Change in Direction
By Mickey M
© September 1997

I rolled over, restless. I couldn't sleep. It was past midnight, which officially made it one year. The one year that Blair promised to when we had the original discussion.

I don't know what to do, or what to say. Hell, I don't even know what to think, now. It's been a good year; I've enjoyed having him working--*really* working, as in getting paid for it--with me. It was strange that Simon managed so easily to convince the powers that be that Major Crimes could only benefit from a 'cultural forensics technician'. I still laugh sometimes, thinking about that.

I'm not laughing now. I'm scared shitless, actually. What's going to happen? I know I told him I would change jobs, scenery, whatever it took--and I meant it. But god help me, it's a scary prospect. Change is scary, to me. I spent so many years changing so much of myself that I'm uncomfortable doing much of it now. I'll do whatever it takes though--for him. I'd do anything for him.

That's scary in itself. Simon shakes his head in amazement when I say things like that, like he can't quite bridge the gap between the Jim he knew before Sandburg and the Jim he knows now. It's amazing to me and I'm living it.

So, I'm back to not being able to sleep. I should be asleep. Blair wore me out earlier. Where he got the strength and energy is beyond me, but the man fucked me with the stamina of ten men. I'm still tender, kind of achy. Saddle-sore. Shit, c'mon, Jim. Close your eyes and sleep. It's not hard to do. God knows you're gonna need it for morning.

Man, that was the wrong thought. I took tomorrow--or is it today?--off from work so we could talk about this. There are a lot of things we have to consider. I know he has some offers to show me. I just don't know how many, or where. I'm never going to get to sleep at this rate. Ohhh...god, I love it when he snuggles into me like this. He fits so perfectly into my arms, like he's made to be there. Or I was made for him to be there. Whatever.

Shit, he's restless, too. I probably disturbed him with all my tossing and shifting. He's smiling in his sleep...I wonder what he's dreaming about? Me? Us? A life where we don't have to worry about who's working where? No, I guess that's my dream. Ah well. G'night, sweetheart. I love you.

* * * *

"Jim?"

Oh, god, it's early. "Mmhmm?"

"You awake, babe?"

"I am now, Chief."

"Sorry, man."

He sounded sorry, anyway. 'Course, I couldn't see his face. "C'mere, Sandburg. If you're gonna wake me up before the sun rises, I should get something out of it, anyway."

I pulled him, unresisting, into my arms. His body was warm and pliant against mine, molding to me. His mouth was warm, with a slightly bitter taste to it, probably from our loving last night. I love kissing him. I love the feel of him against me. I love the way he makes me feel.

He sighed, a wonderful puff of warm, moist air against my now-sensitive lips. I rolled him over onto his back and followed, supporting my weight above him on my arms. His arms encircled my neck and pulled me down to him, his mouth opening under mine.

"Oh, god..." I couldn't help the groan when he moved under me, his body undulating in a gentle yet seductive rhythm.

"Want me?" he whispered, moving his mouth down to lick at my ear.

"Yes," I managed, the feel of his teeth on my neck driving me insane. "You want me?"

"Oh yeah...want you inside me..."

He wiggled under me some more, rubbing and pressing, until we were both panting, wild with desire and need. I shifted over him, opening him gently with my fingers before entering him slowly. We lost ourselves in the sweetness of each other's bodies, rocking together, slowly at first, then gaining speed and intensity as the pleasure spread.

I leaned down, still just rocking, and kissed him, muttering his name over and over like a benediction. He returned the kiss, pressing upward against me, pushing me deeper within him.

"I love you," he sighed as I deepened my motions, beginning to thrust.

"I love you," I returned, gasping for breath as he tightened around me.

"Do it, Jim," he encouraged, pushing upward again. I looked into his face, saw myself reflected in the depths of his eyes. Those eyes captured me, held my soul, and I thrust harder into him, felt the intensity building within me.

