had been years--almost six of them--since he'd done that. It'd been even longer since he'd been allowed to try...
****************************************
Flashback...
He thought he'd read the signs right. He and Jim had grown so close--they had more or less moved beyond the traditional friend/partner/roommate roles...whatever they were to each other was undefined but all-reaching. Intimate, in some ways. With very few exceptions all aspects of their lives were shared. It seemed a natural step to go one further, and make it a different intimacy. Natural to him perhaps, but not to Jim, apparently.
It was Jim's birthday, the second one they were sharing together. Blair and Simon took Jim out for dinner, then for a couple of drinks. Simon left shortly after giving Jim a couple of days off--his 'birthday present' to the younger man. Jim and Blair had gone back to the loft, spirits high, trying to decide what to do with Jim's time off. Camping? Fishing? Hiking? Possibilities were limitless.
They settled on the couch for further discussion, and...What? Blair still wasn't certain, even after all this time, what had happened. The air suddenly seemed charged with electrical currents--heat seemed to flair between the two of them. Blair had reached out to Jim, stroked his face, his hair. Pressed his lips to Jim's. Jim hadn't pulled away; rather, he returned the caresses. Blair leaned forward and kissed him again, felt Jim's lips soften under his, felt their tongues touch. He pulled back then, and saw the emotions beginning to storm across Jim's face.
The first one was anger, followed by denial...followed by sadness. Through it all, love shone as an undercurrent. Jim pulled as far back into the corner of the couch as he could get, then got off the couch altogether. "I can't, Blair. I can't love you like that."
"Like what, Jim?" Blair ached to go to him, to try to soothe his soul--but knew he'd be rejected.
"Like you want. I love you, Blair--but I can't take it any further than where we are now."
"You can risk your heart, but not your body?" Blair could hear the bitterness in his own voice.
"It's not a matter of risking anything. I've loved you for a long time. It's just a different love than you feel, I think."
"How do you know what I feel?"
"You're the one who kissed me."
"I didn't see you pulling away."
Jim had sighed then, and began pacing. "I wanted to see...I thought maybe I could... but I can't. I'm sorry."
"Is it because I'm a guy?"
"I don't know. I want to say no, but I don't know for sure. I'm sorry...Chief."
The nickname, which had become almost an endearment, hung between them in the stifling atmosphere. That was the last time Jim called him that again.
Blair got off the couch and headed for his room. At the door he stopped and turned to face Jim, caught his eyes and held them. "I love you, Jim. I'll always love you, regardless of what happens between us."
The tension had mounted after that, until it became a festering, open wound. Neither one could talk about it, but they couldn't leave it alone, either. Blair became uncomfortable being around Jim--it hurt too much: both to see Jim hurting too, and to love someone who didn't--or couldn't--return that feeling.
It was with no small amount of relief that Blair wrapped up his dissertation shortly after that. He'd promised to keep Jim's identity as anonymous as possible, and with the help of another grad student who worked in communications, had managed. They'd dubbed over face/vocal spots on video tapes and cassette recordings, and Blair had expunged his paperwork of any mention beyond a pseudonym he and Jim had selected. As soon as the dissertation had been turned in and reviewed, Blair had packed his stuff. He was going to stay with another friend who'd recently lost his roommate, and needed someone to help with the expenses.
Jim hadn't said anything--just stood staring out the windows as he'd packed. Blair had loaded everything into his car, then returned to the loft to give Jim the key, and get his backpack. Jim turned away from the windows, walked toward Blair. "Do you--" His voice caught, and he closed his mouth.
Blair closed the distance between them, and reached out to place the key in Jim's hand, closing his fingers over it. He gave Jim a questioning glance, then drew his unresisting former partner's head down toward his, and brushed a light kiss across his lips. "You take care of yourself, Jim."
"Blair..." There was a hint of a sob in Jim's voice--pain that couldn't be borne.
Blair pressed a finger to Jim's mouth. "Shh. I have to go--you know that. I can't stay here, with us hurting like we are. I love you, Jim. I always will. I hope you find someone who loves you, that you can love. Be happy, man." Blair kissed Jim once more, grabbed his backpack, and walked out of the loft, never looking back.
