Inochi

By Linda

Chapter 17

Sometime during the night I awoke with a sharp cry, flailing arms and legs to free myself of blankets and a heavy arm about me. It was so dark, the dark just before dawn, and the air clawed at me with frigid fingers. But I cared little; vivid images from the nightmare I'd been trapped within still splashed brightly across my vision in colors of fear and terror. My heart thundered within my chest, I breathed as harshly as if I'd run for days, and all I could think of was escape.

A hand closed in my robe, and panicked, I kicked out, my heel landing against something very warm and solid. I heard a loud grunt, and then the fingers released me. Scrambling away, fine grit scraped against my palms and knees, until I fetched up against a solid, cold boulder. I folded into myself, pulling my knees against my chest and wrapping my arms around them, making myself as small as possible; I'd often done that as a child, either seeking to make myself invisible, or to protect my belly from kicks and punches.

I heard a whuffing sound just to my left, and the scent of horseflesh reached my nose just as I heard the thumping of sharp heavy hooves on the dirt. Blindly I reached out and my fingers touched the horse's leg, ran up the smooth, muscled length. It whickered and lowered its head to lip through my hair, its breath warm and moist. Raiha's horse. I drew a long, shuddering breath, and came back to myself.

Behind me, I heard Raiha mutter a curse, and shift around. "What in hells was that?"

I ducked my head and curled back into my protective ball. I shook, but whether it was from the dream or from the cold, I wasn't sure, and it really didn't matter much. I felt too unsettled to answer him, not trusting my voice; I knew it would break embarrassingly if I did.

Raiha let out an aggrieved sigh, very loud in the quiet. I was an adult; not a child to quake from bad dreams, and the fact that I did shamed me. My face felt very hot. I clutched my arms even more tightly and tried to will the shakes away.

"Never mind. Get back here before you freeze." He sounded very annoyed, and I couldn't blame him much.

But the nightmare still clung to me, visions of Soujuro's bloody hands separated from his body, moving over me, touching me as he had against my will in Kuroda's chamber of pain, and bitter bile rose up in my throat. I rubbed fretfully at my nose; I swore I could still smell blood from the slaughterhouse of the courtyard, even now, days later. I curled up tighter, leaning against the boulder, ignoring Raiha. My side hurt, whether from the cold or the curled position, but I grit my teeth together, unwilling to give in to the pain.

"'Che. Fine then, freeze your narrow little ass off." I heard him move in the nest of blankets, settling back in, muttering vile things under his breath. I couldn't hear everything he said, but heard enough that my ears burned.

It grew very quiet again. I blinked into the darkness, and cold settled over my shoulders and ran down my back, slicing easily through the thin robe I wore, raising goose bumps. I began to feel very foolish; it had only been a dream, and gods knew, I'd had many bad dreams before. This one had been no worse than many of them. Jumbled images of Soujuro, his touch, of Kyo's death, of Eishi, residual feelings of rage and fear and loathing, still tumbled through my mind, vivid and seemingly real. I wasn't certain why, but I couldn't seem to shake them off as I had before.

The horse shifted over me, and I put out a hand to touch his leg again. He was so warm, so alive, and so real. Even this high in the mountains it was spring, and while I knew I'd be uncomfortable, I wouldn't die from the cold. I spared a thought for the warmth of the blankets I'd left, the wonderful heat of Raiha's body against mine, but pride kept me from returning. I doubted Raiha would welcome me back anyway; I'd kicked him hard in the chest or belly trying to get away, and he'd probably be glad to see me freeze.

That thought gave me some perverse sense of satisfaction, though I couldn't explain to myself why it did. I meant nothing to him; I was merely baggage he took back to Kin'iro's compound, nothing more than a package to deliver to Jussai. Indignation grew warm in my belly; I was not some piece of property to be passed from one hand to another. As soon as I could, I would run, and return home, and take Mai away....

And do what? The thought lay unfinished. Cold logic cooled the heat of anger. I turned the thought over in my head, looking at it from all angles. How would I provide for her? I had no marketable skills. I was strong; that was my only saving grace. In addition, I'd have to watch for slavers roaming the countryside; from what I already knew, they'd be quick to want to capture me, to capitalize on what Soujuro had called my exotic looks, and then where would that leave Mai? Captured with me, sold, or worse, simply killed for the sake of convenience. It sent a spike of horror through me, worse than the plunge of Eishi's blade. I could survive in the forest, but what kind of life was that for a little girl?