"God, Blair...oh, god..." then I couldn't speak anymore, I was beyond words. I felt myself releasing into him, my offering to him of myself, my love. The pleasure moved through me sharply, like a knife cutting me, and I groaned loudly, my body shaking as I heard his answering groan and felt the warmth of his release on my chest and stomach.

We laid together afterwards, panting, bodies still trembling with the after-shocks of our loving. Both of us knew we had to face the day and deal with the issues at hand; neither of us wanted to, or were in a hurry to. Finally I shifted--I had to go to the bathroom and it was time we got up. No more putting it off.

* * * *

"So how many offers do you have?" I couldn't believe how calmly I was approaching this...but what choice did I have?

"Three." I watched him open the binder he's kept all of the 'employment opportunities' in over the last year and my heart contracted painfully at the sight of the thick sheaf of papers. So many he's turned down... "Stop it, Jim," he ordered, looking up and catching my stare. "I turned them down because I wanted to. I don't want us separated."

"I can't help it, babe," I reached out to take his hand, needing to touch him to get through this. "You've given up so much for me--for us. What's this done to your career?"

"Nothing. Jim, we agreed on a year, and I took that year. Now it's time for us to figure out what we're going to do, where we're going to go. Are you ready for me to go over the jobs that are offered right now?"

"Yeah." I guess so, since I don't have a choice. I didn't add that, though it's hard not to. I heard his heart thundering and knew this was bothering him just as badly; how could it not? He and I share a bond, a connection, that transcends mere love. We are so much a part of one another that we ceased trying to define the individual boundaries long ago.

"Full Professor with tenure, University of Chicago, Chicago, Illinois." He looked at me with a small smile. "Michigan Avenue is cool in the winter--literally and figuratively."

I smiled at that and squeezed his hand. "Next?"

"Full Professor with tenure after three years, Ottawa University, Ottawa, Canada."

"Really? Wow." I've never been to Canada, other than Vancouver a couple of times. "I bet it gets cold up there in the winter," I smiled, trying to picture Blair in the midst of a Canadian winter.

"No doubt, man," he shivered as if feeling the cold air. "Last but not least, Full Professor with tenure after a year, Northern Arizona University, Flagstaff, Arizona."

I smiled again. "They're all cold-weather climates."

"Noticed that, did you? Yeah, I figure I must have pissed off one of those fates real bad. Arizona...but we're talking snow country. Man, there's no justice in the world."

"Nothing from Rainier, huh?"

"No, I asked again the other day. There's one position opening up next fall, but it's part time only, with no tenure."

"Tenure's a big thing?"

"Yeah, Jim. It is." He frowned as if considering something unpleasant. "I don't really want to wait the three years for it, nor do I particularly want to suffer through winter any further north than we are now, so Canada's out. Unless you wanted to be a Mountie...?"

I shook my head, laughed along with him. "Nah, I don't look that good in red."

"Wanna bet?"

I laughed again, then sobered. "I talked to Simon briefly about this a couple of months ago. He can grant me a six-month leave of absence, then I have to either return to the department or resign."

"You're willing to quit the force?"

"I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stay with you."

"Jim...babe, have you thought this through? You're talking about giving up your career for me here."

"You did for me," I returned.

"No, I put things on hold for a while."

"Same difference, Chief."

"No it's not. Listen to me. You've already got, what, almost nine years in here? That's time toward retirement, man. That's valuable time you'll lose."

"Yeah, and I'm only 38 now," I growled at him. "I have plenty of time to get another position somewhere and still retire. Most people don't retire until they're past sixty anyway." Now I kind of understood how he must have felt last year, when I was pushing him toward the Leningrad thing. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought he was trying to keep me here. "I've thought it through, Sandburg. I'm prepared to do this."

"You're sure."

"I'm sure, baby. Nothing is as important to me as you are."

He shook his head slowly. "God, this is so unfair. Neither one of us should have to give up anything in order to be together. Do you know that I've actually been praying, honest to god, for something to come up at Rainier? Someone," he cast his eyes upward, a hint of anger in them, "someone has so not been listening to me!"