****************************************
Present
Blair sighed and shifted his focus back to the present. That had been six years ago, almost. It'd been a long six years. He'd gotten his doctorate, and left for the University of Florida to take a teaching position that had opened up. Florida was good-- as far away from his memories of Jim Ellison as he could get, without leaving the country.
He sighed. And now, here he was again. What sort of masochistic imps of fate were chortling with glee at the thought of Blair being back in Cascade after so long? A teaching position had opened up here--one that would be a move upward. He'd been stagnated in Florida for a while now, and had been looking for other openings. Because of the location for this one, he'd almost not applied...then decided that was really dumb. Cascade was a big city. He and Jim would probably never have to see each other. Yeah, right.
Blair glanced around. He was still standing on the sidewalk, leaning against the jeep. //Go up, or go home.// Home. He had no home in this city right now, and this had been home for over two years. His brain had gone into autopilot from the University. Even after all this time...
He remained where he was, staring up at the windows, blinded by the tears that suddenly appeared in his eyes. He'd missed Jim so badly for so long, that--like the feelings of love he still carried--it was a just a dull, constant ache that accompanied him everywhere. Could he go up there? See Jim, talk to him, offer comfort? Could he do that when what he still wanted was love--the kind of love Jim hadn't been able to give before? Blair pushed off the side of the jeep, and squared his shoulders. He took a deep breath, and headed for the door of the building.
****************************************************************
There was a knock at the door, and Jim cursed. He'd just gotten settled and comfortable again on the couch after talking to Simon on the phone. It was his birthday, for God's sake. Couldn't people leave him alone, let him wallow in self-pity and misery by himself for just this one day? Was that asking too much? He got off the couch, and headed for the door as the person knocked again.
He yanked it open, a snarling comment dying on his lips as he stared in surprise at the person in front of him. The last person in the world he'd ever thought he'd see again... "Blair!"
Blair smiled, that beautiful blinding smile he'd always had. "Hiya, Jim. I was in the neighborhood, and--"
"Come on in." Jim stepped aside, and gestured Blair through the door.
"Thanks, man." Blair walked in, and nearly stopped in his tracks. The place was a mess! The kind of mess that had always had Jim on his ass, nattering on about 'house rules'. What had happened to the neat-freak? Jim--the Jim *he'd* known, anyway--had been compulsive to the point of anality about neatness.
"Can I get you anything to drink? Eat?" Jim stood next to him, watching his reaction to the place.
Blair looked up. "Uh, yeah--a beer'd be good, if you've got one."
"Sure. Have a seat." Jim headed into the kitchen, and Blair heard him rustling around in there. "What brings you back to Cascade? I was under the impression you'd gone?"
"Oh, yeah--I've been in Florida. Thanks, man." Blair took the beer that Jim returned with, and turned to face his former partner when Jim sat at the other end of the couch. "I just took a position over at Rainier--teaching, of course. I wasn't going anywhere at U of F, decided to see what else was out there. Weird that I'm back here, though." Blair took a drink from the bottle, and took a deep breath. "I wanted to wish you happy birthday, and offer my...condolences."
"For what?" Jim seemed almost surprised.
"You and Lisa..." Blair broke off as Jim's face tightened.
"For that you should offer congratulations, not condolences."
"Oh? I was under the impression you were taking it hard."
"According to who?" Jim appeared confused.
"Oh, I've kept in touch with a couple of people--we don't talk often, but every once in a while I hear things." Blair took another drink and regarded Jim steadily. "You okay?"
Jim returned the gaze. "Why do you ask?"
"Just wondered. I guess Guide mode is hard to kick..." Blair could've kicked himself then, for that comment. Jim's eyes shifted away from Blair's.
"Yeah. I guess."
An awkward silence stretched out, and Blair found himself wondering what he could say that would make things right between them. He smiled sadly to himself. Nothing. Anything that was going to have been said or done, should've been long ago. He looked up at Jim. "I should probably go. I need to find a hotel or something for the night."
"You just got in?"