I had promised to return and take her with me; we'd sworn on it. But what I'd sworn to in the heat of passion looked far different under consideration. Was it better to steal her away and live little better than animals in the forest and yet be free? It was, for me, but I had little to keep me there in the family home. Mai, sweet natured and cheerful, was better loved than I ever had been. But she was a girl child in a family already burdened with too many, and Rei could easily sell her for money. He'd threatened to do so. The thought occurred suddenly to me that it had been merely a threat to keep me from fighting Hamanari too much, but I couldn't be sure. Soujuro had said that slaves could be purchased for silver, or even copper; would it be worth it to Rei to sell her for so little?

The thoughts that spun in my mind made my head ache. I hugged myself harder. Perhaps now wasn't the time to think of it, when I felt so cold and miserable. I deliberately cleared my mind; I'd think of it later when I was warmer. A shiver took me, and my teeth began to chatter. I might have pulled the blanket from the horse, but couldn't bring myself to do it; it was a dumb animal and deserved to stay warm, whereas I'd brought my troubles onto myself by not accepting Raiha's offer of warmth.

"Blessed Inari, you try my patience." Raiha's voice sounded very cross. I heard him shift again, and then something soft hit me in the back---a wadded up blanket. I unfolded enough to pick it up as it slithered down into the dirt, and tugged it around myself. It was still warm with the heat of his body, and felt wonderful. Pulling up a fold to make a hood, I discovered that it smelled of him as well, a scent of musk and sweet grasses in the sun. I inhaled deeply, and my body stirred.

Not now, not again. Irritated with my immediate reaction to his scent, I deliberately thought of all the nasty, vile things I could conjure in my imagination, and sure enough, my body subsided. I'd spent the majority of yesterday flushed with embarrassment; pressed so closely to Raiha, I knew he'd been aware of the surges of my body. The only time I'd had peace was when he'd walked, leading the horse. Little wonder he'd looked at me as he did when he'd helped me down from the horse.

I rubbed my eyes wearily. I didn't like the way my body responded, but couldn't seem to help it. I'd had the same feelings with Kin'iro and Ayano, but then, they'd been deliberately trying to arouse, and so I could feel a little less responsible for it. Raiha, on the other hand, had done nothing to that purpose that I knew of; my reaction was simply my own, and I could blame no one but myself for it.

Shifting again to a more comfortable position, I listened for Raiha, but if he was still awake, he was quiet. His ki slid against my own, like the soft brush of a pet cat against my skin. I shivered, but not from the cold. Like all his kind, Raiha was inhumanly beautiful, but not in the same delicate, almost effeminate way as Kin'iro. Raiha's grace and beauty were more masculine, like that of Msaori, but I knew that Raiha was far older than Msaori; he simply carried himself with an assurance that came with age and self-confidence.

Thinking of Msaori made me think of Ayano, and I truly wished her happy in her new home. I hoped that Taisoh-sama was good to her; Msaori had seemed content enough with his Meijin. Thoughts of Genichi crossed my mind, and I wondered if he was safe. Xiu was certainly fierce enough as a protector; I could only assume that he was.

"Raiha?" I asked softly, knowing that if he were still awake, he'd hear me.

He didn't answer for a long moment, and I assumed he'd gone back to sleep, when I heard him stir and ask, "What?"

"I was just wondering...do you think Genichi is safe?"

I could almost hear him thinking. "I don't know who you mean. Oh, wait. The neko-chan?"

"Yes. He went with Xiu." Again I saw him in my mind's eye, tearful, thinking himself betrayed by me, and something clenched hard within my chest. Although I hadn't intended it, it seemed I had not lied to him after all; I would soon see him at Kin'iro's keep.

"If he's with Xiu, he's safe enough," Raiha replied. "You don't cross Xiu and live."

I smiled to myself, a little of my worries easing. Genichi's safety had been all that had mattered to me.

"Is he your friend?"

I nodded, and then remembered that it was dark enough that Raiha probably couldn't see me. "Yes, he's my friend. He was like me---he was marked to be pleasure slave. He'd been sold to someone who would have...hurt him." I could taste bile on the back of my tongue, and a shadow of the rage I'd felt when I'd seen him lying helpless before Soujuro ghosted through me. "It wasn't right."

"The world is filled with things that aren't right," Raiha replied almost gently. "It is simply the way it is, and you'll go mad if you rail against every thing that isn't right."