"Blair...it's okay. Really." I stood up and moved behind him, gathered him up against me. His body was shaking from emotion--most of it probably anger, some of it fear. I knew it was fear because I felt the same way. "We knew going into this relationship that we'd have to make sacrifices. Personal, professional, what's the difference? As long as we're employed, together and happy, does it really matter?"

I felt a vibration against my chest when he shook his head. "I guess not. It seems like it should, though."

"Sure it does," I agreed. "Because we're both responsible people," his eyes widened at that; coming from me, toward him, I suppose he does find it kind of incredulous. After all, I spent the first six months of our 'professional' relationship more or less hinting at how irresponsible I sometimes thought he was. I continued anyway, "We take our jobs seriously because they define who and what we are. I'm a Sentinel. A protector. Well, I can protect in Flagstaff, or Chicago...hell, even in Leningrad, just as well as I can here. But you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing--and that's teaching. So I change directions for a while. Not a big deal." I shrugged even thought he couldn't see me, then leaned down to kiss his head. "I love you, Chief. Wherever you go, I'm there with you."

He turned and faced me, his eyes shining. Not with tears, but with love. "You're incredible, you know that?" he asked, moving into my arms.

"Yeah, I think you included something like that in your litany of praise this morning." I raised an eyebrow at him and he blushed. Blushed! The man is 30 years old, holds a doctoral degree in Anthropology and has a body that makes me beg...and he blushed. Life is too weird sometimes.

"I'm serious," he said, tilting his head to look at me.

"I am too," I offered, moving my head to kiss him. It felt so good to hold him and kiss him, to know that we're making the right decision. Scared or not, it felt right. I hugged him a little closer thinking, 'I can do this. I need to do this.' "So," I asked, my cheek resting on silky-soft curls, "where are we going?"

"Do you have a preference?"

"Chicago over Flagstaff?"

"Yeah."

"Well," I pulled back slightly and looked at him, considering. "If we go to Flagstaff, Phoenix is only a few hours away--and it gets warm there, Chief. We could get away on weekends."

"Hey, yeah!" He kissed my chin before snuggling back into my arms, his head resting on my chest, right over my heart. "I'll call them in a few minutes then." He pulled back once more. "You're absolutely sure."

"I am." I brought my hand up to stroke his back, trying to calm him. I could feel the nervous energy pulsing through him. "I'll take a six month leave of absence--with pay, 'cause that's what Simon promised me. We'll sublet the loft, just in case something else works out, and if we end up staying in Flagstaff, well, we'll have a nice nest egg after we sell it."

"We?" he asked, his eyes showing confusion.

"We," I told him firmly. "We're in this together, Sandburg, all the way."

His hands began stroking my back. "What'll you do?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"I'm not going to do anything for a few weeks. This will be a nice vacation. While you're working, I'll sit around and drink coffee, watch some TV."

"Pig," he muttered against my chest. I felt him smile though, so I knew he was teasing, just like me.

"Seriously. I'll take a week or two to just check the area out, then I'll see what the job prospects are. Hell, if nothing else I can be a park ranger. They have a lot of parks in that area."

"Which tribe will you be protecting then? Jim, man, I want you to be happy, too."

"I'll be fine as long as I'm with you, and I'll find something. Don't worry about me. Something will come up. I know it will."

He sighed quietly, hands still stroking me. I tightened my arms around him and held him close, listening to our hearts beating in sync. This decision was right for us. We were stagnating here, going nowhere. A change in direction is sometimes necessary to get back on the right path, and that's what we're doing here. Moving ahead, not letting obstacles get in our way. I explained this quietly to him, listening to his heart and his breathing, trying to reassure him. He was quiet for long, long minutes, then he raised his head and looked at me.

"I love you, Jim."

I smiled at him, glad he's accepted what I told him. It felt kind of strange for me to be the one guiding us, but on this I think he was too close to be able to see. "I love you, Blair."

Flagstaff. Who'd have thought? Well, one thing is for sure: life with Blair Sandburg will never be dull, no matter where we're living.

~finis~

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