Blair shrugged. "Sort of. I got into the city about 10:00am, then just drove around. I really missed the Pacific Northwest. Florida's nice, but it gets too crowded--you know, all those tourists." He smiled at Jim then, a friendly little 'you-know-me' smile. "I liked the heat though--it's definitely a good place to be if you like hot. That's the only bad thing about being here again--I'll probably never be warm enough, six months out of the year."
Jim felt his heart turn over at that smile. He'd missed Blair. Missed him badly. There had been days--weeks for some stretches--that he thought he'd lose his mind from the pain after losing him. He found himself saying, "You can stay here until you get settled."
"What?" It was hard to say who looked more surprised, Jim for saying it, or Blair for hearing it. "Are you serious? You don't have to do that, man. The U will cover my expenses."
"Nah, it's okay. Saves you the trouble. Anyway, there's some kind of anti-drug enforcement convention in town. I doubt you'd get a hotel right now."
"Oh. Okay--thanks, Jim." Blair's eyes darted toward his old room. Jim saw him look, and frowned slightly.
"You'll have to sleep on the couch--I've been using that for storage for the last couple of years. I doubt you could set foot in there, much less find a place to sleep."
"Couch is fine. Can I put my jeep in the garage?"
"Jeep?" Jim grinned at him. "Corvair die finally?"
Blair affected a mock mourning pose. "A sad, lingering death. I finally gave up and had it put out of its--and my--misery."
"Yeah, go ahead." Jim looked at the clock. "You hungry? We could go get something to eat. I haven't gotten groceries lately, or we'd eat here..."
"No, that's fine. Let me treat though--since I have this expense account..." Blair smiled, and was happy to see Jim return the smile.
"Deal. I'll get my coat, and we can go." Jim stood up, and Blair stood too. He didn't even have a chance to prepare for the pleasant shock of Jim grabbing him and giving him a hug. "It's good to see you again...Chief."
The impact of those words hit Blair like a fist, and he nearly gasped out loud. "Thanks, Jim. It's good to see you again." He returned the embrace, then moved away quickly. The ache in his heart that had been manageable before now felt like an open, raw wound. Would it ever close, this time?
They had dinner at a Thai restaurant they'd frequented as friends. Blair had driven them, arguing that his car was already out, and then they'd just need to juggle one vehicle on the way back. Jim had smiled and acquiesced, feeling himself slipping backward in time. It had always been easy for him to give in to Blair...except the one time it had mattered the most.
They talked all through dinner, catching up on each other's lives. Blair told Jim stories about his students in Florida, and some of the field stuff he'd done in the last six years. Jim told Blair about the changes in the department--the biggest of which had been when Simon left two years ago, to become part of the Washington State Task Force Against Crime.
"How come you didn't apply for his position?" Blair asked. They were walking down around the harbor now, just wandering and talking.
"It wasn't even an option, Chief. I've been walking around with a chip on my shoulder for years. 'Good work, poor attitude' is what every single eval I've had has said."
"Since when?" Blair asked, indignant.
//Since you left--since I let you go.// "I don't know. Forever, it seems like." He didn't say anything further, his silence letting Blair know that wasn't a topic to pursue.
Blair shivered then in the cool early spring air. March was always cold and damp here--what had he been thinking? Jim noticed, and suggested they return to the loft. They headed back toward the jeep in silence.
****************************************
"Are you sure that's all you need to bring up?" Jim looked at the one suitcase and backpack, and frowned.
"Yeah--the rest of my stuff is in storage, just waiting for me to find a place."
"You have a lot of stuff?" Jim was curious--it was hard to picture Blair moving furniture, and things like that.
"Not a lot, but enough. More than would have fit in the jeep, anyway." Blair grinned. They headed upstairs. At the door Blair turned toward Jim. "You're sure about this? I really can find a hotel, I'm sure."
"I'm sure, Blair. It'll be nice to catch up--it's been a while." Jim felt his heart clench with that statement. //Your own fault. You drove him away.//
"Yeah, it will." //It'll probably kill me, but I'll smile, and pretend I can be your friend. I will *be* your friend...//
They got Blair's stuff settled into the one tiny vacant corner of the 'junk room', and Jim made coffee. Blair couldn't help the feeling of deja vu that flowed over him as he sat on the couch in Jim's living room, drinking coffee...drinking in the vision of Jim right in front of him. He wanted so badly to reach out, take him in his arms...kiss him, caress him, love him. He realized that Jim had asked him a question, and looked up with an apologetic look on his face.