"But," I said slowly, feeling my way through the thought, "if you just leave things as they are, without trying to make them right, doesn't that make you as bad as the bad things around you?" I looked up at the expanse of stars wheeling above us, and felt very small in comparison.

Raiha sighed deeply. "It's too early---too late---too ~something~ to be having a philosophical discussion. Go to sleep, Inochi. Tomorrow is a long day."

I heard him rustle around and settle into a more comfortable position with a little grunt. Although I could barely see him, I knew his back was turned to me, and our discussion, such as it was, had come to an end.

"All right," I said softly, but my eyes remained on the stars for a long time.

I must have eventually drifted back to sleep, because before I knew it, I heard Raiha calling my name and he nudged my leg with his foot. I pulled back the fold of the blanket and peered up at him, blinking owlishly.

"Up. Get up." He looked rested and refreshed, and I felt neither. I rubbed my eyes, and it felt as if I had sand beneath the lids. It wasn't quite light; predawn greyness softened the contours of the rough land, and made everything look much kinder than it had yesterday in the bright sunlight.

I felt stiff from sleeping in an odd position, and my side ached, a dull throbbing on the edge of my consciousness. Above me, the horse shifted, hooves heavy on the rocks and dirt, and it whickered as Raiha scratched its forehead affectionately beneath the long forelock. I could hear the wind rising, and snatches of birdsong from somewhere close.

It took a long moment to work myself out of the knotted position I'd slept in; I moved slowly and gingerly, biting my lower lip to keep in the sounds of pain that wanted to escape. I wouldn't complain; it was my own fault I'd not accepted his bed. Everything seemed to hurt, but the muscles in my thighs and back and bottom seemed especially sore, and I wondered at that, then realized I'd ridden most of yesterday, and the discomfort was likely because I was unaccustomed to it.

"Need help?"

I took stock of myself, and decided no, I was fine. I shook my head and slowly picked my way over the rocks, unsure whether to favor side or ankle or back, and ended up hobbling like a very old man. I heard Raiha snort, but whether in amusement or exasperation, or some mixture of them both I wasn't sure, and it didn't matter.

I climbed away from our makeshift camp and found a private place to relieve myself, then made my way to a wide, broad shelf and stood quietly a moment, looking out over the surrounding countryside. Down far below us, I saw the scrub giving way to shrubs and then trees, glowing bright green as the fingers of the rising sun touched them, and could hear the whisper of the wind and the songs of birds. The flow of the life within the forest swirled below me like a river, and it comforted me with its familiarity; I had always felt more at home in the forest than ever I had with my family. I couldn't say I liked the barrenness, the lack of life around me, though it was pleasant in a way---restful, almost, compared to the busyness below.

A quiet skitter of claws on rock caught my attention, and my eyes flicked to the shadow between a boulder and smaller rock, alerted by the small flash of ki. Red eyes glinted out at me from the shelter, and I caught the flash of pointed teeth. Youkai, or demon. It was small; it probably didn't even reach my knee, a creature with thick, tough-looking grey-brown skin made for blending into the background. Man-shaped, with long arms and three fingers on each hand, three long toes on each foot, all armed with sharp claws. Unlike the forest demons I knew, this one had a thin, muscular tail that shifted restlessly against the dirt.

Wary of it, and not taking my eyes from it, I groped around until my fingers closed around a rock the size of its head. I didn't think it would attack, as I was too big a target for it; likely, its kind lived off the small rodents that hid in the scrub bushes. Still, I couldn't be sure; this one was bolder than any I'd seen, standing before me without cover, and staring at me almost...consideringly. That alone made unease prickle along my spine, spider down the backs of arms and thighs; the little demons I knew were of limited intelligence, but this one seemed...different. I picked up another rock in my free hand, and shifted position, ready to throw them if I needed to do so.

Ki, dark and powerful, brushed across my own in the same moment the demon fled, melting away into the shadows, and I turned. Not Raiha; his ki I knew well by this time. At the same time the wind shifted, and I caught a scent that I remembered far too well from nightmares. Musky, wild, like fur and pines.

Ookami.

He appeared seemingly out of nowhere, soundlessly, as if the rocks had given sudden birth to him. Had it not been for the sudden brush of his ki, and the shift of the wind, I might never have known he was there. I stared into bright yellow eyes half-hidden by wild, ragged black-grey hair blowing in the breeze. A heartbeat, two, and then panic washed over me like an ice storm.

It was Eishi, returned to finish what he'd started.