"Sorry, man. I was spacing for a minute. What'd you say?"
Jim smiled. "I thought I was the only one who zoned out. I asked if you had ever gotten married, or whatever." The smile wavered slightly, but stayed in place.
Blair pursed his lips thoughtfully. Should he tell him the truth? He might be looking for a hotel room yet. Might as well get it over with... He glanced at Jim, regarded him steadily. "No...I never looked. I still love the same person I couldn't have before. I told you then--that's never going to change. There's no one else, and never will be, for me."
"Oh." Jim's smile failed altogether. He stood up then, trying to seem casual. "Well, I guess I'm gonna get to bed now. We should get up early--start looking for a place for you, huh?"
Blair smiled sadly at him. "Yeah, probably should. Thanks again, Jim."
"It's no problem, Chief." Jim looked at him a minute longer, searching his face, then left the room to go upstairs.
Blair watched him go. //Well, at least I get to sleep here tonight. Obviously he wants me gone quickly though. I was a fool to come here like this...What was I hoping to accomplish?// He shook his head, and headed for the bathroom to get ready for bed.
*****************************************
Jim lay in bed, hands clasped behind his head, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. He could hear Blair's heartbeat, respiration, and the sounds of him moving restlessly, and knew he wasn't asleep either. They'd turned all the lights out hours ago, and according to the clock it was after midnight now. God, things were so skewed between them. No wonder Blair had left that day. The tension was palpable--he could almost reach out and touch it.
It was his fault, too. Blair had been honest with him--did he have the courage to be honest in return? He'd had six years to think about it, although he'd known the day Blair had left how he felt. He'd just been so scared to admit it--that was like knocking down a wall. Love another man? No way. Never mind that he'd loved Blair for a long time, the lines between them blurring nearly to obscurity. The only thing missing then had been a declaration on his part, and physical intimacy between them--and even that was questionable, sometimes. They'd both been touchy-feely from the start, and even though neither had crossed any boundaries, there were definite undercurrents between them. He sighed. Nothing he'd done in the last six years had managed to quell the ache in his heart; then, the minute he saw Blair standing in his door he felt like everything was right in the universe again.
Jim sighed, and shifted in bed. He loved Blair. Blair was a man. Could he reconcile the two? Did he even have to try? Would Blair accept that a person could change, and accept *him*? That Blair still loved him was obvious--he'd known from the minute Blair walked into the loft. He'd merely been confirming when he'd asked if Blair was serious with anyone. He sighed again. It was time to face his past, and see if he could salvage anything from it. Jim shoved the covers off his legs, and got out of bed.
*****************************************
Blair shifted restlessly on the couch. It wasn't that it was uncomfortable...just that he was. What had been going through his mind, when he decided it was a good idea to come here? Obviously the most stupid thing he'd even done in his life, except maybe for the one that took the prize--letting Jim know in the first place how he felt about him. He sighed, and rolled over again.
"Can't sleep?" A soft voice from the direction of the stairs.
Blair sat up, pulling the blankets up with him. "No. You either, huh?"
"No." Jim walked around to the front of the couch. "Mind if I join you?"
"Go ahead." Blair shifted his legs, making room.
Jim sat down. "You asked me earlier about my marriage to Lisa. You know, it was doomed from the beginning. I married her, hoping she'd be the right one..." Jim sighed. "It was over even before it had a chance to start. I'd given my heart away before I ever dated her... Getting married was a big mistake, for both of us."
Blair sat silently, listening to him. What was Jim saying? He opened his mouth to ask, but Jim continued before he had the chance. "I was so stupid, Chief. I couldn't see what I had, what was right there in front of my face. You were right, you know. It was because you're a man. I just couldn't reconcile myself to loving a man. It went against everything I'd been raised to believe in."
"And now?" Blair could hardly get the words out.
"I've been unable to reconcile life without you, Blair. I've been angry at me, at the world, since that day you left. My evals at work? The only thing that kept me reasonably sane was going to work every day--but I had trouble doing that too, since every time I turned around something reminded me of you. So I took it out on everyone. I started dating Lisa to keep my feelings for you at bay--I couldn't stand the pain, knowing I'd driven you off. Lisa married me thinking she could 'fix' me--she even used those words once. The only fixing I needed was to have to have you back in my life." Jim bowed his head, unable to meet Blair's eyes.
Blair sat there, stunned, unable to process everything that he was hearing. "Why didn't you ever try to get in touch with me?"
"How would I have? I had no idea where you were...what you were doing."
"Yeah...I did try to make myself pretty scarce. It just hurt too much to be around...to remind myself of you." Blair held Jim's eyes with his. "You're not doing this out of pity, are you? I couldn't stand it if you were messing with me, man."
"Blair, I've spent the last six years of my life regretting letting you go. I watched you walk away from here that morning, and thought I'd be better off if I just died then."
"But you didn't come after me."
"Would you have believed me, if I had?" Jim had his fists clenched together.
Blair closed his eyes, and replied softly, "No. Probably not." A shudder tore through him, a reaction to the intensity of the feelings going through him. He opened his eyes then. "But I do now. If you're telling me the truth, I believe you."
"I'm telling you the truth, Blair. It never was a question of loving you--I loved you probably from the day you appeared in my life. And as far as reconciling that with you being a man--well, I don't care anymore. Life's too short and uncertain to throw away something as precious as love just because of the packaging." He looked up at Blair, eyes glittering with unshed tears, and stretched his hand toward him. "Can you trust me again? With your heart?"
Blair reached out and grasped the hand that had been offered to him. "I always have, Jim." He moved toward the other man, reaching his free hand up to stroke his face. "I always will."
Jim closed his eyes at the feel of Blair's hand on his face. //Oh, God...to be here, to have him here now. After so long...// "I've loved you for so long, Blair, and couldn't have you. Now I have you, and I don't know what to do..." Tears slipped down Jim's face, and he felt Blair's fingers brush them away. Warm lips touched his cheeks, his eyes.
"Shhh...it's all right, love." Blair drew the larger man into an embrace then, and rocked him, rubbing his shoulders gently. "I'm here now...it's okay..." He spoke very softly, soothing. The man he cradled in his arms sobbed, shaking from the intensity of his emotions.
"I'm so sorry for hurting you...God, I never meant to do that..."
"Jim, it's past us now. I'm here--I'll always be here, until you want me to go." Blair touched his lips to Jim's head, then rested his cheek there, waiting for the storm to pass.
It took a while. Although Blair had spent the last six years hurting as well, Jim had also carried with him the guilt at not returning Blair's feelings, along with the guilt of having driven him away. It was emotional baggage that was hard to get rid of. At last he stopped shaking, and pulled away from Blair, wiping at his eyes. "Sorry." His voice was shaking, and he felt very awkward.
"Don't apologize, man. It's a lot to deal with--for you. Are you sure you can handle this? I can leave, and never come back. Cascade's a big city--we'd never have to see each other." Blair pushed his hair back from his eyes, praying inwardly that Jim wouldn't take him up on the offer. //Sure, I can leave. It would probably kill me, but I can do it...//
"No. I can deal with this easier than I can deal with life without you, Chief. I came to grips a long time ago that I loved you regardless of the fact that you're a man. I'm just not sure--where to go with it."
Blair looked at him, finally understanding what Jim was trying to tell him. "You've *never* been with a man, have you?"
Jim shook his head. "Never." He swallowed, and dropped his gaze to his lap. "I'm...scared. I don't know what to do, or say...you've been gone for so long, and now you're back, and I've finally had a chance to make things right..."
"It's okay, Jim. We can do this as slow as you need us to. I've waited six years for you...a little longer isn't going to hurt. As long as I can wait here, with you."
Jim's head snapped up. "Don't even consider leaving, Sandburg!" He sounded so much like the Jim that Blair had known before that Blair was unable to contain the snort of laughter that escaped.
"I really wasn't planning on going anywhere--at least not until daylight." Blair laughed again. "Unless you tell me otherwise, I'm here to stay." He sobered quickly as he felt Jim's arms come around him, pulling him close again. Warm breath tickled his ear slightly as Jim nuzzled his neck.