I couldn't run; the area was too rough to gain any speed, and I knew I'd never escape him in the condition I was in. I glanced around, and then my mouth firmed even as my heart and breathing raced.

Never again. He'd never touch me while I still breathed.

The first rock caught him on the shoulder with a satisfying thud; he looked surprised that I'd actually attacked. The second whizzed by his tall, tufted ear; I'd have broken his nose if he hadn't jerked aside with ookami speed and reflexes. He caught the third, but the fourth and fifth impacted on chest and thigh with the dull thump of rock meeting flesh, savagely satisfying. He yelped loudly, and just barely dodged the sixth. I reached for another rock, fear making my movements quick, making all my aches and pains fade away with the fast pumping of my heart.

He would never touch me again. I would rather die than feel his hands on me, and if I had to die, I wanted to take him with me so he couldn't hurt anyone else ever again; I knew I was not the only one he had hurt like that. I dared a glance to my left, where the mountain fell away into nothingness, wondering if I could carry him over the edge if he caught me.

"Oi! What in hells are you doing?" He caught another rock, but dropped it and shook his hand in pain; that one I'd thrown with all my strength. He swore viciously and violently.

I had enough ammunition close at hand to hold him off indefinitely, and I was a good shot, my eye keen and my hand practiced from holding off attacks from both brothers and demons. I was vaguely surprised he didn't launch himself at me in return, as he was both quicker and stronger than myself, but then gave it no more thought as I picked up another rock and drew back to throw it.

Long fingers closed around my wrist, jerking me off balance, and catching me by surprise; given over to panic, I'd not sensed anyone else close at hand. With a cry of rage and fear and frustration, I staggered and turned to fight. But it wasn't one of Eishi's friends; Raiha frowned down at me. I tried to pull away from him, but it was like resisting the pull of the earth upon my feet; he held me securely.

"Let me go," I hissed. "It's ~him~."

Raiha's green-gold eyes flicked to the ookami, and in that moment, I seized the rock from the hand he held captive, and threw it, a wild, left-handed arc that went wide, bouncing and skittering off a boulder. Raiha made an exasperated noise, and pulled me easily off balance until he could wind his free hand into the back of my robe and into my hair.

"Be still, will you?" he snapped.

The ookami let loose a string of profanities that blistered the air around us as I fought to free myself from Raiha's grip. Even though I knew him to be far stronger than myself, I struggled harder, and exasperated, Raiha shook me until my teeth rattled. "I said, be still."

Sullenly I subsided, winded from my exertions, all my aches and pains roaring back to the forefront of my attention, and Raiha's hand loosened in my hair. "That's not Eishi. Ookami, yes, but not Eishi. ~Look~ at him and see that I'm telling you the truth."

I drew a deep breath, and Raiha's scent filled my nose, calming me, as did the brush of his ki against mine. I swallowed dryly and made myself look at the ookami who stood before me, rubbing at the shoulder I'd hit with a rock. Black-grey hair, big tufted ears, long curving plumed tail, yellow eyes. Ookami, yes. But his face was different than the one I'd remembered looming over me, twisted ugly with violence and lust. He frowned at me, but it wasn't threatening.

He was younger than Eishi, less rough looking, with finer features. ~Not~ Eishi. I could see the differences now that panic didn't boil wildly through my veins.

"I suppose we're all lucky you decided to throw rocks instead of some sort of fire from the skies," Raiha said, and finally released my wrist when he saw I understood the difference between this ookami and Eishi. I pulled my wrist back to rub; I'd probably have bruises from his steely grip.

I supposed, now that I saw my mistake, that he was right, though in truth, I'd never thought to call the power to me. I wasn't certain that I could; the other times, it had seized ~me~. I felt lightheaded at the thought that if the power had taken me, I'd have hurt someone innocent.

"And you," Raiha said to the ookami, who stool scowling at the both of us, "I can't believe you stood there and let him pelt you with rocks."

"Oi!" the ookami protested. "What, I'm supposed to fall off this damn mountain trying to dodge his aim, or slice him open now that he's healed? That's a little counterproductive, don't you think?"

Raiha laughed. "Makes you look damn foolish, though. Tokiya, fierce ookami warrior, beaten by a kid armed with nothing more than rocks."

Dull red color chased across the ookami's dusky cheeks, and his scent grew sharp and acidic. I bristled at being so summarily dismissed; I'd grown very tired of having everyone treat me as inconsequential, though a part of me knew I would probably be safer the more harmless they thought me.

"I'm not a kid," I said, at the same time the ookami swore.

Raiha looked down at me. "Hn. Whatever. Come, and we'll get some food and be on our way."

With a blinding rush, the ookami bounded over the rocks with a speed and grace that matched Raiha's, and I knew in that moment just how lucky I'd been. I doubted I could have hit him more than once had he not been restraining himself. He paused to frown at me again as I began struggling back to the camp, and then dismissed me with a flick of his long tail before he disappeared. Raiha put his hand on my arm to help me, but I shook him off, and with an annoyed click of his tongue and a twitch of his ears, he left me alone to make my own way back.

By the time I returned, I found Tokiya scrounging in Raiha's saddlebags, evidently looking for food. He tossed a wrapped package my way, and I caught it easily as I found a place to sit. Unwrapping the cloth, I found it to be a mix of dried fruit and meat. My belly growled as the scent rose to my nose; I was starving.

Tokiya settled into a sprawl and bit off a chunk of dried meat, teeth flashing whitely. His bright yellow eyes studied me, both thoughtful and predatory, and the sheer intensity of his gaze made me uncomfortable. He took his time looking at me, from the top of my head down to my bare, dusty toes, lingering on eyes and ears, those things that marked me as neither human nor kitsune. It was not like the voracious way Eishi had looked at me, but merely curious, and I tried not to squirm beneath his regard.

"You certainly look different," he said finally. "Awake and moving, I mean. As much human blood as you have in you, I didn't figure you'd make it. I'd given you up for dead."

"I'm not," I said, unnecessarily. "I said I wouldn't die yet."

"And so you didn't," he said, and grinned. It changed his serious face, made him look very young, not much older than myself, though I knew he probably was far older than he looked. "What's your name, eh?"

"Inochi," I replied. "I thought you were someone else, earlier. I'm...sorry I hit you with rocks."

Tokiya dismissed it with a negligent wave of his hand. "Yeah, Raiha told me what happened. No hard feelings. A man has to do what he thinks is right...has to defend himself the best way he can. Besides...you've got a damn fine aim." He grinned again, this time ruefully, and rubbed at his shoulder again.

Raiha handed me a cup of water, and mindful of its coldness, I sipped it slowly. I watched a moment as he moved about, breaking camp as he chewed on a piece of dried meat. The early morning sun glinted in his long hair, picking up colors of red and gold and brown. Muscles moved smoothly beneath his pale skin, and I envied him his strength and easy grace. Evidently he felt me watching him, because his green-gold gaze flicked to me, and I looked away suddenly, my face warming.

Unfortunately, my eyes slid to Tokiya, who grinned. "Sleep well last night?" he said, his yellow gaze sliding over from me to Raiha with a look that made my face burn hotter.

"No," Raiha replied shortly, hefting the saddle over the horse's back. His full tail swished, and if he'd been Kin'iro, I'd have known it was annoyance. I wondered if it meant the same thing.

"Too bad for you, then," Tokiya replied with a laugh.

I wondered idly if my face could get much redder, and busied myself with rolling up the blankets in the same manner I'd found them yesterday, ignoring Tokiya's too-bright look and his not so subtle inferences.

"Shut up. Where the hells were you, anyway?" Raiha grunted as he tightened the cinch on the saddle.

Laughing again, and apparently unaffected by Raiha's bad humor, Tokiya wandered over to the spring and drank, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before speaking. "Ran into some of Yoshida's boys. They wanted to play rough, so I obliged." He grinned brightly, long canines flashing, eyes feral. "I ate their livers."

He didn't look as if he were joking. Would he have actually done something like that? Looking at him, I had to wonder. The very thought made my stomach roll, and I had to remind myself that these people were unlike any I'd ever known before, and they were likely to do or say anything.

"We'll see more of them," Tokiya continued, almost without a pause. "They know we're on the way home, and they're out in force, looking to steal our loot. We'll have to be a little more careful from this point on."

"They can try," Raiha said with a frown, tightening the straps on the bridle, and then patting the horse's neck. "I don't think they'll get away with much, though."

"Nothing, as far as I'm concerned," Tokiya replied. "Don't know how many are actually out there, but I'll try and draw them away from you since you're slower from riding doubled." He leapt to his feet with an ease that surprised me in spite of his bulk, and disappeared almost before my very eyes. Raiha didn't seem surprised; he kept packing up, taking the bedroll from me, strapping on the heavy saddlebags.