"I don't want you to ever leave, Chief." Jim drew back and cupped Blair's face in his hands, stared into his eyes earnestly before lowering his head. Blair held his breath as Jim touched his lips with his own, then backed away. He didn't have long to wait before those lips covered his again, this time pressing harder. He opened his mouth under Jim's, and welcomed him in.
They kissed for some time, alternating between soft, teasing kisses and rougher, passionate kisses. Tongues slid across each other, searching, seeking. Lips nipped and sucked. They tasted each other, learning the other's secrets hidden within the warm, moist caverns. When they finally pulled apart they were dizzy with desire and lack of oxygen.
"Upstairs," Jim gasped as he tried to catch his breath. "I want you, Blair...I need to have you...to love you..." He couldn't explain--to Blair or himself--the inner drive to prove to Blair with his body what he felt with his heart.
Blair seemed to sense Jim's need, and nodded, following Jim off the couch. They climbed the stairs, hand in hand, silently.
Blair stripped his shorts and T-shirt off, and pulled Jim's off him. He wrapped his arms around the bigger man, and pulled his head down for a devouring kiss, allowing his hands to roam. He smiled against Jim's mouth when he felt Jim's hands beginning to explore his own back and buttocks.
Jim drew his head back, and gazed down at Blair. He couldn't quite believe that Blair was here, in his arms... "You're going to have to help me with this," he whispered. "I don't know what to do."
"Just do what comes naturally--it's not all that different. I'll help you over the rough spots." Blair spoke quietly back--the situation seemed to require some reverence.
"Can we lay down?"
"Sure." Blair climbed onto the bed, and held his arms out for Jim. They embraced, kissing, until Blair felt some of the tension leave Jim's body.
A different sort of tension replaced it then, as flesh met flesh. They kissed, caressed and stroked, until both were gasping with need. Blair pushed his erection against Jim's, and began rubbing them together. Jim groaned with the sensations that ripped through him, and he tightened his hold on Blair, kissing him roughly. He groaned again as Blair's hand wrapped around him, and he pushed against it and came.
"Sorry...it's been a while," he managed to gasp against Blair's mouth.
"It's okay--I expected it. We have all night...the rest of our lives. I'm not in a hurry."
"I want to do something for you..." Jim nipped gently at Blair's neck, and licked his throat. Blair arched against his mouth.
"Just stroke me like I did you..." Blair moaned at Jim's touch.
"Ah, yeah...like that..." He moaned louder as Jim licked his way down his throat, and moved to his nipples. "Yeah, lover...there..." Blair held Jim's head to his breast, groaning as Jim licked and sucked the hard little buds there. He pushed harder against the hand stroking him, hips beginning to jerk. Jim bit lightly at one nipple, and Blair gasped loudly and exploded into Jim's hand.
They cuddled together after that, lightly stroking each other, before falling asleep entwined. Jim woke in the early morning light--just before dawn--and woke Blair with caresses and kisses. They made love this time, with Blair guiding Jim through the movements that were at once familiar and yet so different. They made love face to face, so they could look at each other, kiss each other. Jim held Blair tightly as he shuddered through his orgasm, and Blair stroked Jim through his. They held each other and cried afterward, unable to contain the emotions they were feeling.
Deep sleep claimed them both then--the kind of sleep they'd been denied often over the past years. The kind of sleep the truly happy and contented sleep. And neither dreamed of what they might be missing.
*****************************************
Morning was bright and clear. //What else would it be, after the storm yesterday?// Jim thought with some amusement. He pulled his shorts and T-shirt on, marveling at the fact that Blair's scent was already mixing with his own again--just like it used to, just like it should. He could hear Blair moving around downstairs, smelled the coffee and eggs. //God, it feels almost like no time at all has passed.// He descended the stairs to greet his lover, and the day.
Blair was in the kitchen, looking as at home as if he'd never left. He looked up at Jim and smiled, a greeting of love.
"Morning, lover."
"Morning, Chief." Jim leaned in for a kiss, wanting to taste Blair, to confirm he hadn't dreamed everything. Blair returned the kiss enthusiastically for a long minute, then pulled back.