Another moment, and we were ready to go. The site looked almost as if we'd never been there, though I could see traces of our footprints, and those heavier ones of the horse, but I supposed there was nothing to be done about that.

Raiha pulled me to my feet and hoisted me easily into the saddle before I could protest. He then mounted up behind me. The horse sidestepped and whickered, evidently not liking both our weights, but Raiha curbed it sharply, and it settled, shaking its head, bridle jingling.

I wasn't certain I would like riding in front of him any better than riding behind him, and wriggled a little trying to find a reasonably comfortable place in spite of my loudly-complaining muscles and the dull ache in my side. I sat practically in his lap, his powerful thighs snugged tightly behind mine, his brawny arms encircling me to hold the reins. My hands clenched in double handfuls of the horse's mane, and I tried not to lean back against him; it was far too intimate. He spent a moment sliding his swords and dagger into his sash and adjusting them to some angle he preferred, then clucked softly to the horse and we were off.

The horse picked its way almost delicately down the rocky path; Raiha gave it little direction, the reins laying slack in his hands. He had big hands, broad, with long fingers and surprisingly, after seeing Kin'iro, Eishi, and now Tokiya, nails as short and blunt as my own; capable hands, strong hands, the skin nicked here and there with silvery scars from years of sword fighting, the palms calloused from wielding blades. The bite of the wind was still sharp, but the growing warmth of the sun helped, as did the heat of Raiha's body. The wind came from behind us, and so he shielded me from the most of it, and so it was only my bare legs and feet that grew cold.

I ventured a look to my left, and abruptly wished I had not; the side of the mountain fell away with dizzying speed, almost a sheer drop down into nothingness. It made me light-headed. The path seemed far too narrow for an already overburdened horse. Heights had never bothered me before; I had been very good at climbing trees, but this was far different than that---here, I had nothing to hang on to, no branches to break my fall.

Raiha didn't speak to me, and accustomed to silence, to having others ignore me, it didn't bother me. We rode down the path, the only sound the breathing of the horse, its occasional snort, and the strike of its hooves against the rock. I concentrated on staying in the saddle and not leaning against Raiha; in a short time I found my muscles screaming in protest, trembling in my back and thighs.

Raiha's arm pulled me tightly against him, and his breath stirred my hair, ghosted over my ugly ear. "Relax," he said softly, his breath warm. "You're going to be so sore you can't move tomorrow if you don't."

A shiver snaked down my spine, and in spite of myself, I quivered and closed my eyes to better feel the odd sensation. A mix of pleasure and fear of the unknown, and I savored it for a handful of heartbeats.

"I'm afraid of falling," I replied, my voice equally soft, though I wasn't sure it was the entire truth.

"I have you," Raiha said, his voice husky and surprisingly gentle. The tone was so intimate; it flowed down over me like thick, sweet honey, and I felt a bloom of warmth low in my belly. "Just relax. I won't let you fall."

Slowly, I leaned back against his chest, willing my muscles to relax, one by one, unclenching my hands in the horse's coarse mane; my fingers ached from holding on so tightly. Raiha was so very warm, so solid behind me.

"Don't look down, little brother," he said, and I could feel the rumble of his deep voice in his chest. "Keep your eyes closed, and we'll be through this part in no time."

Raiha gathered the reins in one hand, and the other came to rest lightly on my belly, holding me snugly to his chest. The heat of his hand even through the rough material of my robe was like a brand. I startled, and my eyes opened, wide.

Raiha made a soft shushing sound, and I closed my eyes again. I cleared my throat. Even though I'd had a drink of water just before we left, it seemed suddenly very dry. "Do very many use this path?"

"No," Raiha said after a moment. "It's too narrow for most. But it's faster, and the likelihood of ambush by Yoshida's men is smaller. Tokiya wouldn't take it---he went down an alternate route hoping to draw them out, and will rejoin us later. Don't worry. It widens after a bit. This is the worst part."

I could do nothing but trust in his judgment and in the sure-footedness of the horse. On my right, the mountain rose up steeply; often my arm and thigh brushed against the wall of rocks and dirt and scrub grass, which was all that could grow on a mostly vertical surface. Although my fear of falling was uppermost in my mind, I kept getting little flashes of something else, something I knew I should be alarmed about, but couldn't seem to concentrate on them, to bring them to the forefront of my mind for examination. Whatever it was I sensed flickered on the very edges of my awareness though, enough to add to the unease I already had.

I concentrated on the sound of the wind, the steady breathing of Raiha so closely behind me, and the sensation of my own breath rushing in and out of my lungs. Slowly I began to relax, to allow myself to melt against Raiha's chest. The more I concentrated on the internal, the less awareness I had of the danger of a misplaced hoof, of the unsteadiness of the trail beneath us, and the less power fear had over me.

Breathe in, breathe out, slow and steady. As my body relaxed, the gate to my mind opened, and the unrestrained rush of life, the ki of living things all about me, spilled into my awareness. It was like a song, like a waterfall, like a still, deep lake. I couldn't really sort through all the impressions; there were far too many. For a moment I thought that I myself might be swept away by the flood, but found that if I concentrated on one thing, it kept me anchored, and the one thing I grabbed onto as it swirled by was Raiha.

His ki was firm and sure, like a rock in a stream. Deep blue-purple, calm and powerful, threaded liberally with veins of black, like a pretty stone I'd found one day as a young boy. If Kin'iro was indeed as old as he said, then Raiha was yet older than that; his ki felt smooth, with most of the roughness filed away by time and experience.

As if compelled, I dared to reach out with my spirit hands, to touch that which was untouchable, and as I did, it was like sliding through layers of sensation and energy. First was the fur-soft, warm ki, and I moved easily through that, giving a mental shiver of pleasure as our ki blended for the barest moment; it was like being wrapped within Raiha's hair or perhaps the silky plume of his tail. Warm, so very warm and good.

The next layer was not like the first. Cold instead of heat, like running my hands over wet ice in the wintertime pond; wet and slick and so frigid it hurt, so bright and shiny it made my eyes ache. With a mental push, I shoved through that barrier of coldness, and instead of breaking through the crack in the shielding ice and plunging into frigid waters, I tumbled into surprising warmth and a swirl of thoughts and emotions that were not my own rushed over me, through me.

I felt Raiha's physical body behind me jerk suddenly as if he'd be struck. His hand came away from my belly, and the connection between us broke with a suddenness that made me come back into my own self with a hoarse gasp and a feeling not unlike when Eishi had slammed me into the hard ground.

"What in ~hells~ was that?" Raiha's voice sounded rough, with the oddest echo, as if he were both close, and far away, all at once.

Sunshine flooded over me, into my eyes, and I could only blink as real vision and ki vision superimposed upon one another, mixing and shifting, leaving nothing substantial, and my head felt as if I had stood in one place and then had spun round and round, as children often did. I swallowed against the sudden rise in nausea, against the pain in my head that seemed as if it would split my skull apart. Squeezing my eyes closed, I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyelids, as if I could make the ki vision go away and my eyes see properly again.

I felt the absence of Raiha's heat against my back before I realized he'd moved, dismounted from the horse. A small, logical part of my mind wondered at how he could have done such a thing on the narrow path we'd been upon, but the rushing, swirling feeling in my head washed the thought away. I could feel ~something~ shoving at the gate in my mind, pushing at it hard from within, and abruptly, I knew that it was the thing within me that could call the magic, the cold fire. It wanted out again.

No.

Get out, get out, get back. I wouldn't be controlled by it, pushed aside by it again, but oh, it was strong and fierce and so…so…~hungry~, so angry at its captivity, so desirous to escape that I found it hard to close the gate. I struggled and fought and pushed it back, feeling its rage glimmering along my skin like cold, tracing muscle and sinew like the tip of an icy blade. It hurt, it horrified me, made me feel as if I fought back from drowning, but I would not let it free, let it take me over. With one last heave that seemed to take every ounce of power I had, I slammed closed the gate.

Strength poured out of me like water from a broken pitcher, and I slumped forward, so tired I couldn't move. I felt something solid and warm against my cheek and opened my eyes. I lay against the horse's neck and everything seemed wholly out of order; below me was blue, blue sky, traced by the wisps of clouds, and above me, rocks and brown dirt and the mountain falling away in a dizzying rush.

I felt myself sliding, and fear made my heart lurch painfully in my chest. I let out a cry of fear as my fingers grabbed onto the first things I could grasp; the coarse, thick mane of Raiha's horse, and the slick smoothness of reins. It took a heartbeat to realize that I hung upside down, almost completely out of the saddle, and another to know that if I did not right myself, I would fall from the saddle and go over the edge of the mountain.

I was not ready to die now.