"Okay, Hotshot. You need to eat. You're way too thin--" He broke off as Jim grinned at him. "What?"
"My lover, the mother-hen."
"I'm Jewish."
"Yeah? So?"
"Didn't you know that I come by this honestly? I'm supposed to be nurturing, and all that."
Jim sat down at the table as Blair brought in a plate of eggs and pancakes. "I thought that was the stereotypcial Jewish mother. Not a neo-hippie anthropologist."
Blair shrugged and piled food on Jim's plate. "Well, whatever. Go with it, man. Maybe its a Guide thing." He began spooning eggs on his own plate.
Jim smiled. "Whatever it is, I'm glad for it. I'm glad for you." He took a bite. "Good. Thanks."
"Like I said--you're too thin. We'll go get groceries later. Need to put some meat back on you, man." Blair reached over and poked Jim in the ribs. "I like my Sentinels a little less bony."
"I'm *not* bony, Chief."
"Much longer and you would have been."
They quickly finished breakfast, and did up the dishes. Jim stood looking around the loft, frowning. Blair came from behind him and put his arms around his waist, hugging him. "What's wrong?"
"Gotta clean this place up, Chief. We're gonna have to make room for your stuff."
Blair pulled back from him, and moved around to look at Jim's face. "Are you serious?"
"You didn't think last night was a one-night stand, did you?"
Blair shook his head. "I just didn't think you'd want me in here all the time..."
"Forever, Chief. I love you. I lost you once, I'm not letting that happen again." Jim's eyes reflected the years they'd missed, the pain of separation. "I can't get back those years for us...but I can make sure they're not repeated."
"Jim..." Blair whispered. "I love you." They hugged for a long time, then Blair pulled away abruptly. "I have a song I want you to hear."
Jim watched him bound into the junk room. Guy was...what? 34 now? Still had more energy than most 18 year olds... Blair returned with a CD in his hand. Jim took one look and groaned. "Country, Chief? You've *got* to be kidding."
"No, I'm not. I don't listen to this all the time, but man, I was living in the belt. You don't live down south and not hear this stuff. Eventually, you start to like some of it--it's invasive that way." Blair fussed with the CD player, and Jim heard the first twangs of music begin. Blair held his hand out. "Dance with me."
"Dance?"
"Just hold me, and move to the music. I just want you to hold me, that's all." They moved together, and moved with the song:
"I been thinkin' 'bout our love situation
All this attraction in the present tense
I've reached the only logical conclusion
Love ain't supposed to make sense
This ain't no thinkin' thing, right brain, left brain
It goes a little deeper than that
It's a chemical, physical, emotional devotion
Passion that we can't hold back
There's nothin' that we need to analyze
There ain't no rhyme or reason why
'Cause this ain't, this ain't no thinkin' thing
Forget mathematical equations
Self help psychology
Gray matter don't matter much darlin'
When it's gettin' down to you and me
This ain't no thinkin' thing, right brain, left brain
It goes a little deeper than that
It's a chemical, physical, emotional devotion
Passion that we can't hold back
There's nothin' that we need to analyze
There ain't no rhyme or reason why
There's nothin' that we need to analyze
There ain't no rhyme or reason why
'Cause this ain't, this ain't no thinkin' thing
This ain't, not this ain't no thinkin' thing"
Jim released Blair when the song was over. "Its weird, but that song works."
"Yeah, I've always thought the same thing." Blair turned the CD player off. "We definitely have a 'chemical, physical, emotional devotion'," he teased. They had more than that, he reflected. The passion was there, too.
Jim gestured him back to his arms. "C'mere. I want to hold you again."
"Why?"
"Do I really need a reason?"
"No," Blair sighed as Jim's arms came around him. "Just wondered."
"I have six years to make up for." Jim rested his cheek on the top of Blair's head. "I love you, Chief. I'm just sorry it took so long."
"I love you too, Jim. And as long as we've found each other, it doesn't really matter, does it?"
"No, I guess not."
Jim lifted his head, and tipped Blair's back slightly. Blair could see the desire in Jim's eyes, and knew it was reflected in his own. Jim's mouth descended on Blair's, and they came home to each other once again.
End.
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