I flexed muscles, willing strength into them, and tried to haul myself back into the saddle with my hand in the mane, and the leg still slung across the saddle. But the saddle was worn and smooth, and the horse shifted and jittered, and my grip slipped even more. I couldn't seem to pull myself up, my weight too far off the side.

Raiha's hand closed around the ankle of the leg still across the horse's back, and with a jerk, he pulled me back into the saddle. I had no loincloth to protect me, and so I yelped as the bare skin of my inner thighs and genitals twisted and dragged across the leather; it hurt, it burned terribly. The healing wound in my side blazed in protest. But the pain proved I still lived, was still in one piece, and I almost welcomed it.

Raiha released me as soon as he saw I wouldn't fall, and stepped away from me. I blinked, focusing, and my vision was normal again. Somehow, perhaps while I'd been in that odd place within my mind, the path had widened, as he'd promised; it was twice as broad as it had been. He stood before me, in front of the horse, and his gold-green eyes blazed. His anger boiled in the air around me, and rage made his scent sharp in my nose and against the back of my tongue.

"What were you doing?" His face was deadly serious, his tall ears flat against his long hair, and within me, fear stirred. "Just what the fuck were you doing inside my head?"

"Inside?" I echoed, confused. I couldn't seem to get my thoughts into order; they still spun around like leaves in the wind. "Inside your head?"

Raiha took a step forward, his hands clenched so tightly the knuckles were white, and his full, brown tail whipped from side to side. He was angry, yes, and I tried to gather my scattered thoughts before he lost his temper completely. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of that fierceness; I'd seen what he and his kind could do.

"I've never…I don't know how it happened," I said. I felt as if I'd been turned inside out, and resisted the impulse to pat myself and make certain I really hadn't. Fear of what I'd done, of Raiha's rage, crawled down my spine, spidering out over the rest of my body, and I kept myself from shaking only by force of will.

"I've worked with Jussai for years, and he's never tried to do anything like that. You will stay ~out~ of my head, do you understand me?" Raiha's wide, full mouth compressed into an unwavering, firm line, and his long eyes narrowed. His entire body almost vibrated with the strength of his emotions.

"I promise you…I've never had that happen before," I said, and it felt as if cold steel bands constricted around my chest, making breathing difficult. "Please, Raiha, believe me…."

"Swear to me," he interrupted, "swear by Inari that you will never do that again." He took a step forward, his chin lowered, and his eyes were like golden fire beneath the ragged fringe of chestnut hair. "Because if you ever try that again, I promise you'll die by my hand."

My mouth almost snapped shut. I could see the truth burning within him; he would kill me, wholly without mercy. How could I promise not to do something when I had no idea just what I'd done, or how I'd done it? I wasn't sure how I could make such an oath, but he stood there expectantly, and I wasn't certain if I protested further that he wouldn't just kill me now, regardless of his promise to deliver me to Jussai.

I couldn't trust my voice any longer, so I nodded. My chest felt cold and tight, and it was hard to draw a deep breath, so my head spun a little. Raiha stepped forward, and as quick as a striking snake, seized my wrist and pulled my arm forward, though not enough to unseat me from the saddle. I had a moment of panic, thinking perhaps he'd changed his mind when his dagger appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, the blade flashing blue-white in the sun.

He laid the edge across my palm, slicing so quickly I didn't even feel the sharp, cold pain until a heartbeat later, and blood welled redly along the edges of the cut, the coppery scent rising to make my nose twitch.

"Swear by blood and in Inari's name," Raiha said firmly, looking up at me.

"I…I swear by my blood," I whispered. "I swear by Inari's blessed name that I will never do that again."

Raiha held up the dagger, and the faintest stain of red slicked the edge. My blood. His pink tongue flashed out, and he delicately licked the blood from the shining steel. Golden eyes flashed up at me. "I take your blood into me as I take your oath. I will kill you if you break it. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I whispered again. I hoped Inari understood as well. I clenched my fist, my blood slick against my palm. "And I swear to you I didn't mean to do it and that it has never happened before."

Raiha slid his dagger into its sheath, never taking his eyes from me. He said nothing, but his ears came slowly back up from their flattened position, and I felt his anger bleed away. Tension still lay in his shoulders, in powerful biceps and flexing hands, but the killing rage had passed. ~And I will be glad to be rid of you.~ He didn't say the words, but I could see them in his eyes, in the lines of his body.

Strangely, that hurt more than the cut of the dagger.

Chapter Eighteen

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